Sifu Stoddart

Up High!

2012-02-05T09:38:00.000-08:00

Just like the rest of the world, my life has ups and it has downs. I read recently that it doesn't matter if you fall 7 times as long as you get up 8 times. That has really stuck with me. It helps me to look at the past and see this for real in my life. I have always worked hard to get up, when something comes along to knock me down. I have always managed to rise above and come out a better person because of it.

Right now, I feel like I am on top of the world and looking down at all the opportunities that await me for a great year. I am hoping this feeling will help me in the future. I know that as I go along with the intense training I have set out for myself, I will have days when I feel like I have fallen. I will have days when I feel like I am going backwards. I plan to draw on the memories of today to help pull me through those times and get back on my feet and going ahead once more.

I have started logging all the hours I spend on my training. This includes teaching, practicing, journaling, studying: any time that I am spending on my martial arts training will be logged. This week, I have logged 15 hours. That's a lot. Somehow this helps me to feel like I am going in the right direction. Most important of all, is that for the first time since getting my black belt, I feel like a real martial artist. Change the attitude and perspective, and I change the actions. Change the actions, and I change the person.

A Time To Heal

2012-01-29T16:01:00.000-08:00

I know, I just journalled less than 24 hours ago, but I just got home from church and am sitting here waiting for my pizza dough to rise. Besides, I had wanted to share this earlier, but didn't, and I think it is kind of a special story. To me anyways.

I clean a house for a couple in Edmonton. The wife, we'll call Jane, used to be very active, and loved being in the outdoors. She especially loved running. Now, due to MS, those things are no longer a part of her life. She uses a walker at times, or walking sticks, and when not using those things, she often bumps into the walls, or trips over things on the floor. She gets very frustrated at times. This and the fact that her son died about 3 years ago, has caused her to be a bit. . . . hard. Her son was in his very early 20's, and he died of cancer.

The husband, we'll call Fred, used to be my manager at work. A very wonderful man, and in a lot of ways still grieving the loss of his son as well.

I have been told that in past years, Jane used to go all out at Christmas. At least 16 trees in the house, of all different sizes, plus garland, snow men, lights, and decorations of all kinds all over the house. Since the death of her son, Jane refused to put up a single decoration. Not so much as one tree. This added to the heartache of her husband.

This year, as the two of them told me stories of all the wonderful decorations that Jane used to put up I threw out the question, "why not this year?" "What the hell do I want to decorate for Christmas for?" "no, I am not doing anything for decorations!" I told her that I wanted to give her a present, and I couldn't do that if I didn't have a tree to put her present under. "Then don't bring me a present", she says. A similar conversation went on the next week I visited and cleaned her house. Same attitude. "I don't want a bloody tree in my house. I have no reason to put up a tree. No, no, I don't want any decorations up."

The following week, somehow we got into the same conversation. Jane also told me that at Christmas family gatherings, everyone who came to visit had to bring a home made ornament to hang on the tree. It was a family tradition. I told Jane that it would be real nice to see a bit of her old self and how she used to do up the house at Christmas. I told her I would love to see that. Again she went into her rant, "why the hell do I want to put up bloody Christmas decorations?" Beside us on the wall was a large photo of two of her very young grandchildren. I pointed to it and said, "what about doing it for them?" Not much of a response this time.

I went about my work cleaning the back bedrooms of the house. I could hear some kind of low key confrontations coming from the family room. Something about not having enough room, or no where to put the furniture and it was too much work, or too heavy. Then I hear, "hay Brenda, can you come help me for a second?" Fred needed my help moving a chair out of the family room to make room for a tree. Jane wanted it yet was being tough and fighting it all the way. She couldn't let anyone know she was giving in. "You will never get that chair into the other room. It's too heavy." Then we got stuck trying to get around a corner wall. "I told you it wouldn't work. That chair is just too big to move". The whole time, Fred is looking at me with this huge grin on his face. He was going to get his tree, and he knew that a part of Jane wanted it too, even though she wouldn't admit it. We turned the chair on it's side and voila, managed to get it into the other room. This left a corner of the family room for the tree. I asked if they needed me to vacuum out the corner before they brought out the tree. Fred said no, that they wouldn't be bringing out the tree right away.

About a half hour later I hear something coming from the family room that sounds like, "well, you just going to leave that big hole in the room with nothing in it?" Then Fred's response, "If you want I will be happy to go right now and get the tree. You don't have to ask me twice". I come into the room a short while later and there is Fred, hauling up the tree. He looks at me with his back to Jane and gives a huge smile. He set up a special gadget on the wall so that Jane could control the lights on or off without any trouble.

I still had a bit of cleaning to do, but Jane and Fred had to leave to run some errands. They turned the lights off on the tree, and before they left, Jane gave me a warning. "Next week when you come, you had better bring a home made ornament for our tree. It's your bloody fault that thing is up." I told her that I did not mind at all taking the blame for such at thing

At work the following day, Fred thanked me immensely for helping get a tree up in his home. I told him that maybe it was just time, and maybe enough healing had gone on to let it happen. He was so thrilled. Not just in having a tree, but in seeing this small bit of healing in his grieving wife. He told me that when they came home that night, he had left the lights off on the tree, and went downstairs to putter a bit. When he came back upstairs about a half hour later, Jane was sitting quietly in front of the lit up tree.

The following week, as I returned with my home made ornament, I found not only the tree fully decorated, but a few other Christmas items displayed around the house as well. This was truly a great experience for me to be a part of.

Where Have I Been?

2012-01-28T22:15:00.001-08:00

The year of the dragon hasn't started out all that great for me as I have been sick for the last 9 days. I can't even remember the last time I got sick for this long. I have had a cold or two for a couple to three days before but this silly one is hanging on for real. I have decided that even if I am not better by Monday, I will go for it and try to work out anyways. Maybe a good sweat will take it out of me.

This is going to be a good year for me, once I do get going. I am excited for this year, and the journey I have begun. This push for me to become truly engaged in my kung fu has come at a great time for me. It has come at a time when I need some definite direction in my life. My kids are grown and on their own, I have downsized my home considerably, and unfortunately, even all my pets are now gone. I feel a bit lost, but through kung fu, I know I will once again be found.

I had great anxieties over the celebration of the Chinese New Year tonight, and I almost got out of going. Almost. Until Sifu Brinker cornered me this morning. Most years, I come away from the banquet feeling not very good about myself, and memories long, long passed come floating back. Personal memories I need not speak of. I see so much success all around me, but I myself don't feel very successful.

This time it was different. This time I came away excited about my training. I came away pumped and ready to give it all I got. Why is it so different than most years? Because this year I am working at my kung fu. Other years that I didn't feel good about myself and didn't feel very successful, was simply because I wasn't. I wasn't successful because I wasn't training very much. How can I have success when I am not doing anything? I can't move forward if I am not trying to.

As I helped out this afternoon setting up, and again tonight, cleaning up, I felt remorse. Remorse for all the times I let the opportunity to lend a hand go by. Remorse for all the times I left everyone else to do the work. Remorse for all the many kung fu projects I chose not to help out with. I walked away tonight with a conviction to be there when I am needed to be there. A conviction to be a better person, a better black belt, a better member of the kung fu family.

I am tired and my thoughts are jumbled, but I know I feel good at what I am doing. I feel good to be a part of Silent River Kung Fu. Tonight, I chatted with a couple of the elderly ladies we shovel driveways for. We are very special people, in their eyes. I realized, that we are very special people. . . in my eyes too.

2012-01-19T18:06:00.000-08:00

Sometimes real good intentions for me can go bad. I beat myself up about it and feel sincere remorse for days. I think about it over and over again, and how I should have done things differently. Then there comes a time when I have to let it go.

I looked deep into myself this week and realized I had to do just that. I had to believe in myself and know that I had very good intentions in mind and if people misinterpreted it, there wasn't a whole lot I could do about it. I had to move on and let it pass. I am a good person and I don't like to see people hurt or sad. I would never intentionally do anyone harm. I have a good heart.

2012-01-05T10:18:00.000-08:00

I have a good friend who shares more with me than just our name. She has been through some of the same trials in life as I have, and we are pretty close. So, when she asked me to speak for a few minutes at church, I agreed. She was teaching a lesson on sacrifice, and wanted to know how to motivate people to make sacrifices for things that are important. She knows that I am doing a list of demanding kung fu requirements that will take a lot of sacrifice on my part, and wanted to know how I do it. How do I decide to make these sacrifices, and how do I actually go through with it? This is what she asked me to speak to a group of ladies at church about.

The biggest reason and the first one that comes to mind as to why I want to do it, is simply because I know that in the end, it will be worth it, not in the way of an end result, but in a way of the journey that I will take to get there. That is why I am willing to make the sacrifices. I love to go on different journeys, and I know that through this one, I will come out a better person in the end.

As I explained to the ladies at church, I am not one to settle for normalcy. I love going outside the box, and I love new adventures. I am an ordinary person, but I try to do extra ordinary things. That's what makes me who I am. I can't imagine being one of those people who comes home from work and sits in front of a TV, relaxing, and maybe eating junk foods, until it is time to go to bed. Then the next day get up and do it all over again. YUK!! To me that is so. . . ordinary and boring. For one thing, I am very anti cable TV. I haven't had it in my home for over 20 years, and never care to. Through the context of the commercials, sit coms and what they call reality TV, it silently gives our society a false idea of what is not only acceptable, but of what is "normal". To me, it represents mediocrity. For me, it is far more fun and exhilarating to go out and x country ski, snowshoe, bike, practice my rope dart, visit my kids and play with grandchildren, or rock climb. That is what makes my life a joy, instead of a routine.

So I take on a new adventure, as a journey towards kung fu mastery, and personal growth. This journey and the sacrifices that go with it, will make me a better mother, grandmother, boss, neighbor, friend. It will make me a better contributor to my home, and community. There are all kinds of benefits to taking this journey; spiritual, emotional, physical. I could easily go through every one of my requirements and make a list of what I would gain from fulfilling them, and each requirement would list different benefits than the others. That is a lot of benefits. Why would anyone want to pass it up? Anyone can work towards mastery in any aspect of their life, including spiritual or religious mastery and they will reap great rewards from it.

I believe we all have a personal calling in life; a type of legend to follow. Paulo Coelho, who wrote the amazing book, The Alchemist, says that "whenever we do something that fills us with enthusiasm, we are following our legend". We are following our dreams. I think it is sad that not everyone is courageous enough to follow their dreams. They miss out on so much that is there to be offered. Through mediocrity, over the years, some of our dreams get buried and become invisible. By getting away from normalcy, those dreams can become visible once more.

Another reason I have chosen to go on this journey is due to the fact that I love to push myself. Sifu Laurie taught me years ago what it feels and looks like to rise to ones potential. She pushed me beyond my limits, or beyond what I thought was my limits. I found out then, what I was able to do and how far I could go. As hard as it was to be pushed sometimes, it was so worth it when I reached the top. I will push myself these next 12 months, and I will commit myself to excellence. I intend to put my whole heart into this journey.

Will I get defeated? Perhaps at times. So why should I bother? Why should I suffer defeats and setbacks, and perhaps heartache? Because I know that once I overcome them, and I will, I will be full of a greater sense of excitement, and renewed confidence. The trick is to fall 6 times, and get up 7 times. That is all part of learning. It's part of the progression. It makes life worth living. It makes me worthy to live.

As I was speaking to the ladies at church, I noticed a few of the women looked back at me with the deer in the headlights look. Others, were processing my words yet perhaps not quite understanding them. After the meeting, several women came up to me with words of amazement, encouragement and and a willingness to support me in any way possible.

The next evening, Monday night, my son and I were invited out to some friends property along with 4 other families. In the church I go to, Monday night is called Family Home Evening. Every Monday night is dedicated to family. Whatever activity families engage in on Monday nights, swimming, doing service, playing board games, or going to a family movie, etc, they do it together as a family. At this particular activity last Monday evening, there was hot chocolate, snacks, a huge bonfire, and ski dooing. During the evening, I was constantly approached by men and women to answer questions about my kung fu. The men had heard about it at their dinner table the night before. People were amazed at what I was about to undertake, and asked me over and over again, how I do it. They wanted to know how I pushed myself to work out on days that I didn't feel like it? How did I have the strength to go through with all those things? How do I not get discouraged and overwhelmed? How do I mange my time? How is it that kung fu is so much more than fighting and self defense?

When I first read all the requirements set out by Master Brinker, I never slept for 2 days. It was very overwhelming, and stressful, just to think of it all. Then, instead of looking at the requirements as a whole, I broke them up. I created a binder with sections for each requirement, and I examined each requirement, and analyzed and documented what I would need to do in order to complete each one. This made it not near as overwhelming and I began to see that it was doable. I will have to make sacrifices, work hard, and never give up, but I can do it.

How do I manage my time? I make the most of my time when I have it. Mondays and Tues are my 2 days that I don't have scheduled things planned after work. I push myself hard on these days, and accomplish all I can because I know that on Wednesday and Thursday, I clean houses after my full time job, and my day is very long, and workout time is very limited. I have never been one to waste time, so I use what time I have to keep on top of things.

How do I push myself on days that I don't feel like doing my workouts? I force myself to. It is all a matter of will. I know that by not doing anything, I get behind, and I hate getting behind. If I get behind, discouragement sets in, and it makes it that much harder to catch up. So I know that I have to do all I can, when I can. As a general rule, I try to go above and beyond my daily or weekly requirements, just so that I can be sure to stay on top of it all. Having Sifu Shipalesky by my side through this journey is going to be a huge help. We have been together since white belt, graded for our black belt together and I know that we can be a huge support to each other. Knowing that others in the kung fu school are doing the same thing will also be a great strength of support for me.

How is it that kung fu is more than fighting and self defense? Kung fu is a way of life, not a way of passing the time. As I talk to people about kung fu, I am sometimes hesitant about how much I say, as a lot of people just can't understand it. What I do in the martial arts, what I believe and how I think seems quite different from the world outside the kwoon, in so many ways. To some I think it is so foreign that it comes across as being weird. They are inside this kind of box, and can't comprehend outside of it. I don't mean that to sound arrogant, or like I think I am better than others, because I don't. I speak from previous experiences. The martial arts is like living in a different world. A world where values, goals, strengths, awareness, staying healthy, discipline, passions and clarity of thoughts and actions are real.

When I talk to people about my kung fu, they almost always give the impression that it is out of their reach. I get the same reaction when I talk about my rock climbing, backpacking, or mountain biking ski hills. "Oh I could never do that". That is such a damper of thought, not to mention motivation. It doesn't even give them the opportunity to simply consider trying. Perhaps for some, it is a matter of comfort level. Perhaps a matter of things even deeper than that. I don't know. I just know that for me, life is way too short to do normal things. It is way too short to sit back and let opportunities go by. Way too short to not make the most of it and enjoy life and all it gives. Way too short to sit back and not want to make a difference in the world. Way too short to not want to make a difference in oneself.

2012-01-01T08:29:00.001-08:00

It has never been easy for me to find things to write about in this journal. Now all of a sudden, I have so many things to write about that I could write something almost every day. Why is that so different than before? The difference is in the amount of time I currently spend doing kung fu. I practice every day, which means my kung fu is continually on my mind and I have things happen all the time. Therefore, I have things to journal about. I am not one to know a lot about people in the public eye, or political issues, or worldly events. I notice quite a few journals are about those types of things. What I do know a lot about. . . is me. So my journals are mostly about me and my journeys in life.

This past week, my journey took me deep into the appreciation I have for my kids. I have four of them: three girls, and my youngest is a boy. My oldest daughter will be 27 on Thursday, my other two are 24 and 22, and my son is 20. They are, and always have been at the very center of my life.

This week, I wrote a letter to each of my children, expressing my appreciation and love for them and for the wonderful adults they have grown to be. This is one of my kung fu requirements, but I did it for more than just that.

As I wrote out each letter, I clearly defined the character of each of my children, as I listed the great qualities that each of them have. After writing the letters and pondering the words I wrote, I realized that each of my children are different from each other in some ways, naturally, and different in some ways, from me as well. I also realized that as individual as they are, they still all have a little part of me, in them.

Of all my kids, my oldest daughter is the most like me. She has a very sincere passion for the outdoors, and for animals of all kinds. She has compassion, empathy, and recognizes the needs of others. She works hard, is a terrific mom, crafty, and loves to go all out with preparations for family gatherings. She loves to organize things. Unlike her mom, this daughter is very much into political issues and quite outspoken about them as well. She is very much up to speed with worldly issues, and has her own ideas of how to solve the world's problems. My daughter is very smart and was working as a pipe designer before the birth of her son a few months ago.

My second oldest daughter is very quiet and shy when not in comfortable surroundings. She used to be painfully shy, but has come a long ways in the past few years, and is more comfortable now, than she used to be when outside her own element. It is her inner strength and desire to make a change in herself that helped her accomplish this change. This daughter also works hard, loves to socialize, and be silly. She is happy and laughs a lot. She tries to make sure that others around her are happy as well. This daughter loves to be in the mountains, but unlike her mom, she is very comfortable with city life as well. Like her older sister, she is also very smart, successful, and currently works in a law firm as a legal assistant.

My youngest daughter, dare I say, has the rebellious side of her mom. She, like me, does not like to be told what to do. She has her own ideas of what needs to be done, and when she gets an idea in her head, she goes full steam ahead and gets it, and she does not like people to stand in her way either. This daughter has great personal strength and has had to overcome some very difficult times in her young life. She has made mistakes but she recognizes them and tries to learn from them. She is also quick to recognize those around her who have helped and supported her through the tough times. She is a very deep thinker, and like me, sometimes feels this is a curse. This daughter is also a great mom, and her son "rocks her world", as she puts it. This daughter has become a success at running a local business in the city. She has goals and visions of a bright future for herself and her little family.

My youngest, my son - as I always tell him, he is my favorite son. ;) He has inherited the side of me that appreciates being active. He stays physically fit, and we both share a passion for the martial arts. He too is a black belt, and I know that as he honors that, it will serve him well, as it has me. To share this with my son is a great blessing. When we practice together, he gets such a bright spark in his eye for the technique or a part of a form, and I find it exuberating, and often contagious. My son has great strength and yet a very gentle heart. Compassion is no stranger to him, and he is not afraid to express it, even in public. Unlike me, my son is not much for social gatherings other than the ones with family. He prefers being at home. My son is currently going to school for Media Arts, and IT.

One trait that every one of my kids possess, is a great love and supportive nature for one another, and for their mom. The bonds they share with each other are unmeasurable. They are very protective of each other and of me. Their love and appreciation for one another and for family is a great blessing to me as a parent. They are always there for each other; supporting, forgiving, loving, understanding, sharing, laughing, sometimes even crying. They have been an incredible support to me over the years, as I have taken on some difficult journeys. They continue to be a huge support to me as I take on my many passions and adventures. I love them all very much. I appreciate them and am proud of them.

I DID IT! I DID IT! I DID IT!

2011-12-29T10:08:00.000-08:00

Yes I did it! I finally figured out something. I started learning this new move with my rope dart, that can be kind of cool. I wrap the dart around the back of my neck and use my rotation of my neck to direct the dart to reverse direction. What isn't so cool is that every time I do the move, my glasses go flying and the rope just about rips my ear off. I tried keeping my hand close to my neck while holding the rope, and for a couple times, it seems to kind of work. It just wasn't consistently working and still clipped my ear slightly. I thought the best thing would be to have Sifu Brinker watch me and see if he had any idea of what I could do to make the move work smooth. I never seem to connect with him, so just kept trying different things. Then yesterday!

It is impossible to slow down the rope dart enough to properly annalyse the dynamics and technique within a move. Yesterday, I slowed it down as much as I could and just kept going over that one move again and again. Finally, it clicked, and I figured it out. I was tucking my chin too much which made the dart violently flip up and clip my ear and glasses, while changing direction of movement. By lifting my chin, it moved the rope in a more fluent motion, and kept it away from my ear and glasses. I also used more of my hips and upper body for rotation, along with my neck, rather than relying on just my neck. It kind of goes along with the bones, muscles, and tendons all moving together as one, instead of trying to just use my neck muscles for the motion. It is so much more fluent, and smooth, and less dangerous too.

I had anxieties every time this move came along in the form, and I know for sure my face showed it as I would grit my teeth, and scrunch up my face in anticipation of the . . . discomfort the move was causing. Now as I practice it more and more, I can relax and enjoy the excitement of the move, therefore making it too, look kind of cool.

2011-12-27T20:08:00.000-08:00

My son and I left my family at a Christmas event and rushed over to attend the black belt class this past Friday night. The Sifu teaching the class ran us through some stuff, starting off with some stretching. I opted out of some of the activities, and was careful how I moved on other ones, as I am still favoring my right ankle that I injured while mountain biking this past summer. I managed to do a couple of bad crashes, and my ankle seems to be taking a long time to heal. It does ok as long as I try not to over flex it a lot. Being in a crouched position with my ankle flexed seems to be the worst.

The following day after the black belt class, it was my left foot that was in a lot of pain. I had hit it pretty hard with my rope dart a couple days before, but other than a pretty bruise, and being a bit tender, it didn't seem to bother me at all, until now. Apparently it was hurt a bit more than I had realized and needed time to heal as well. I'm not sure what activities irritated it, but I am guessing that it was the impact from jumping.

Things like this really bother me because I don't like to be slowed down, but it does make me so appreciative for the healthy body I do have. I am blessed to be able to do the things I do, and a minor foot or ankle injury is not the worst thing to happen. Especially a little thing such as a bit of a whack on the ankle by a rope dart. I heard Sifu Brinker's voice as I practiced today. "If you don't hit yourself once in a while, you are not trying hard enough."

ouch!

2011-12-20T18:23:00.000-08:00

I have always known that I need absolute focus when doing my rope dart form. Today I learned just how much focus I need and what happens when I lose focus, even just a little bit.

I tried to push myself today even though I knew my focus just wasn't there. I have recently learned 3 new moves and really really wanted to work on them. My cat I have had for 13 years passed away last night, and I have had a bit of a downer day. Yet still, I HAD to practice. I could tell right off the bat that my focus was not as it should be, as I didn't seem to have the control of the dart like I usually do. I have practiced so much, that the rope is becoming an extension of my arm, and I am very comfortable working with it. Not today.

Today without my focus, I almost took out one of the lights at the school. I would definitely not be in the good books with Sifu Brinker if I did that. I also hit my foot with the dart, and am in quite a bit of pain still, hours later. It is a very pretty color though. :) It proves at least one big benefit I will gain from all this practice. . . . a greater ability to focus when it really counts. At least I hope to gain that. I will have to work on techniques to fine tune my focus when I need it most. It is interesting to note that I can very easily tell when my focus is not there, and when it is, simply by the first few moves of my form. hhhmmm...

On Your Mark. . .

2011-12-12T16:57:00.001-08:00

Well, it is official. I have decided to go for it and give kung fu everything I've got for the next 12 months. . . at least, and see where it takes me. There are a lot of requirements to get done in the next year and some of them terrify me. For example, 50,000 is such a big number, and so is 1,000 when it has sparring attached to it. The other thing that concerns me is that I prefer to take it easy on Sundays and not do anything physical. If I stay with that standard, it gives me 52 less days to complete the physical parts of my requirements. I feel that the rest is needed for my body to recuperate as I go pretty hard all week. My mind and my body needs that break. The decision to rest or not to rest is still in the works.

I have decided that I want to get as much of the work done as I can before June as I like to pursue other things in the summer. I will still have daily requirements to do, and will need to continue to push hard, but I don't want to get behind and feel all panicky and such. I want to jump in now, with both feet. I am off to a good start as this past week, I have completed 2 of my requirements already. I have also done 63 repetitions of my weapons form, which includes 1 new move, (3 more new moves to go), done 12 reps of another form, 400 situps and a mere 110 pushups. The pushups are a struggle for me as I have arthritis in my shoulders. I do as many as I can on the floor in full pushup position, then on my knees, and then when the pain is quite bad, I do them on the wall. I think all this will be good for my shoulders, and I am hoping that as I progress, I can do more pushups in full pushup position.

I know that the online journal will also be a great struggle for me. It's not that I don't like to do it. I know that it is very beneficial for me, and I love to write, and journaling has always been a part of my life. It's putting it out there in public, and finding the time that becomes difficult. I have decided to work very hard at dedicating my Sundays for the journalling and doing more of the spiritual side of my requirements. I have also dedicated every Monday and Tues right after work, to do my forms and some of the other physical requirements. I will work at it every day, but these 2 days will be my more vigorous and longer workouts, as they are my only 2 days of the week that are free.

I had a bit of a panic when I first read the requirements I would have to complete in the next 12 months. I had trouble sleeping for days after. So what I did was sit down and take a good long look at my list of things to do, and started to separate then, instead of looking at them as a whole. That way they didn't seem so overwhelming and I could take them one step at a time. I have also set up a binder with a section for each requirement. In each of those sections is smaller sections divided up week by week. Each of those weeks has a number of where I need to be in order to complete the task on time. I record my numbers each week as I do things, and can see right away where I am and where I need to be.

I am excited for this new journey, yet scared at the same time. Excited for the things I will learn and the personal growth I will attain, as well as the improvement in my martial arts. Scared because it will take a lot of work, and sacrifice. So. . . off we goooooooo.

2011-11-28T10:27:00.000-08:00

I hate it when people try to tell me what to do, but sometimes I wish there was someone who could make decisions for me. I have faced the hardest trial of my life for the last 11 years. I even hate to use the word trial, for all adversities in our lives lead to personal growth. I guess a trial could be appropriate, such as it is like a court trial of our lives. What the outcome will be is dependent on how we react or act to that specific trial. I could pass and move on, or fail, be charged and lived miserably forever. I don't want option 2.

In my life I am very blessed with good health, and a body that serves me well, great healthy respectable children and grandchildren, wonderful supportive friends, good job, and passions of my heart that I can enjoy when I like. Wow! Sounds like I have it all. Not quite. At church on Sunday, we talked about being happy with what we have, and try not to wait for the "golden ticket" that we feel will bring us happiness. When asked what is OUR golden ticket, I shouted out, "a man". I got a lot of laughs from the crowd, and a hug from a friend sitting beside me, who knows my situation well. "A man". For 11 years now I have been single, and the pain of loneliness is getting hard to bare. I have a very close friend that I do all kinds of fun things with and adventures to go on with. I am extremely grateful for him. The truth though, is that we have no future of committed plans.

I am very at peace with myself; who I am and especially where I have come in the last 11 years. I have done a lot of things, learned tons of life lessons, risen to hidden potentials I didn't know I had and I have become a stronger individual. I just seem to spend too much time lately giving attention to my loneliness. I tell myself I am spending too much time thinking about my needs and not enough of the needs for others. I have decided to go somewhere to do a year of humanitarian work, in about another year or so. Running away? Perhaps. Until that time, I am looking into helping out at the Mustard Seed or a soup kitchen, or hospital, etc. I also know that I need to delve deeper into my church responsibilities, and especially my kung fu. I just don't know how. It's as if I can't see that forest for the trees. I feel kind of lost in the world. I only have 1 child at home now, and he is 20. Now, more than ever, I have the time to put into my training. Maybe that's part of the issue. For 26 years now, I have taken care of kids and grandkids, a big house, yard, and pets. I don't have to do that anymore, so feel like I kind of have no purpose. hhhhmmmmmm.

The solution all sounds so simple to me. Go to all my classes, dedicate time to teaching, work towards my next level, volunteer more at the kung fu school. It sounds great, but I just can't seem to take that step. I think it may be selfish. I have a social life on the weekends. I NEED a social life on the weekends. How else am I going to find anyone? Time with my close friend supplies me with a need I can't get anywhere else. Time with my family is also a crucial element in my life and Friday and Saturday nights seem to be the only time my kids, and myself, all have available time to get together. For 3 months in the summer, I am gone on weekends, adventure seeking, and fulfilling my passions. What do I do then? I am always afraid of committing myself to something, in hopes that something better to do, will come along. Right now, my social life is that "something better".

Even though I know that is how I feel, I don't think that it is right. It is all so confusing in my head and it makes me feel lost. What do I do? I know I need to take the plunge and dive deep into my training, and let everything else just fall into place. But I just can't seem to take that first step. The hardest part, is that I don't know why? And it is eating me up right now.

2011-08-28T17:59:00.000-07:00

Well, I just have to write about my day yesterday. As I write this, I am thinking "oh no, here I go again". I almost always seem to write about how kung fu has blessed my life, and how it helps me in other physical and psychological areas of my life. But I have found one more thing to add to the list. Wake surfing. I tried it yesterday for the first time ever. My friend Tim and I were taken out on the lake with a friend of ours and given a go at it. My friend who owns the boat says I would be at the top of any class. I got up on the first try and I rode the board for a very long time before wiping out. I did wipe out quite a few times trying to move in and out of the wake, and learn proper technique, but I did really well getting up and staying up for quite a while. My horse stances and all those workout at the gym and biking this summer helped with my leg strength. As the picture shows, I have a bit of a nervous stance, and my legs stayed in a crouch position for quite a while until I became comfortable enough to relax.

Both my friends know me well enough to know that I have a history in the martial arts and yoga. Before I even got out on the water, they assured me I would have no troubles at all because of my martial arts. I was a bit skeptical because this was something I had never done before. But wow! I actually impressed myself and my friends. My martial arts along with the yoga, proved to be a huge help in letting me enjoy another new "adventure". It was a great way to help finish off the summer!!

Why Am I So Different?

2011-08-16T10:32:00.000-07:00

About three weeks ago I was in Toronto for training for work. There were about 35 other people from across Canada there as well. At the end of each day, large groups of people would gather together to go out for dinner and drinks, and socializing, etc.. . except me. I would head on down to the fitness facility in the hotel, and work out for an hour and then hit the pool. I also took lots of time to sit by the outdoor pool and journal. I managed to get all caught up in my journals, writing over 20 full pages in the course of my 4 day trip.

I didn't feel any pressure at all to join the others in their evening activities, but I did however wonder at the thought of "why am I so different than the rest of them? Why don't I want to go too?" I don't really have any strong definitive answers, but I do know that my kung fu training has a lot to do with it. I see the world so much more different as a martial artist than I did as a non martial artist. I see things a bit more clearly as they really are and not as they may seem on the surface. This has also come about from my trails over the years. Not that going out and socializing is wrong, or bad, but it just isn't something that is a priority to me.

At a conference this past weekend in Calgary, I listened to 6 men of very strong character speak to our group. In one of the talks, the man speaking said, "sometimes we don't see things as they really are, we see them as we are". I have thought a lot about this over the past few days since, and I am very interested in the true meaning of it. I think I understand it, and unfortunately can think of many people who see things the way they want to see things, but fail to even try to see things for what they really are. They are so open minded to their own needs, desires, and ideas, that they are blinded to anything else, especially what really is. I am so grateful to kung fu for helping to open my eyes, and see much of the world as it really is. By this I mean that I can see needs of others, aside from just my own, and I can empathize with those that are less fortunate. I recognize the blessings in my life, and not a day goes by that I am not grateful for them.

About 3 weeks ago, I was in Waterton with a group of about 25 other people, male and female. On the Saturday, we went on a hike. Most of the people stopped at the first stage of the hike, and then the rest stopped at the next stage. There were 4 of us that went the full length of the hike: myself and 3 of the men. It was a tough climb, and one that took just over 9 hours. The men that I was with were quite impressed with my ability to not only do the climb, but lead it a large amount of the way. Again, I wonder at the differences in myself to others my own age. Kung fu, and especially being a black belt has given me standards to follow. Being fit and staying healthy, is just a couple of them. I like to be fit and stay healthy. It is very important to me, for many reasons. Once again, my gratefulness for my martial arts training, and all that it gives me on a daily basis are in the forefront of my mind.

To be or not to be

2011-06-27T19:49:00.000-07:00

I read a church article a couple weeks ago that got me thinking about myself and what I wanted to be . . . when I grow up. So often I make goals for myself, and make a list of my 20 wishes, or make a list of to do things. But my point is, these are all physical things. Things that I want to do. What about things that I want to be?

If I make a list of things that I want to be, it will cause me to put forth actions that will give me results toward my goals. Knowing what I want to be, will determine my priorities, and my priorities will determine my choices I make, my choices will determine my actions, and my actions will give me results. My actions will cause changes, and these changes will cause growth and achievements, and those in turn will determine my "being".

If I say I want to be a great martial artist, then I know that in order to be that, I have to have a plan to become that. I have to attend my classes, (priorities), listen to my instructor and have faith in the things he tells me I need to do in order to attain my goal of being a great martial artist, (choices), as well as train consistently and with conviction, (actions). Even though, I don't like to do demos, I will put forth an effort to do demos as my instructor has suggested I do. Why? Because he knows that doing a demo will give me results towards being a great martial artist. That is just one of the tools he has given me, along with many others. If I really and truly, in my heart, want to be a great martial artist, I will do those things required of me. These things I want to be are true passions of my heart, and I will act on them. If I really and truly want to be a good parent, I will make right choices about my children's upbringing, love them, have patience with them, hold them, spend time with them, and at all times, let them know that they are important to be.

My 20 wishes of things I want to do are not a bad thing. Not at all. The weekend before last, i fulfilled one of those wishes by climbing a Via Ferrata. When we reach outside of the box and do things that we are not usually accustomed to, we grow in so many areas, and become a better person. The difference here is that I have no control over what the outcome is, until I have had the experience. When I make a list of what I want to be, the outcome is already determined. I know where I want my actions to take me.

I have made a list of the things I want to "Be", and added it to my blog. I found it real easy to come up with 20, and I am not sure if that means I have a long ways to go, or just high expectations of myself. I like to think the latter. By writing these things down, and seeing them clearly, it is a constant reminder to me, of where I want to go, which seems to come to the forefront when I am placed in a situation where I have to make choices. I was in a situation once where I started to notice myself slipping into someone I did not want to be. That recognition caused me to think back on what I wanted to be and so I changed my actions to reflect that. I am not one to go about life and just see what happens and where I end up. What I am doing, how I act, how I spend my time, how physically fit I am, and all the other where when and hows, are my own doing, and mine alone. I determine where my life is headed, and I try to always make the right choices to see that I travel the journey that is best for me and my family. This now includes my list of who I want to be.

Monday

2011-06-06T20:22:00.000-07:00

3:15am - 4:00 Get up and bike off to work, work
4:00 - 10:30 work
10:30 - 11:30 lunch break, bike home, eat/read, sit in sun
11:30 - 3:00 work
3:15 - 4:45 clean kung fu school
4:45 - 7:00 drive home, (babysit grandson), mow lawn, cook supper, start laundry eat,
7:00 - 8:45 bath grandson, feed him snack, bedtime stories, laundry, pack for Toronto
8:45 - 10:00 check emails, chat with friend, journal, shower, express thanks, read, sleep

What kung fu has done for me this day: It has given me a greater appreciation for family, and an understanding of places we must go and things we must deal with in order to progress.

Sunday

2011-06-05T20:44:00.000-07:00

7:30am get up, shower and ready for church
9:00 - 12:00 church
12:00 - 1:00 visit with my son, eat/read, tidy house
1:00 - 3:00 drive into Edmonton to pick up my daughter and my grandson, drive home, drop daughter off at work (start babysitting)
5:00 - 7:00 bake goodies with grandson, take goodies to 2 different friends house, take grandson to the park
7:00 - 8:30 feed grandson, give him bath, go get his mom from work.
8:30 - 10:00 bake some pudding,send emails to family members, chat with a friend briefly
10:00 - 10:30 write in my personal journal, read, express thanks, sleep

What kung fu has done for me this day: Kung fu has helped me to become the good person I am today, and acknowledge who I am and be appreciative of that person.

saturday

2011-06-05T20:33:00.000-07:00

I don't usually work on the weekends, but took an opportunity to do some overtime.

3:15am - 4:00am, get up, off to work to meet with the rest of my team
4:00 - 4:50 drive to south Edmonton to work
4:50 - 1:00 work
1:00 - 2:00 drive home
2:00 - 4:00 drive daughter into city, drive to other daughters place in Leduc to drop things off, drive home
4:00 pm . . . . . .sleep (till Sunday 7:30 am

What kung fu has done for me this day: Because of kung fu, I am here writing this journal and documenting everything I do in a day. It has given me a clear view into my life and the lack of balance in it at the current time. I go with about 4 hours sleep a night and go strong all day long, barely taking time to eat properly. I know now that I need to make some changes.

friday

2011-06-05T20:19:00.000-07:00

3:15am - 4:00am bike to work
4:00 - 10:30 work
10:30 - 11:40 lunch with my team to say good bye to one of them
11:40 - 3:00 work
3:00 - 5:30, bike home, pick up car and grandson, take grandson into Edmonton to be with his dad, drive home
5:30 - 6:15 clean my house
6:15 - 7:30 kung fu class
7:30 - 11:30 drive home, clean up, go visit a friend feeling down
11:30 sleep

What kung fu has done for me this day: It has given me a place to go where I can share my passion with those who have the same passions, and know that I will not be judged.

Thursday

2011-06-02T22:02:00.000-07:00

Oh what a day! My cold has gotten worse, and I have felt quite horrible all day.

3:15-4:00am get up, bike to work
4:00-10:30 work
10:30-11:45 lunch with a dear friend
11:45-3:00pm work
3:00-5:30, bike home, pick up car, go to clean a house
5:30-6:00pm, take a power nap
6:00-7:45 meet up with a friend and bike to the top of Campsite Rd and back
7:45-8:00 pick up cold meds and bike home
8:00-8:30 feed cats and dog, called a friend in need to see how they were doing.
8:30-10:00 drive into Edmonton to pick up grandson, bring him home, turn around and go part way back to Edmonton to drop off wallet that daughter left in my car, drive home
10:00-11:00 get Damien off to bed, eat hot soup, chat briefly with a friend,journal
11:00-11:20 shower, read curriculum for 5 min, express thanks, bed aaaahhhhhhhhhh

What has kung fu done for me today: it has given me friends. It has taught me compassion so I can be attentive to the needs of others.

day 3

2011-06-01T21:19:00.000-07:00

Today was a not so early morning.

5:15-6:00 get up and bike to work
6:00-10:30 work
10:30-11:30 bike home, eat, send off emails
11:30-3:15 work
3:15-4:15 visit with daughter
4:15-5:30 drop daughter off at work, (babysitting begins) grocery shop
5:30-6:30 make supper, feed grandson, clean kitchen
6:30-8:30 Dig and plant garden (while entertaining Damien)
8:30-9:00 Put Damien in tub while I empty suitcase from weekend and clean my room
9:00-9:30 pick up daughter from work, bake goodies
9:30-9:45 work out on the heavy bag
9:45-10:45 chat with a friend, shower, express thanks, bed

What has kung fu done for me today? It has given me the ability to see through negative thoughts and turn them into positive ones. :)

day 2

2011-05-31T21:28:00.000-07:00

Today was a real long day.

3:15am - 4:00am Get up, ready for the day and bike off to work.
4:00am - 10:30 work.
10:30 - 11:30am lunch break. eat/read, start digging the garden.
11:30 - 3:00 back to work.
3:00pm - 7:00pm drive to Edmonton, clean a house, return home.
7:00pm - 7:50 eat/read
7:50 - 9:15 bike from home to very top of Campsite road, and back home.
9:15 - 9:30 walk River, (dog)
9:30 - 11:00 pm shower, check email, talk to sister briefly, journal.
11:00 - 11:30pm read, study kung fu book, express thanks, bed

What did kung fu do for me today? Through this journal, it made me accountable to myself and my students. It gave me good reason to do the things I know I needed to do. It made me a better person, and got me closer to my personal goals.

My black box

2011-05-30T19:52:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I put myself in a box with tinted windows. I close myself in and don't let anyone see inside. Within my box are my thoughts which direct my actions. With the tinted windows I don't see out very well. When I get so closed up inside my box, I need to open a window and not only have a look around outside, but find someone trustworthy who can have a bit of a look inside. Tonight, I took the plunge and rolled down that window of my box, and through the eyes of another looking in, I found a whole new world outside, than the one I had been seeing inside.

I say that I don't have time for kung fu, and that my life is just too full of other stuff. Some day, when things slow down, I'll get back into it, full swing. Well, I have no idea when that day will come, so until then, I will make the time. I will put my best foot forward to try and become engaged in my kung fu. I have decided to write down what I do in a day, every day. This way, I can see for myself in black and white, just how busy I really am, and just where I can fit kung fu into my daily routine. I never watch T.V. or spend much time on Facebook, etc, but I do seem to always be doing "something". It won't be much fun for anyone reading my journal. In fact it will be very boring. But, as selfish as this may sound, I am not doing it for the readers, I am doing it for me.

Monday, May 30, 2011

5:15am - 6:00am, get up and bike off to work
10:30 to 11:20, lunch break; bike home, eat, check emails, and answer any important ones.
11:20 - 3:20, bike back to work, work.
3:20 until 6:00, bike home, mow lawn, trim, and clean up the yard.
6:00 - 8:00pm bike to kung fu, help with beginner class
8:00 - 9:30pm, bike home, shower, grab quick bite to eat, clean kitchen, journal
9:30 - 9:45pm yoga.
9:45 - 10:00 pm, read, express gratitude, bed

What did kung fu do for me today? It helped me to trust. (trust is on my list of 20 wishes at the top of my blog.). To trust enough to open the window of the box and reach out to let someone help me see clearly what I couldn't see from inside the box.

2011-03-20T17:44:00.000-07:00

I absolutely love my Shoalin fitness class!!

2011-03-12T17:42:00.001-08:00

Every day that goes by, I am so grateful for blessings I receive from having kung fu in my life. I can't imagine the type of person I would be and the shape I would be in, or the emotional state and frame of mind I would have today without my martial arts training. It has taught me how to be the person I need to be. It helps me to think clearly and in a positive way. It helps me to stay healthy and increase my quality of life. It helps me to acknowledge and live up to my potential as a leader. It has taught me how to work hard, have an eye for detail, achieve my goals, and feel good about the work I do.

This week, those qualities I have gained from the tools I receive through my kung fu training played a huge part in my professional life. I have been in a manager position now for only four months, and I was given a review by the manager above me, on Friday. My review was very positive, and the leaders I work with and the ones above me are very impressed with the work I do, and how far I have come in my position. So much so that I got a raise attached to my review.

I have come such a long ways from where I was 13 years ago. I am not a real special person, and I do not in any way see myself as better than anyone because of the qualities I have gained. I may have been the one to put in the hours of hard work to get where I am today, but I also acknowledge the countless hours of teaching and council that others have given to me. I see in very plain site, the tools I received in order to achieve the successes in my life. This success goes far beyond my professional life. The training I received has helped me to open my eyes to things in life that are important, and things that need to be passed on to my kids to help them to rise to their own personal potential. Kung fu has given me the means to be a good mom and raise my children in a positive environment. Kung fu has shown me how to be strong and push through difficult times in my life.

A couple weeks ago, I came close to making some decisions in my life that would not have had positive results. The positive influence of friends helped me to make the proper decision and move my life forward, not backwards. The biggest influence in the decision I made came from my kung fu. As I pondered what I was about to do, I suddenly remembered who I was. I remembered what I was all about and what morals and standards I had that made up who I was. I thought of the person I wanted to continue to be. I am a woman of virtue, a martial artist, and very dear to me is the fact that I am a member of Silent River Kung fu. The realization of these things came to me like a slap across the face, and I was a bit ashamed of the wrong decision I was about to make.

I feel like I am writing all about things I have written about so many times before, but it can't be helped. There are constantly things that come up in my life to reiterate the benefits of my martial arts training in my life and the person who I have become. To me, learning how to do kung fu is not just learning how to defend myself. That has been a small part of it for me. The bigger part is more internal. It is about who I have become on the inside, and my way of thinking. This in return dictates how I act on the outside. I am still learning, and I look forward to those things ahead of me, that allow me to move in a forward motion.

2011-03-05T19:06:00.000-08:00

Today was a great day for my training. I taught the shaolin fitness class and as always, it was a great experience! The positive energy in the room with the students that attend was riveting! I could feel myself get very pumped up as soon as I walked into the school. Everyone there is ready to work hard and push themselves to the limit. It reminded me of the horse races, when the horse is in the gate, just unable to hold still in anticipation of what is to come.

I had planned to get home right after class to clean my house, and organize some things. I happened to be the only black belt there when my class ended, so decided I had to stay, and may as well use my time wisely and practice. I got quite into my practice by the time other black belts got there, so decided my housework could wait.
I was working on a form that I had known for years. In this form there are a couple of spots that I have always struggled with. I have seen others do it, and I have seen it on video. Still, I just couldn't figure out how to do it properly or retain it for my next practice. By asking in class, I don't get the chance to practice it, and so I quickly forget for the next time. (My mind is getting old and my memory with it). So, I continue to struggle with these two parts, and frustration sometimes sets in.

Today, at open training, another black belt stepped in and offered some help on these two particular parts in the form. I GOT IT!! They helped me to take the time to understand the proper execution of the techniques, and then I practiced it over and over. Hours later, I can still remember how to perform those particular techniques in the form. Now to practice and perfect it in a way that my muscle memory can help my old mind to remember.

This was HUGE for me. After years of trying to do these parts of the form, I have finally got it. All it took was about 10 minutes at open training, and the helping hand, or hands actually, of someone willing to reach out. This was a great accomplishment for me, and one that I would never had gained had I just left the training hall to go home and do housework.

Am I Engaged?

2011-03-05T18:01:00.001-08:00

I decided weeks ago that I would keep up with my blog every week. I kind of winced when I made this committment cause it seems I never have anything to say. Every week is the same. Funny thing is though, that ever since I made that promise to myself, I have so many things to journal about, that I can't wait to find the time to do it. As I was driving home from the kung fu school today, I was asking myself why that is. Why do I all of a sudden have things to write about that pertain to my training? I hardly had to think about it and the answer was staring me right in the face. I am all of a sudden more engaged in my training. At least I think that's what it means. With my son on board, I am doing more with my kung fu than I was a few weeks ago. I go and train more often than I was, and I train with more of a purpose. Before, my thinking was more "train so I don't forget stuff". Now my thinking is "train so I can get better at it". Again that is thanks to my son, and his attitude rubbing off on me.

I still teach in the beginner class twice a week, but I am more consistent than before. I have been very saddened by what happened to Sifu Shipalesky, and I feel her pain as she struggles to recover. Her being away from classes however, has made me step up more to my responsibilities as an instructor, and do my part. This benefits me far more than it does the students.

I have been teaching the fitness class now every week, and I love that. There is such an amazing group in there now with passion for what they are doing, and drive to push themselves to do better and go further with their training. They are a real fun bunch to teach and I always look forward to each week with them. With the way I have been running the classes, I am able to keep up with all of my curriculum, as I review it every week in preparation for class. I also do other research every class, and through that, I am learning about all the muscles in the body, even the little ones in our face and feet. I am learning about new ways to teach techniques, new exercises, new stretches, and different takes on good nutrition.

With my son coming to classes now, I also attend my black belt class every week that I am able. That consistency has helped me to stay in tune with my responsibilities, and keep up with the appropriate curriculum for my level. It also makes it easy to walk into class without feeling like I don't belong. I have become very comfortable with the other black belts, when before I have to admit I didn't feel that way. Doing the demo with the black belts helped me a ton with this part of my training as well. I am at a point now, where I don't feel like I am being judged in class, and I can focus on what I am doing without feeling like everyone is watching me. For me, that comes from consistent attendance, which leads to being in my comfort zone.

The demo I did at Chinese New Year was a big turning point in my training. I worked hard to perfect my form and being able to perform in front of others. It made me feel good about myself and my training. It gave me something to go forward with. It gave me something new to work towards, and that helped me mentally in a lot of ways.

I have been trying to attend the Tai Chi classes more. This is still kind of hit and miss as I look after my grandson a lot on the weekends. But if I am available, I try to go to class. If I can't I make sure to keep up with my practice on my own.

Today after my fitness class, I stayed at open training for almost the full 2 hours. It was so awesome, that I have a whole different journal entry for just that.

So there it is, right in front of me. The reasons why I have more things to write about in my journal. It's because I am actually doing things with my kung fu training now. I am not just sitting back and hoping that my training will take care of itself by attending classes once in awhile. I am going out there and doing something substantial about my training. If I didn't do that rope dart demo, I wouldn't have been able to journal about my progress with it. If I didn't get out there and help teach classes, I wouldn't gain what I do from it, and therefore have nothing to say about it. If I didn't get my butt to open training, I wouldn't have gained what I did today and been able to log it in my journal.

This has been a huge eye opener for me to see this change and realize what I needed to do. In order to have something to say about my training, I had to BE TRAINING, and to be training, means I have to get out there and do it. It isn't always easy, especially now with the weather so cold, and my life quite unsettled, and things I have going on with my daughter and grandson. It isn't easy to pick up and get out there to class when I am so fatigued from my week of work and the new pressures that come with my new position and responsibilities. It is especially hard to get to the later black belt classes on a Friday night, when I just want to relax and put my work week behind me, or hang out with my kids or a friend to enjoy the start to the weekend. But. . . I go. I get to my classes, and just do what I know is best for me. Once again, it helps me a lot to have my son behind me now, encouraging me, and inspiring me with his enthusiasm.

They say that the reason a person falls out of bed, is because they aren't in far enough. The same goes for my kung fu training. If I fall out, it is my own fault, because I wasn't in far enough. I wasn't owning up to my responsibilities as a student and as an instructor to those coming behind me. "I once was blind, but now I see."

2011-02-28T16:08:00.000-08:00

Wow! Look at me! Three weeks in a row! Not that anyone except for myself will notice, but I am happy with myself. ha ha! I had a real crappy week last week with work and personal junk. This week is starting out to be the very same. So after work today I went over to the kung fu school and worked out. I pounded on the bags, did 1 minute skipping intervals, killed my abs and back, and worked on stuff for my Saturday class. I feel much, much, better now.

2011-02-21T09:52:00.000-08:00

I haven't been very good at keeping up with my journal every week, so I promised myself I would try harder. I don't always have things to say, except "things are moving along nicely". Not much changes in my training from week to week. I just keep working at it and trying to go forward. Sometimes I have an amazing week, but I think it would be unreasonable to think I could have a "WOW!" week, every week. For now, I am happy with my kung fu. Teaching 3 days a week really, really helps me to stay on top of everything. By that I don't just mean my curriculum, but also my leadership skills within the kwoon, my connection to the other students, (black belt and colored), it helps my instructor to always know where I am in my training, and quite importantly, it gives me peace. Every time I am at the kwoon, it gives me a full display/reminder of who I am, what makes me who I am, what my goals are and what direction I want to be heading in. Having that kind of self awareness, and knowledge of myself, gives me peace and comfort within my being. I sometimes sit and wonder what I would be like and where I would be in my life if I hadn't found kung fu. I can openly and honestly say that I would not be even close to the person I am today.

The Process

2011-02-10T10:05:00.000-08:00

When word first came down about doing a black belt demo at the New Year Banquet, I instantly knew how I felt. No way, not me! I had done my share of demos and tournaments in my time. The thought of doing a demo scared the heck out of me and the thought alone started to stress me out. Nope! Not gonna do it.

Next we were told that if we wanted to be promoted we had to at least try out for the demo. hhhmmm. . . nope. Still not going to do it. I had enough stressful things going on in my life, and I didn't want to add to it. I began to think that maybe I would just quit kung fu. I am not doing the demo, so won't be promoted, so why keep going? I don't think I have very many annoying qualities, but sometimes, being stubborn is one of them. I knew I would never quit, but I told myself that no one was going to make me do the demo. I absolutely do not like it when people try to make me do something I don't want to.

What the heck am I to do? I gave in. I emailed Sifu Brinker and told him that "I suppose I could do the demo, if I really had to". I also expressed my feelings about being stressed out about it and finding the time to practice when I babysit my grandson almost every evening. Still, I said I would try.

I had been working with my rope dart for about 3 years off and on, but nothing regular. I decided I had better get practicing. So I did. I practiced the same way I always had; same speed, same moves, same intensity. I tried to perform in front of Sifu Brinker and the other black belts this way. It did not go so well. I was extremely nervous and to make things worse, Master McDonald was there too. I was shaking like a leaf on a windy fall day, which made it hard to control my dart, and I screwed up a lot. My form also took 1 1/2 minutes. Sifu Brinker asked if I could cut it down to about 30 to 45 seconds. That was the easy part, and I cut back the time without any problem.

After performing the 2nd time at practice, I was given some good advise to add some stances to my moves, be more aggressive, and add a serious look to my expressions. The first time I practiced by myself, I tried to do just that. I got hurt . . . several times. I hit myself in the back, shin, and ankles, and gave myself rope burn on my wrist. Needless to say I felt quite discouraged, but kept trying. I made a point to never leave my practice time after I messed up. I always ended on a good run through.

I talked to Sifu Brinker and got a few more pointers. I practiced more and started to get a feel for what I should do, and how the form should look. My son came to some of my practices with me and gave me some good feedback. At the next black belt practice, I still had a hard time performing 100%. I couldn't get over being so darn nervous. This whole ordeal stressed me immensely. I couldn't get to sleep at night thinking about it. I started to get cranky. I couldn't figure out why this affected me in this way, but I think it had to do with the fact that so much could go wrong with the rope dart. I had to really focus on what I was doing. I had also never done my rope dart form in front of anyone before. This was a huge concern for me.

I knew that I needed to practice harder physically, and even more so, mentally. I needed more practice staying focused on what I had to do. I knew that I needed to practice enough that my muscle memory kicked in to help me remember the order of the moves and how my body felt when I made each move. I wanted to make the rope feel like a part of me: like an extension of my arm. I made the commitment to go practice every day after work. The demo was only a week away. I did not want to disappoint myself, the rest of the black belts, and especially Sifu Brinker. I get off work at 3:00, and then I look after my grandson almost every evening at 4 or 4:30 and most weekends all day. Not all of my practices were lengthy, but they were every day. My son also came with me every day, filled with encouragement.

Three days before the demo, my son came up with this exciting idea (for him anyways), to add a bit of "umph" to the beginning and ending of my form. One of the moves was to start with a shoulder roll. As I came out and ended the roll, I threw my dart and went into the normal routine. It took several tries to figure out how to make it work, but together my son and I did it. I practiced it over and over again. The better I got, the more excited my son got.

The next day, I was real sore, but practiced again and again. Friday eve, the night before the demo, I performed for the black belts. By this time, I was really hurting. My backside felt severely bruised from all the shoulder rolls and the outside of my right quad felt like knife stabs every time I did the pushed in horse stance. I totally blew my it with the shoulder roll, which in turn flustered me and I did not perform well. The class and I had a few laughs and I felt a bit relieved, but still nervous. Sifu Brinker thought I should leave off the shoulder roll until I healed, if it was hurting too much. It was hurting but I felt I had to prove I could do it. I took all my thoughts inward and told myself, "no mind". My favorite line from 'The Last Samurai' movie. I did it without mistake. I asked if we could practice at the hall before the banquet. I was eager to get a feel for my surroundings there. We all agreed on a time.

The next day was demo day. I woke up wishing there was some way to get out of doing this demo. I had an 11:00 class to teach, so I tried to push away all my fears for the time being at least.

The practice was close to a disaster. I decided to leave off the shoulder roll as it added more worries that I didn't need, and lessened my chances of screwing up. As we all got on stage and lined up to perform, I had an instant panic. The drums and the other performers on the sides of the stage looked too closed in. I knew I didn't have enough room. I thought about telling Sifu Brinker, but I knew he didn't like interruptions once we started. I mentioned it to the other black belts, but they had to focus on what they were doing and they told me I would be OK. I knew the length of my rope well, and I was very sure there wouldn't be enough room. I got real panicked! What if I hit someone? What do I do?!

I took my turn on stage, and first time I threw my rope, WHAM! I hit one of the drums. I stopped and told Sifu Brinker that I didn't have enough room. I was freaking out inside! I stepped back and let the next person perform. Later, the drums were moved, and the performers stayed to the back of the stage. Sifu Brinker had me do it again, but I was so flustered, I messed up the order of the moves. At least I felt better knowing I had room to throw my dart. Sifu Brinker approached me and asked if I would be OK doing the demo. I nodded my head, and wanted to say, but didn't, "of course I can do it. I'm a black belt. I have to do this."

The next couple of hours I tried to keep busy, but all I could think about was the banquet demo. So . . . I started to think about it in a positive way. I visualized doing my form perfectly, over and over again. Once in awhile I would see myself mess up, but I would quickly erase my thoughts, and began from the beginning, with no mistakes. My son and I got to the banquet about 7:00, and I continued with this visualization as I sat and waited to go on stage. I also rubbed the pressure point in my left hand and made myself control my breath. I started to actually look forward to doing the demo and proving to myself that I could do it, and do it well. I just had to stay relaxed and focus.

I went downstairs in the hall a bit before it was time to go on, and threw my dart around, just to warm up my arms. While waiting on stage for my turn to perform, I made sure not to look out at the audience. I did not want to know who was there, and I did not want to somehow personalize it. I wanted, "no mind". I walked out on stage with my rope just a swingin'. I thought only about the moves, the stances, and the techniques. I didn't even acknowledge the audience, or other members on stage in my thoughts. I did it!! I did it perfectly! As I went down into my last stance to finish the form, I did it with attitude. I almost yelled out "YA!! Take that!!" I was so happy! I was ecstatic in fact. I didn't embarrass myself, Sifu Brinker or the other black belts. Everyone in the group had done a fantastic job! It was over. I took a few seconds to look out at the audience, and spotted my long time friend, Sifu L. Shipalesky. She gave me a huge smile.

I am grateful for my kung fu training, and for the people I train with. I am grateful for the wisdom of a great leader. Sifu Brinker told me from the very beginning, that I could do it. He saw the potential in me when I failed to see it myself. I am so grateful for my son and his never ending faith in me, and for all his support. He came to all my practices after work, and to every black belt class that we practiced, even though he wasn't participating. He never stopped encouraging me, and after the demo, he told everyone he saw about it. We work at the same place, so all my coworkers heard about it. My son has been away from kung fu for 3 years, and his new spark of excitement in his training is contagious. The day after the demo, my son told me I need to get out and keep practicing my dart. I asked him for at least one day of rest from it. ha ha My girls were excited for me too, and are anxious to see the video. I am excited to carry on with my rope dart and learn some new moves, and pick it up a notch. I am also thrilled with the idea of picking up a new version of the rope dart, and putting everything I can into it.

I learned a lot from doing this demo. One big thing was to not be so darn independent in my training. I started to work with my dart about 3 years ago, but not once did I show it to someone or ask for constructive criticism. If I had, I could have been a lot further ahead with my dart than I was at the start of this demo. I need to look to others for their thoughts and ideas, and help. I learned to have an open mind, not be so stubborn, and listen to others. I don't always trust what people say when they pay me a compliment or show faith in me. Some people just say things to be nice.

I also learned how to direct my focus when I really need to. It may seem to be an easy thing, but it isn't always. I learned how to put aside all other thoughts, and direct them to where they need to be. I know now, what kind of mental state I need to rely on when doing something like this.

I grew to have more trust in the people I train with. I am grateful for the support of the other black belts and the feeling of not being judged, even after all the mistakes I made. We worked independently, yet together as a team, and as a team, we showed a great demo.

From doing this demo, I reminded myself that nothing is impossible, and anything can be accomplished when I put my nose to the grindstone, have the proper positive frame of mind, and reach out to others for help, and accept it when it's given. Far too often I put up blockers in my mind and it's impossible to turn my thoughts around. It would have been so much easier, and run much smoother right from the very beginning, if I hadn't been so darn stubborn. I see now how it went, and I clearly see how it could have been. It may not have seemed like it at the time, but it was a very good experience for me. I gained a lot!

2011-01-20T15:39:00.000-08:00

Two weeks before Christmas, I heard of a lady I know, that was diagnosed with cancer. A week later, on Christmas eve, she took a turn for the worst, was hospitalized and told she had about 3 days to live. Exactly a week later, surrounded by her family, she passed away on New Years Eve.

A week before Christmas, my closest kung fu friend was hospitalized after having a stroke. I found out that it would take her at least 2 months to recover.

This past week, two more people I know, passed away. Today, one of my closest friends had cancer removed from his face. Two days before Christmas a friend from work had cancer removed from her face as well.

I don't know what I would do if I was told that I would never leave the hospital and return home to my family. I can't even imagine being told that I have less than a week to live, especially after being so healthy up to only a couple weeks before. I sit here now thinking of all the many, many things I have to get done. As I dropped my daughter off at work, and then brought my grandson into the house, he started to point at the huge mound of snow outside and kept saying, "snow? snow?" I had introduced him to the fun one can have in the snow the day before, and he remembered. I took him into the house anyways, thinking of all the things I had to get done inside the house. As I got inside the door, I brought to mind those things that are really important. I walked back outside with my grandson and followed him around our crescent as he tromped through the snow with the biggest smile on his face. He was saying new words and phrases such as "tree", "more", and "dirty snow". He was discovering a new white world outside of the house. He learned what it feels like to be made a priority and to be loved. He learned how fun it is to be thrown in the snowbank and that it isn't the end of the world to get snow in his face. This also taught him the meaning of "cold". (He knows what "hot" is and says it well.) I got to feel my heart swell with the sound of his giggles, and feel his arms tight around my neck in appreciation, as he kissed my chin. I got to show him what it looked like and felt like to jiggle snow off the tree branches, while standing underneath. I got to let loose, be a kid again and play in the snow as well. I even managed to get some shoveling done. Most important of all, a nana and her little grandson bonded. The start of a bond that will last a lifetime.

We never know how long our lifetime, or the lifetime of those we love will be. It could be years, months or only days. Our lives could be put on hold because of an illness, or injury. There are a lot of things to do in everyday life that need to be done. I believe that we have to make time for fun, laughter, bonding and love. Every day I get older, I understand this more and more. I work to sustain life. I do things I am passionate about, I play, love, laugh and bond with others in order to live. Without those things, I'm not really living, I am simply existing. I have to take time for those things. I want to always live my life to it's very fullest. I want to always look for potential in myself, and strive to reach for it. When my time to leave my family comes, I can leave with an overflowing heart, and say, "well done".

Remind Me Again

2010-12-26T08:52:00.000-08:00

A small gift with a one liner in the Christmas card, but a huge reminder for me in this tough time of my life. "What we choose to endure regardless of circumstance, is who we become". I especially like the word "choose". I know this and have always known and been a strong believer in this concept. But anger and grief, and heartache blinded me to it. I am very strong of character and I know that the circumstances in my life have given me this, plus many other great qualities.

As I opened a DVD to watch this morning, a cutout of a quote fell out of the case. I cut it out years ago, but have no idea how it got in this movie case. I have no idea why it would even be in there. "It is not in the still calm of life, or the repose of a pacific station, that great characters are formed. . .The habits of a vigorous mind are formed in contending with difficulties. All history will convince you of this, and that wisdom and penetration are the fruit of experience, not the lessons of retirement and leisure. Great necessities call out great virtue".

I was also reminded by a very wise friend, that it is the blessings of my life that I need to keep in the forefront of my mind, and remember that it is the end result of my trials I need to look forward to. Be positive and know that in the end, things will be as they should be. Spend more time thinking of solutions, not the problems themselves.

This Christmas season our home has one empty chair at the table. A high chair to be specific. But I know that in the end, that chair will be full again, with giggles, spilt juice, and messy spaghetti sauce. I have to have faith in that. I have to look forward to that. I know that I have great kids with a great love and respect for each other and for myself. They recognize and appreciate the bonds we share. I need to continue to be strong for them, and in the end, our family will be whole again. My family is everything to me. They are my breath of everyday life, that keeps me going, keeps me smiling, keeps me laughing, and reminds me who I am and who I need to keep on being.

Peace and Harmony

2010-11-24T15:47:00.000-08:00

We often hear our instructors talk about living in peace and harmony. We usually use that phrase in reference to being at peace with the knowledge of our preparedness. We train hard so that when we are faced with a self defense situation, we can defend ourselves instinctively.

What about being prepared for our scheduled grading? It is a huge mistake to wait till the last minute to prepare for my grading and try to cram as I would cram for a midterm. It would be such a feeling of freedom to know that I have prepared every day by doing at least 10 minutes of kung fu. When it comes my turn to grade, I would be ready. I would always be ready. Life often throws obstacles in my direction that disrupt my daily routines. When this happens, my routine ends up needing an overhaul. If I am in the middle of "cramming" for a grading, and then something out of the ordinary comes my way, I am in serious trouble. Being behind is one thing, and trying to get caught up takes a lot of extra time, so when a wrench gets thrown into the equation, I can't even keep up to regular routine, never mind trying to add time into it.

I don't like being embarrassed, and standing in class like a deer in the headlights when I am asked to do something. By training on a regular basis, I can feel confident in class, and remove stress, knowing that I am prepared.

There are so many reasons for being prepared in my kung fu training. An important one is so that I can always defend myself with confidence, and with accuracy. A more important reason that has recently surfaced, is that I need to be prepared so I can defend my family. If I failed to do that because I just didn't practice enough, I would never be able to forgive myself. It is also important for me to feel a sense of emotional freedom that comes from being prepared. I hate being dragged down by the chains of failure, especially when it is due to my own lack of responsibility. I only let my instructors down, and I let myself down.

It is only fair that I take my training seriously enough to be prepared for my instructors. It is not fair to them that I slack off with my training and have an attitude that I don't care, after all the time they put into teaching me. This is my responsibility to them. It is not only my responsibility as a student to my instructors, but also as an instructor to my students. I need to be on top of things for them as well.

Tai Chi

2010-10-24T10:07:00.000-07:00

I would have thought that I would have learned by now never to procrastinate. Once in awhile I come across something I absolutely have to do, but feel that the task is a bit too difficult, so I naturally tend to put it off. Then when I finally make the plunge to get at it, I discover that the task isn't near as hard as I thought it was going to be. Then I regret waiting so long to get started.

That's the way it was with my Tai chi. I put off practicing it for so long thinking that it is going to be hard to remember what I had learned. Then when I finally got started, it wasn't at all as tough as I had anticipated. In fact, the form came back to memory quite easily, plus a bonus. When I used to do tai chi, it seemed like such a blur. I couldn't put names to moves, or remember the order of the moves. It took so much hard work to get through the form. Now, it all seems so much clearer. The names and moves are so easy to put together, and remember. Of course, like other times, I regret procrastinating. I am of course very glad to be back at it again, and am looking forward to tightening up my tai chi skills.

Kung fu IS life!

2010-10-21T09:33:00.000-07:00

I had a job interview yesterday for an area supervisor position with the company I work for. I find that interviews are much easier now that I live a kung fu lifestyle. One of the questions I got asked was, " can you state a time in your life when you had to perform with an eye for detail?" Hhhhmmmm . . . let me see. Another question was, " have you ever had to perform in a leadership role, and in what capacity?" Again, hhhmmmm . . . I also got asked if there was ever a time that I had to work on something while being totally aware of what I was doing and how I was doing it.

These questions were easy to answer with my kung fu in mind, but I was also able to easily answer them with examples of things I do or have done outside of the kwoon. By relating experiences in the kwoon, it was easy to relate and bring to mind experiences outside of the kwoon. I felt relaxed, confident, and answered the questions and performed to the best of my ability. I left the interview feeling positive, no matter what the outcome.

Compassion For All

2010-10-17T16:03:00.001-07:00

I look up to a lot of people at Silent River Kung Fu, and I happened to be talking to one of them just the other day. In my eyes, this individual is a strong person, with confidence in themselves and their abilities. They are a talented martial artist, a fine example of discipline and the type of person who works hard to achieve their goals. This person holds high standards, and trains hard to maintain a high level in their kung fu. I have always felt that this person is someone I can turn to as an example of how I should be, in my quest to better myself.

I was absolutely shocked to hear some of the things they told me the other day. The person I see is not the same person that they see in themselves. In my eyes, this person has a strong base of martial arts knowledge. They have kept up with the required curriculum. In their opinion, they have a lot to do to get caught up and be at the level they should be.

This person is confident and a strong leader, and someone well liked and respected. They, however shared with me how they feel very uncomfortable when they come to class, sometimes like they don't belong. Of all the things this person shared with me, this shocked me the very most. I felt that as a fellow martial artist, I had let this person down. I have always thought of myself as a very compassionate person. I now realize that I am sometimes compassionate and reach out only to those who I feel need me to. I tend to "ignore", for lack of a better term, the people that I feel have a high level of self confidence, and Knowledge. I like them, and am friendly to them, but I think I tend to take more from this type of person than what I give. Why? I don't think that they need anything from me. I don't feel I have anything to give them.

This was a real eye opener to me. We are expected to put on a face when in public, and act as if our world is all that it should be. So then, how am I to know when people need me, or are hurting, or feeling as if they are not one of the "family"? I guess that's not important for me to try and judge. What is important, is that I befriend everyone, whether I feel they need me to or not. I should extend a helping hand and a compassionate heart to ALL of my fellow martial artist. Not just the ones I choose to.

Great Class!

2010-09-27T18:56:00.000-07:00

I haven't quite been feeling myself lately. I'm just trying to adjust to having 2 more people in the house. The fact that one of them is only 15 months old, has been, at my age. . . an adventure. Don't get me wrong, I love them both to death and am soooo glad they are here, and a part of my life. It is a lot of fun most days. Some days though, are very busy and I don't get the time to myself that I have become accustomed to.

Tonight though, thanks to kung fu, I feel great! I just taught the beginner class, from beginning to end, warm up and all. It was a blast! As I biked home, I biked as fast as I could because I came away from class feeling extremely energized, positive, and ready to take on the world! This all thanks to the students, for the energy, and attitudes they brought to class. They worked hard, pushed themselves and made the class what it was. It was great! Thanks guys!!

2010-09-20T09:40:00.000-07:00

When faced with adversity, we need to be like a baby learning to walk. Every time they fall, they get right back up again. If they didn't, they would never learn to walk.

Yahtzee!

2010-09-13T09:46:00.000-07:00

I had my life pretty much in order 2 months ago. I had balance. I knew what my goals were and how I was going to attain them. It was great! Now. . . I feel like my life was put in a yahtzee cup, given a good shake, and then thrown up in the air to see where it all lands. My priorities have changed a lot and my time is no longer my own. My priorities surround 2 people in my life, and helping them to get a fresh new start and progress in their lives.

I haven't done any kung fu for a while now, but am hoping to get back at my training as soon as possible. I just need to regain the balance and focus in my life and try to find a schedule that is going to work in order to allow me to get back on track. I know that I can't get the same balance I had before but somehow I can find a new sense of balance that will fulfill the needs of everyone involved. When my life is smoothed over a bit, and with those involved, I can go back to the way it used to be. For now, a shift in priorities is a must, a need for patience is great, and a drive for a positive attitude is always in the works.

2010-08-10T09:24:00.000-07:00

There are many reasons why teaching is beneficial to me. Lately I am grateful for the connection to kung fu that teaching gives me. When a wrench gets thrown into my usual "balance" of life and daily routine, my teaching gives me the connection I need to stay on track. It keeps my mind moving forward in the right direction.

Changes

2010-07-29T09:43:00.000-07:00

Once again I am stuck with what to say. My kung fu is still there, and my passion is still there too. I have been putting the ideas from my last blog to the test. It has changed my outlook on so many aspects of my life. I don't keep a running tab on what I have accomplished and what I haven't. I concern myself more in what I have learned and how I have progressed as an individual. I don't compare myself to others, I compare myself to myself: how I was yesterday and how I am today. I understand fully when people say, "I wish I knew yesterday, what I know today". I appreciate the personal growth I have gained in the last 11 years of my training. I would have to say that what I have learned and how I have grown mentally has been far more beneficial to me than what I have gained in a physical sense. Kung fu has truly made me a new person. It has improved my quality of life immensely.

Learning My Way to Self Worth

2010-07-14T09:26:00.000-07:00

Over the years, Kung fu has given me a lot of things that have helped me to build character, integrity, work ethic, and a sense of self worth. Recognizing my self worth has increased my quality of life, changed my way of thinking, and helped me deal with depression, negative thoughts of myself, and of my choices.

When I explain these benefits to others, I used to get stumped when I try to explain how it all works. Why, and how, has the martial arts helped me to build self esteem and how has it taught me to recognize and appreciate my self worth?

The first thing i can think of is my accomplishments. I've earned my black belt, I feel good about that, and I'm proud of myself. I have self worth. I know how to use a spear, so I have self worth. On the surface, that may seem how the whole process works, but if I dig a little deeper, I know that's not really true. This kind of thought process can be dangerous.

To earn a black belt and think I am good because of it, isn't called self worth, it's called egotism. To think I am good because of my achievements, is to say that I am better than the next guy. Along with that I would have to say that if I am good because I accomplish something, does that mean that I am not good if I don't? This is such an unhealthy way of thinking. My self worth is static. I am worth the same as the next guy and vise versa. It is how I feel about my self worth that changes. It should move in an upward swing. It shouldn't go up and down according to what I accomplish and what I don't.

There are far too many outside factors that play a role in whether or not I accomplish something. If I am working with one of my weapons and I just can't seem to get it right, it doesn't mean I'm bad at it. It means I have to look at what is affecting my performance. I notice more easily now, that if I haven't had enough sleep, I am not properly focused on my tasks. If I haven't eaten a healthy meal, or are menstruating, my energy level is below what I need it to be. My rock climbing has made these issues much more recognizable, and now I see the difference these factors play in my martial arts as well. Another factor that plays a role in my performance is my arthritis. I try to ignore it and carry on with life as usual, but some days it can't be ignored and makes sure to remind me that it is there.

So, if my accomplishments don't regulate my self worth, what does? I think the answer is "learning". When I think about my accomplishments, or overcoming a challenge, it isn't the end result that is so rewarding. It's what I've learned in gaining the accomplishments. I've always believed that the final destination isn't near as important as the journey it took to get there.

If I focus more on the efforts of my training, and less on the outcome, I notice an increase in my awareness, and as a result, I have a better eye for detail. When I am performing a form and constantly thinking about the end result when I am done; did I do a good job or not, I'm not really learning anything. By switching my main focus to learning, my awareness improves and I can apply myself more fully without having anxieties about the end result. I believe this to be a smarter way to train. I also think this is connected to "being in the moment". When I take the time to truly feel the horse stance, the power in my punch, and the connection of my being to the ground underfoot, it draws awareness, and from that awareness I can begin to make changes towards improvement. Learning. It's all linked to learning.

When I think back on the times in my training when I have felt a sense of hitting a plateau, I can understand now why I felt that way. I would go through my forms one after another with one thought in mind: if I get through the form without any mistakes, I'm good. I know the form. . . now what? I was training with an end result in mind. This way of thinking hampers my ability to learn. Without learning, I failed to see any progression, and also failed to notice my self worth. Why? Because my self worth comes from inside. It comes from my dedication to knowledge, to my passion for the arts, and to learning about every detail of the form. It doesn't come from just ending the form.

I see this in students all the time, as I did in myself as a colored belt. We learn a form and as soon as we think we know it all the way through, we think we're done and want to learn a new one. What we sometimes don't realize is that there is so much more to learn within a form. We must take the time to explore, experiment, feel, sense, balance, connect,and "BE" the form. We should be trying to make it look like art. This takes a lot of time and learning.

Self worth is internal. It comes from the journey. It comes from learning. It comes from being involved in things we value and are passionate about. Egotism is external. It comes from the end result, or our final destination, without thought, appreciation, or recognition of how we got there. I've always wondered how a person with such a big ego can have such little self esteem. Now I know. They place too much value only on the things they have accomplished.

I have always valued the power of learning and LOVE to learn about anything and everything. I also love to teach and help others to learn. I would have to say though, that my sense of self worth comes from internal as well as external factors. Both are what give me motivation. I have been working more towards recognizing the internal factors and drawing a greater appreciation for them. I do try to separate my self worth from the end results of my performance. It's a lose-lose situation if I don't.

I love a challenge and being able to test myself with difficult tasks. Not just to see if I can do it, but to experience what it takes to overcome, and to rise to my potential. Therein lies personal growth. . . learning. . . self worth. I know that the more I can separate my self worth from my achievements, the less I will feel the need to "prove" myself to others. Relying more on internal motivations gives me the power and control when determining value and worth. Thus my internal motivations will build my self confidence. How? External factors will play a smaller role in how I feel about myself. My self awareness increases as I am more in tune with my strengths, weaknesses, and what I am doing. It gives me a reliable and stable center to my being. I can learn to count on my own abilities. This is confidence. Confidence in myself. My confidence will grow and so will my sense of self worth, the more I come to value learning over achievements,

To Lead or not to Lead

2010-07-11T06:11:00.000-07:00

A few weeks ago, I had been given a job to do at the back of the store where I work. Myself and a couple of my coworkers had to cut up a bunch of junk pallets and pile the rest of them in nice neat stacks. It was a no brainer kind of job, but a lot of work. I didn't mind, and besides it was a nice day. Being outside doing a not-so-fun job is far better than being inside doing a not-so-crappy kind of job as far as I am concerned.

About an hour into the job, the assistant store manager that I work closely with, came out to see how the job was going. My coworkers were off a ways out of ear shot when my manager walked up closer to me. He just kind of stood there, which was pretty weird. Then he said, "hay...um..." I asked him what was up? He said, "well..." I said, "oh come on Bill, just spit it out. I'm easy to talk to." So he asked me, "why are you here?" I thought it was kind of a silly question so simply told him that I was cleaning up these junk pallets because I had been asked to. "No", he said. "Why are you here now, doing what you do?" I knew what he was getting at, even though he had a hard time spitting it out. I had been approached about this subject more than once over the last couple weeks. "You want to know why I'm not in a manager position, don't you?" He said, "yes, because you certainly have the capabilities." Hhhmmmmmm...

I told Bill that I had taken the "interview managers test" in the past and been offered a position. I turned it down however, because of a couple of reasons. #1 Managers schedules are all over the board. Every day they work a different shift. I work 4 AM to 1 PM, every day. It never changes. #2 Managers work weekends. I work Monday to Friday. #3. I really didn't want the stress and headache that managers get from their job. After I explained this, Bill simply said, "thank you, that's all I needed to know."

I have thought a lot about this conversation in the last few weeks and questioned my decision. Not asking myself if it was the right choice, but was it a good leadership decision? Leadership plays a large role in my martial arts training. We are given the tools and encouragement to become great leaders and make positive changes in the world. Would being a manager give me the opportunity to make great changes in the world? Probably not, but it would be an awesome opportunity for learning, improving my leadership skills, and facing a challenge. I would be up for that in a minute. But not at the cost it would take. Being upfront and honest with myself, I would have to say that the biggest reason I do not want a managers position is because I am working towards a stress free kind of lifestyle. I like being able to clock out at the end of the day, and walk out the doors worry free. As a manager it would be difficult to do that. With more responsibilities, comes more worries, and it would be hard for me not to take my work home with me. I don't want that in my life.

On Friday I took off to Lake Chickakoo for 4 hours. I did some writing, rode my bike through the trails, then sat in the sun reading. Peace, serenity, sheer joy. That is the kind of life I seek. No worries, no stress. Life in general has it's own components of pressures and stress, but I have learned how to deal with them and keep them to a minimum. I really don't want to add to them. Is this selfish of me? Does this make me a cop-out? I have decided the answer is no. I have come to the conclusion that I need and want to do what is in my best interests. Right now working 4 to 1 Monday to Friday gives me so many more opportunities to do the things that enrich my life, such as taking off to Chickakoo, camping and hiking on the weekends, biking in the afternoons, or reading in my hammock in the back yard. Wow! When I say it like that, it does sound kind of selfish. But, I guess that's ok. Ha ha!

Peace, harmony, tranquility. Within the world and within oneself. These are also part of being a martial artist, and I do seek after these things. I like my life and my schedule just the way it is. At work I am still a leader amongst my team. Perhaps not in a managerial kind of way, but in other ways such as knowledge, moral building, and as someone to be counted on. There are a lot of other areas in my life that give me opportunities for leadership as well, especially in my martial arts training.

So, after struggling with this for a while, it suddenly seems clear, now that my thoughts are all out in the open. I have made the right decision by not accepting the position of a manager, and that's good enough for me. There stands no reason to feel guilty.

Up We Go!

2010-06-27T08:43:00.000-07:00

Ok, I feel bad enough when Sifu Brinker has to get on our case about our blog, but when a student does, I somehow feel even worse. I have had 3 different blogs ready to go, but just haven't made the time to get them published. Here goes. . .

I had an exciting week last week, as I finally took my test for belaying as a lead climber. I PASSED!! Woot woot! My friend has been helping me practice for a few weeks now, and I finally built up the courage and confidence to just go for it. Without my lead belay ticket, I can't lead climb at the climbing gym, I can only top rope. ( I already have my ticket for that).

Lead climbing has added a whole new level of challenge into my life, never mind into my climbing experience. It is very, very hard! When top roping, you are suspended from the top of the climb by a rope that is attached to your belayer at the bottom. If you fall, you come away from the wall, and simply hang suspended from the top. You get back on the wall when ready and "climb on" from where you left off, if you so choose. In lead climibing, you are attached to you belayer from the bottom. Period. You pack the heavy rope up with you as you climb, and clip in as you go. If you fall from your climb, after just having made a clip, you fall away from the wall, and down, but not to far. If you fall just as you are about to make a clip, you fall as far down, to your last clip and then some. It's kind of scarey. Your belayer has to be on their toes so they can quickly scoot into the wall as you fall, so that your fall is not a sudden jolt when you stop.

Also in lead climbing there are a lot more climbs that slant out away from a nice straight vertical ascent, plus tons more overhangs. A lot of the lead climbing routes at the climbing gym, end with the climber hanging from the ceiling. I have yet to master keeping my feet touching the wall/ceiling in such an occasion. When I am suspended from the ceiling, my feet want to hang straight down. I am not sure yet if that is a case of inexperience with the technique or leg strength, or both.

Also with lead climbing, you often have to hang from the wall with only one hand, as your other hand makes the clip. So not only are you using all the strength you can muster to pull yourself up the wall and hang onto the wall, you have to let go with one hand, pull up enough of your rope as you need to reach the clip, and then clip. This is where I feel so much personal growth, for lack of better words. I don't know how to explain the feeling. After about the 3rd clip, any more become a real chore. My muscles are very fatigued, and I just don't feel I can hang on a second longer,and my mind is yelling ...YELLING at me to just hang on and make that clip!! "You can do it! You can do it!" Then after the clip, I can get both hands back on the wall. If I really need to, I can yell down, "take" to my belayer, which tells them to tighten up the rope, so I can let go of the wall and rest my arms. Then my own silent words of encouragement. "Wow, you did it".

I have found a huge difference in my need to be prepared for lead climbing, in a way I didn't have to for top roping. I have to make sure that I get a good nights sleep the night before. I can't go if I am even the slight bit tired, or feeling even a bit out of sorts. I have done this in the past, but my level of focus is not at all what it should be, plus I tire out very quickly. I don't climb well, and I sometimes leave upset at myself. Being able to problem solve is a huge part of rock climbing, as with any activity that becomes hard if you are tired. Outside on a real rock face, lack of focus, can have deadly consequences. In the real world of having to defend for yourself, it's very much the same.

This brings to mind the need to bow in at the beginning of our kung fu classes. We need to take that time to get rid of anything outside of the kwoon, and bring all our focus inside it. Inside of ourselves. Kung fu is problem solving as well, but at a much faster pace. You have to act now. You may not have the time to feel your way around and decide on your next move.

In a physical sense, lead climbing has introduced me to new muscles I have never felt before. The strength I feel increasing in my back starts with the good pain I feel the day after. I work my abs all the time, but after a day of lead climbing, my abs are saying, "we're still here." My shoulders and forearms are at a level of strength they have never reached before.

I feel very blessed to have a physical body that allows me to enrich my life through activities such as rock climbing, and kung fu. It allows me to push myself that much further and enter a new realm of personal growth. I am appreciative of a clear mind that recognizes the good these things bring into my life. I am also grateful for the martial arts that have given me tools to become so aware of my true self, and the confidence to not be afraid to dig further into, and explore what makes me tic. I am grateful for the adventures in my life and the courage to seek new ones. My life is incredibly enriched with a friend who shares all these adventures with me, and willingly takes my hand to find new ones.

Kung Fu Bear in Japan! (UNEDITED)

2010-05-30T17:37:00.000-07:00

Work and Play Make For a Busy Day

2010-05-25T18:54:00.000-07:00

Wow! What a day! Worked from 4 am to 1 pm, went climbing from 2 until 5:30, then mowed the lawn till 7:30. I'm bushed. But was it ever worth it! I was out at a friends place watching a movie with him until 10:00 last night, so my climbing wasn't quite what it usually is. I was a bit tired to start with. But still...worth it! A bad day climbing is still better than a good day at work.

Every day seems to be busier than usual lately. I have been doing a lot of overtime at work again, plus I had company from B.C. show up unexpectedly on Wednesday. Combine that with a weekend of church conference, birthday and mothers day celebrations, painting my sons room before he comes home from the States, preparing the gardens, and of course having a bit of fun, and my kung fu training tends to fall more towards the bottom of the priority list. It is sad but true.

Ruffle My Feathers.

2010-05-06T10:07:00.000-07:00

I've been contemplating lately, how grateful I am for the support I have received throughout my years of kung fu training. Not once have I ever had anyone say anything remotely close to, "why do you do that stuff?". Even when I've been a bit sore and bruised, no one has ever questioned my training. I have always been met with full support for fulfilling one of my passions.

In my experience, people are starting to see that far more is involved in the martial arts than what you see through the window. A popular response that I often get when people find out I am in kung fu is, "wow!" "Good for you". "Martial arts is very disciplined and there is so much more to it than self defense, isn't there?" This opens up a great avenue to educate them about what's really behind the window.

I have become quite particular over the years with those I associate with. I push more towards people who uplift and edify my life and people who support me, and help me to become the best person I can be. No matter where I go, and who I am associating with, my friends, family, co workers and all who know me well, give me respect, support and they show sincere interest in my life's passions.

When I joined kung fu, it wasn't so that I could learn how to beat the snot out of people, or become real tough. I joined because it looked like fun. A part of me wanted to join because of the abuse I had as a child. I wanted to gain the ability, confidence, and knowledge to defend myself if I ever had to.

Now, as a 2nd degree black belt, I ask myself, "could I really defend myself if I had to?" I don't know beyond a shadow of a doubt if I could completely take out an attacker. I do know, however, that I could make my way out of a bad situation. Before kung fu I was like one of those victims you see in the movies. While being choked, they are screaming and trying to pry the attackers hands from around their neck. Thanks to kung fu, I have the knowledge and confidence to worry little about the hands around my neck, and to pay more attention to the attackers groin, shins, or cheekbones. I know how to use the attackers weight against him, and how to use it to my full advantage. I know how to turn the situation around and become the attacker while making my attacker become the victim.

Some people say that kung fu should make them rough and tough. They say that women should be able to "put on their big girl panties and suck it up". I suppose there is more than one way to define rough and tough. Kung fu has not made me tough in a sense of masculinity. I know that kung fu has made me tough in a way that I can better utilize my inner strengths. I can overcome pretty much any kind of adversity that gets thrown at me, and even attack it from all sides.

As I age, I know that I can't physically rough up my body the same as I did even 5 years ago. The arthritis in my hips has forced me to limit any kind of brutal falls such as the scissor technique. A hard slam to the floor could lead to a broken hip. Then where would I be? Arthritis and long term abuse to my wrists now make push ups and wrist locks painful when they never used to before. One person can not judge the pain of another. A slam to the floor for an arthritic body hurts more and does far more damage than it would to an average body. It goes without saying, that a hit of any kind, hurts an older body more than it does a younger one.

I don't go around and complain about my aches and pains. Nor do I go about looking to get injured. I do my best with what I have, while taking care of myself so that I have this body of mine to use for years to come.

No matter how people try to look at it, men and women are NOT created equal. Men do not get sore breasts, cramps and bleed every month. The last time I checked, men could not have babies, and women could not pee standing up. Not without a mess anyways. Women do not have the muscle mass that men do. Biology 20 says that a mans main body mass consists of muscle, while a woman's consists mainly of fat. I believe that it would feel far different for a woman to get punched in the belly from a man, than it would for a man to get punched in the belly from a woman. We just quite simply are not the same, in my opinion.

I believe the world needs more tolerance, and less tunnel vision. Just because we think and act and feel a certain way, it in no way means that the guy beside us does too. We can't judge others by who we are. We have to accept people for who THEY are.

Nothing...

2010-04-22T09:53:00.000-07:00

Not really much to say, which is why I have been putting off doing my journal. My life seems to go along smoothly as the "same 'ol, same 'ol. Nothing new. I haven't even been training too much lately due to a weird kind of foot thing, and have even slacked off on my workouts.

For about 3 weeks now, I have had swelling and no feeling in my right foot. I have had issues with this foot at work before, but it was always to do with pain. I changed my steel toe boots, and the pain seemed to go away. That was months ago. Then the pain came back and with it, no feeling in the top of my foot and my toes. So again I changed my steel toe boots. They were hand me downs anyways, and I had worn the souls completely off the bottom. There was no tread left at all. So last week I bought brand new boots that are a good fit, and have great reads. I regained feeling in my 2 smallest toes, and the far right side of my foot, but the rest is still numb, and swollen.

A big part of the problem with my foot and my left hip that is really bothering me, is that I walk on concrete for 8 hours a day. For the last 2 weeks, I have worked overtime, doing 12 hour days, plus longer when I do my part time job on Thursdays. I know my back is way out of whack, because of the way my arms hang so differently along the sides of my body. I'm beginning to think a visit to the chiropractor may help. I have also ordered some "Ergomates". They are anti fatigue mats that you strap onto the bottom of your boots. They eliminate a lot of the pounding, and instead, cushion the joints. I am really hoping these will help.

For now, I stay off my feet whenever possible, which isn't much. I tried rock climbing last night, and did pretty good considering. Having to wear shoes 2 sizes too small didn't feel so good with the swelling, but I need my toe to be on the ledge of the rock, not just the shoe. I am hoping that once I get my ergomates and make a visit to the chiropractor, and maybe not so much overtime, that I will be up and running with my kung fu training once again.

Time to Start Living

2010-03-27T10:09:00.000-07:00

Live in the moment. Live for the moment. Appreciate the now. I have to be brutally honest here and say that I usually suck at this...until now. I'm learning, and I am getting there.

I always think, and hope, that tomorrow will be a better day; I'll have more money, I'll have more time, I'll fall in love. But, so far, those days have never come, and I'm tired of wasting valuable time and energy hoping that they will. Today is the day to be happy and appreciate what I've got. I never thought appreciation was a problem for me, but if I think about it, how can I say I appreciate all I've got and yet want more? I have tried real hard these past months to still my soul and be content with who I am, where I am, and where my life is at personally. I've learned to not have expectations for a better tomorrow. Expectations, different from goals, only lead to letdowns. When I am content and at peace with my life, anything extra that comes along is a bonus. And expectations of others can load them down with guilt.

For me, living in the moment means using all of my senses, all of the time. I guess that's why I like being in the mountains the most. It's so easy to slow things down enough to smell the trees, hear the nearby streams, and the birds, feel the surface of the earth beneath my feet, taste the mist in the morning fog, and see the multitude of hues in the forest greens. In town, there are too many distractions that draw my senses elsewhere or make me unaware of them altogether. It's like going to a restaurant and feeling very hungry. My mouth is watering in anticipation for that succulent juicy steak. The steak comes along and I eat it. But...I didn't actually take the time to taste it. I was too distracted by conversation at the table, and the going-ons in the restaurant. When I'm finished eating it, I realize I didn't take time to savor it, and even notice the taste. I failed to live in the moment and instead let it slip by. I sometimes do the same thing when I listen to my music. A favorite song comes on, so I crank up the volume and feel my inner excitement build in anticipation of the joy the song will bring. Then the song ends and my mind is brought back to it. Where had it been? It wandered in a matter of seconds. Onto other thoughts. I completely stopped even registering that the song was playing. So I start the song over again, and force myself to focus on it. I sing the words, hear the instruments, feel the bass, and recognize my emotions. I live in the moment. If it's a really wonderful song that stirs my emotions in a favorable way, I live FOR that moment.

At work, it's hard to live in the moment. I'm really busy and things move fast. But I am learning that there are many other opportunities to live in the moment. When I am driving on the road outside of the city I can enjoy the glow of the northern lights, the patterns of the stars, the tunes on my ipod, and the solace of the moment. When I'm playing cards with my kids, I can relish in the sound of their laughter, the strength of their relationships, and the appreciation for their good health. I can even remember to live in the moment when I am doing my kung fu. During a form, I can sense a connection between my feet and the ground, feel the air brush by my arm, hear the rhythm of my breath, and even smell the air around me.

Yes, live in the moment. Live for the moment. For years now, I have convinced myself that in order to be happy, I would have to have more money. I would have to fall in love in order for my life to be fulfilled. I am done with that way of thinking. I realize now that it was sucking the very life out of me. It may sound cliche and I have heard it so many times before, but I'll say it anyways. The only person I need to make me happy and the only person that can make me happy, is myself. I finally believe that now. It didn't happen over night. It took months of soul searching, and working at turning around my negative attitude. I suppose heartaches have had a bit to do with it too.

Live in the moment. I may not have extra money to buy nice things, but I have enough to get by. I can survive. I can survive being single as well. I have come to grips with it. I thrive on independence. I depend on myself for almost everything. Now I can depend on myself for happiness. I find solace and strength in that. I have found "moments in my life". I can be happy for today and now, instead of waiting for a tomorrow that may never come. Only I can know the magnitude of the huge weight that has been lifted from my shoulders with this new growth within myself. I am free from the bonds of expectation.

Live in the moment. Live for the moment. Yes - I can do that. I will choose to do that. "My void comes from inner peace...All we have to do is live. Live in any way we choose. We choose our fate this way. Our fate shows the path we tread, and the paths we believe in our souls we can walk..." "I am never looking at my past as a reference to my future. I am here. Now. In the moment." Travis Panasiuk

Teaching

2010-03-07T10:40:00.000-08:00

I have been thinking a lot this week about teaching. I absolutely love it! I love teaching anything and everything...as long as I have a passion, a testimony and a full understanding of what I'm teaching. If I have all three of those things, teaching is a sinch. There is nothing to it. I can get in front of a class and teach with confidence, and conviction, and have a good time doing it.

In the past I have taught ashtanga and hatha yoga, african dance, strength training, kick boxing, pilates, Sunday school, orientation at work, kids at school, and of course in multiple areas of the kung fu school; adult classes, kids classes, form seminars, fitness classes, and bootcamp.

I am currently teaching the beginner adult/teen class with Sifu Shipalesky, and Sifu T. Playter. I really enjoy it and continue to learn a lot, even though it is a beginner class with basic curriculum. A lot can be learned from students new to the school. They have a fresh excitement about them with a new sense of energy and eagerness to learn. It is very exciting for me as an instructor to see them learn new concepts about kung fu and about life, and rewarding to stand at the front on promotion day as they receive their next belt.

I have been teaching the beginner class with Sifu Shipalesky for almost 2 years now, if my memory is correct. I love teaching with her because we have gone through the ranks together from day one, and have taught together since orange belt, so many years ago. We know each others teaching style really well, and can often read each other thoughts, so it is easy to know which direction one of us is going when we teach. Teaching along side of her makes me feel comfortable, confident, unified, and things usually run quite smooth.

At work the managers have asked me to get my certification as a lift equipment instructor. This would give me the qualifications to teach other associates how to operate the fork lifts, reach truck and order picker. I think that is very cool and I look forward to it. It's like a new adventure for me, and I LOVE new adventures. New adventures always take my level of growth, confidence and character just a little bit higher, and sometimes quite a bit higher depending on the adventure.

Teaching is always an adventure as well, and the results are the same as any other. It builds confidence, tolerance, character, patience, self awareness, and is always a learning experience in itself. Sometimes I screw up, but I learn from it and move on. It is true what they say about the teacher learning more than the students. As a teacher, I learn more about what I am teaching, but that's not all. As a teacher, I learn more about myself.

85 %

2010-02-28T17:09:00.000-08:00

Life is so often like a roller coaster. Sometimes we are up, sometimes we are down. Sometimes we are blessed, and sometimes we face adversity. Sometimes we are pumped and ready for anything, and sometimes we are discouraged.

I left the black belt class a couple weeks ago feeling the latter...discouraged. I am entering my fourth year as a 2nd degree black belt and time draws near for my next promotion. I have fulfilled most of my requirements, but one real important one hangs in the balance. I need 85% attendance at my classes. Sifu Brinker made this very clear to all of us in the class at that time. I walked out feeling, "I guess I may as well quit now".

Perhaps that is the negative side of me sneaking out again, but I will never have 85% class attendance, at least not in the black belt class. Once the weather is warm, I plan to spend every weekend I can, in the mountains. My oldest daughter is already asking me "when are we going to plan our first camping trip?" I also have plans to hike the West Coast Trail, and back pack and mountain bike a lot as I did last year.

So the big question is, what am I going to do about it? I know that quitting just isn't an option. How do you all of a sudden quit a way of life. kung fu...way of life...to me they are one of the same. I can't even imagine my life without kung fu.

It isn't even the promotion that is important to me, although yes, my true self may not be able to handle getting left behind as others are promoted ahead of me. Being promoted is not a huge goal for me though, and maybe that is not a good thing to admit. I enjoy constantly training, learning and progressing in skill, and it doesn't matter what class I attend, I always learn something. Sometimes it has to do with a physical movement, sometimes it has to do with something mental, and sometimes it is simple knowledge such as the effects of smoking. I always feel I am moving forward. I don't need an extra stripe on my belt to prove that to myself.

As I have thought a lot about this lately I have only come up with one solution. Do what I always do and let the chips fall where they may. I will continue to teach in other classes, train on my own and keep up with my curriculum and requirements, and attend the black belt classes that I can. I think that is all I can do. Quitting just isn't an option. Neither is giving up my time in the mountains. I wait all winter long to get away, and "be free". I feel most like my true self when I am outdoors, and it is so much of my life line.

Could I train a little harder? I could train A LOT harder, and I will try. I will try to put in that extra effort, and be the martial artist that I keep dreaming of being. But aside from that, and keeping a good positive attitude, I will train as I have been and see what happens. I am not what Sifu Brinker calls an "Edge, or a "Robertson". I am simply a "Stoddart". I have my own way, and I follow what I feel I need in my life right now. Sometimes I think that may be a bit selfish, but then that feeling passes and I know that for now, I am doing the right thing. " A time and a season for all things".

Environments & Products

2010-02-21T06:23:00.000-08:00

My daughter and grandson were here recently, visiting from Toronto for a couple weeks. When I dropped them off at the airport for their flight home, my daughter paid me a compliment that every parent waits to hear. It made me feel like maybe I did things right by her after all.

Her compliment also made me contemplate about the years of raising my kids. I realized that I did my best with what I had. One of the things I did that helped my kids a lot was to give them a home that was a safe haven from the outside world. There are a lot of things that kids deal with at school and in the playground; teasing, fighting, and being judged by their peers. In our home, there was zero tolerance for these things. Instead, I instilled in our home a feeling of safety, understanding, compassion and support. As I think about it, I made our home a product of me.

It's true that to some degree, we are a product of our environment. I don't think it can be helped in some cases. I also know for a fact that to an even greater degree, we can make our environment a product of us. From this point, it can take on a snowball effect. We make our environment a product of us, then those in that environment are affected by it if they choose, and then they go on to affect the environment they interact with, again, if they so choose. For example, I make my home a product of me, my children become somewhat a product of our home, and in turn they gain qualities that help them to make their own environment a product of who they are.

The big "uh huh" light went on and I could clearly see the connection to this train of thought and the one that Sifu Brinker is trying to instill in his students. We make a difference in ourselves, then our homes, then our communities, and our influence continues to spread to other areas of the world. Silent River kung fu is a product of those who run it, mainly Sifu Brinker. The good that happens within it's walls can change lives, and families, thus rippling out into the community, and thanks to the world wide web, it also ripples out to the world. ie...UBBT. This influence of the school in the community also includes charities, volunteer work and demonstrations.

Joan of Arc was one of my heroes. She is an incredible example of making her environment a product of who she was, what she believed in, and what she so courageously did. She grew up as a poor, humble, uneducated young girl, living in a poor home in a poor community that lacked hope of a better tomorrow. Yet...she influenced her environment in such a way that she changed the very tides of history. She gave her home, her community and her country a reason to hope, and a reason to fight for a better future.

We are all a product of our environment, but to what degree depends on us and us alone. In grade 9, I was in foster care and went to 4 different schools in that one year. With the semester systems different at each school, I missed a lot of math. Today, I still don't know much about algebra. But that's my choice. I could easily take a class and learn it. Some people just are who they are because of their upbringing, and missed opportunities. Some people, through the examples of others, look for the opportunities, and grab them by the horns. They become a product of their environment in a more positive way. They recognize a need for change and they take it, no matter the level of risk, fear, or sacrifice.

Unfortunately there are those that are not happy in their environment, and they recognize a need for change, but aren't willing to do something about it. Sometimes the unhappy situation feels more safe and secure than the unknown. I understand this, and the strength of it's power. So I respect people in this type of situation. It is still heartbreaking though, to see someone live in an unhappy environment when they have such potential to break free, take the risk and make improvements.

It's important for me to pass on these thoughts to my children. Are you a product of your environment, or is your environment a product of you? Or...do you have a healthy balance of both? We can't live other peoples lives for them, but we can influence them for the better through our example and through making our immediate environment no matter how large or small a positive, uplifting, happy and secure one.

From Adversities Come Greatness

2010-01-18T12:37:00.000-08:00

"It is not in the still calm of life, or the repose of a pacific station that great characters are formed...The habits of a vigorous mind are formed in contending with difficulties. All history will convince you of this, and that wisdom and penetration are the fruit of experience not the lessons of retirement and leisure. Great necessities call out great virtues".

Author unknown

Is Hope Hopeless?

2010-01-10T14:59:00.000-08:00

"I hope I can pass the test". "I hope my children grow up to have strong character traits, and compassion for others". "I hope they pull through the operation". Hope... I heard a phrase a while back that said "hope was paralyzing". Although it's been weeks since I heard this, I can't get it out of my head, and how it pertains to my own personal character.

Is it good to have hope, or is it not good? My daughter says that to have hope for unrealistic expectations is not good. It can blind a person to the reality of what really is. My research for my 10 heroes in the UBBT causes me to question what my daughter says. To hope that a one legged man could run across the country and raise thousands of dollars for cancer research may seem to many, to be an unrealistic expectation. No more than to hope that a teenage girl could lead an army of men to numerous victorious battles that would in turn change the tide of history. How sad it would be if Joan of Arc and Terry Fox lacked the hope to make a difference in the world.

To me an unrealistic expectation would be to hope that I could turn into an eagle and fly above the mountains, or go back 100 years in time. These things are never going to happen. But to hope for something that may seem impossible merely because they seem beyond human abilities of emotional and physical strength is not a bad thing. The magnitude of what one person can do with simple determination and will power is often seen as a miracle, yet they do happen.

My personal concerns are that some things I am hoping for are perhaps beyond my reach. By hoping for particular things that I want to happen and feel in my heart should happen, I fear that I may be paralyzing my future to other events that may benefit me more than what I am hoping for. Sometimes what I think is best for me, isn't really best at all, and there are better things waiting for me that I don't know about or recognize. I am worried that I may not see the forest for the trees, because my mind, my hopes, and my dreams have given me tunnel vision.

How do I find a balance? How can I set goals for the future with hopes of accomplishing them, and yet be open and aware enough to recognize other beneficial opportunities around me? Hope is an action word, so I can't just lay back and "hope" everything works out for the best. Hope involves setting goals and taking action to reach those goals. I just noticed that the pen I am writing my rough copy for this entry says, "Trust in Allah, but tie up your camel". A funny saying, but one with great meaning. I can't hope to have a safe trip, and then drive at a very high speed. I can't hope to be healthy, and then eat fast food every day.

Hope and goals go hand in hand. I can have a goal, hope to accomplish it, and then do what I can to achieve that goal. It doesn't mean that I for sure will succeed, but at least I have taken what steps I can to get results. There are so many underlying factors to the end result of our hopes, dreams and goals. One in particular is the factor of those around us. We can't always change what others think and do, and feel. Sometimes we have to find a way to work around that. Sometimes we just can't.

I had hoped that by writing this and putting my thoughts together, that I would find some answers, but my hope has failed me. How can I hope for things in the future, but recognize and be prepared for an alternative. I suppose by going one day at a time. Plan, and prepare for what I am hoping for, set goals pertaining to that, remain positive, and then do all that I can to succeed. I can try to not let my vision be tunneled, and accept what is to be, as long as I have confirmation that I no longer have control over the situation. One day at a time. That's it. If the world was without hope, it would be a world without dreams, and a world without dreams would be like a world without color.

Traditions

2009-12-25T12:08:00.000-08:00

It's not yet dawn, and here I sit cuddled on the couch with my trusted cat on my lap and my loyal dog on the floor beside me. In the quiet darkness, the lights glow on the christmas tree and in the Dickens village. Celine Dion is belting out 'Oh Holy Night' at a low volume level in the background. The kids are not yet up. Gone are the days of them getting up at the crack of dawn to see what Santa brought. It's peaceful, as life should be. This is my most ever favorite day of the year. It's the day that the whole town sleeps. No stores are open, and everything is quiet, and peaceful. People make an effort to be with family and friends, and tighten bonds.

Our christmas is full of traditions, and it starts with decorating the house the first week in December. The kids all come over, along with their friend Larry, and this year, another friend who is by herself, joined us as well. After putting up the tree and decorating the house, we made crafts; snowmen made out of tongue depressors. Well, some of them couldn't really be called snowmen. One of them was an Irish man made with a green hat and white pom pom. One was wearing a bikini and flippers, and more than one was made in the image of family members.

Our christmas tree isn't one of those color coordinated ones with fancy balls and shiny tinsel. In fact it's hard to spot a commercially made ornament on the tree. Everything is hand made...by myself or the kids over the years. We don't call it a christmas tree anymore. It's our memory tree. When we set it up each year, the memories of my children's childhood, and recent years passed all come flooding back. We have memories from the angel with the broken wing made from a tiny ceramic pot, and the "poo" Santa ornament that my son painted completely brown when he was about 4 years old. Somehow we ended up with a $500 monopoly bill that gets tucked behind the angels hymnbook every year the tree is up. (My son in law's weird sense of humor) The is angel made from a toilet roll, nylon stocking and wool, but stands at the top of our tree proudly every year. I suggest every year about getting new decorations for the tree, but the kids protest at the very thought of it. So although it certainly wouldn't win any awards for being a beautiful tree, it has it's value. It holds many memories. Memories of days past, of love, of laughter, of traditions, and of family.

This is what my oldest daughter is trying to start with her family. The tongue depressor snow men are the start of her own memory tree. The laughter and nostalgia that getting together to make them brings, will be talked about every year that they are pulled from the storage box.

We had just as many laughs doing our christmas baking. I am grateful for an 18 year old son who would rather bake cookies and squares with his sister and his mom, than hang out on the computer. Shaping and icing sugar cookies gives lots of opportunity for creativity beyond the usual christmas stars and trees. LOL!!

Last night we followed tradition of having our christmas dinner on christmas eve. This leaves lots of time on christmas day for laying around in our jammies and relaxing together instead of being tied up in the kitchen. Last night there were three of my kids, my son in law, our friend Larry, myself, and my friend Tim. We filled our bellies, then played cards till late. We had an added surprise to the night when my boosum friend Brenda and her boyfriend Dennis stopped by. Never a dull moment, and nonstop laughter. These are the times we like best!

I have two presents this year. My family is not in an abundance of wealth, but who cares? We are abundantly filled with the spirit of christmas. We already have everything that is most important to us. No gift could ever match up to the value of my family in my life. The only one thing that I wish I had gotten this year was to have my youngest daughter and her family here with us. I feel bad that she is missing out on our family fun times together. We did however, get to spread our christmas cheer together and express our love over the phone.

Family gatherings, friendships, traditions, laughter, memories, old and new, strong bonds. These are where my thoughts are this christmas. In these areas of my life I am richly blessed. Nothing else is more important to me, nothing else fulfills my life more.

Merry Christmas to everyone, and may your holidays be filled with fun times and laughter as well, and all the things you enjoy!

Fellowship of the Unashamed...from memory

2009-12-22T15:25:00.000-08:00

I am part of the Fellowship of the unashamed. The dye has been cast. I have stepped over the line. I won't look back, let up, slow down or be still. My past is redeemed, my present makes sense, and my future is secure.

I don't have to be right, first, recognized, praised, regarded or rewarded. My road is narrow, my way is rough, my companions are few, my guide is reliable, my mission is clear. I cannot be bought, compromised, detoured, lured away, divided or delayed.

I will not flinch in the face of sacrifice, hesitate in the presence of the adversary, negotiate at the table of the enemy, or meander in the maze of mediocrity. I won't give up, shut up, or let up, until I have stored up, stayed up and paid up for the cause of Christ. And when He returns for His own, He will have no problem recognizing me. My banner will be clear.

158 words

Me? Negative?

2009-12-06T10:24:00.000-08:00

I am quite undecided as to whether or not I should write this post. The thoughts are good for my personal journal, but not really something that is easy to put out for the whole world to read. It's personal and it's hard to put out newfound qualities of the "real me". Especially when they aren't good ones. But I have decided to post it anyways. I can always delete it in a week or so.

After my black belt class last week, and writing my journal about it, I have searched my thoughts as to why I acted the way I did, and it has really bothered me that I did act that way. Then one day this past week, while talking to a friend, and recent boss about my son, my friend asked me, "is Curtis at all like his mom in the way that he doesn't take well to having to do things that he doesn't want to?" I chuckled, and my friend chuckled along with me, but I couldn't stop thinking about that statement all day, and every day since. When I put that statement together with my reaction to the kung fu class just over a week ago, I really didn't like what I saw. Perhaps I did know it all along, but just haven't really admitted it. But here it was staring me right in the face, and I had no choice but to see it, and admit it. I hate doing things I don't want to do.

That statement makes me sound like some kind of spoiled brat, but I don't see it at all that way. I see it as quite the opposite. All my life, since as far back as I can remember, I have had to do things I didn't want to. Either I was under the control of someone else's addictions, or under control of someone because they wanted me to be, or I was under the control of them because all I wanted to do was please them, and gain approval. Those days are over for me, and perhaps to the extreme.

In life, we all have to do things we don't want to. There are a lot of thorns in this world of roses, and I realize that. I don't like having to work two jobs, but I have to in order to stay alive and care for my children. But somehow that's different for me. Perhaps because it's MY choice to take on those responsibilities. But if I have to spar in a kung fu class, for example, and I really don't want to, that's me doing something I don't want to do, because someone else is telling me I have to. That's when I have attitude. When I get an attitude, I get negative, and the whole world seems to fall apart for me. Suddenly I hate the world, I hate God, and I don't like myself very much either. I get internally angry, not just at having to do what I don't want to, but at myself for feeling the way I do.

There is a positive flip side to all this. Now that the real me has shown it's face and I see it more clearly, I have taken steps to fix it. When I get called to do something I don't want, or I am in a situation I don't appreciate, I make a choice to accept it, and push my negative feelings aside. It sounds kind of corny and perhaps a bit surreal, but deciding to choose a positive attitude over a negative one is very easy...now that I see things for what they really are. I don't just "let go", so-to-speak, and allow my emotions to take over without any thought of what is happening. I choose a positive attitude over a negative one. Another corny statement...it feels great! A negative attitude really does affect a lot of areas of our minds and body, including our physical health. There is a strong connection between mind and body that even scientists can't fully comprehend.

I have never been one to get angry, cranky, or have a temper. People often ask me why I am so happy all the time. At work they comment that I "am far too happy, especially for first thing in the morning". I am proud of that and the fact that I can be a positive leader amongst my peers. So when my sometimes negative attitude got thrown in my face, I knew I had to change it, and I did. I have so much to be thankful for, and I know there are people in worse situations than myself. If nothing else, I have my children, and they are healthy and safe. That alone is every reason to keep smilin, and stay positive.

The Snowball of Negativity Melted by the Heat of Excitement

2009-11-29T16:33:00.000-08:00

Several factors played a part in my wanting to skip kung fu Friday night: 1. I've had an exhausting week and to head out in the cold for a 7:30 class seemed more than I had the energy for; 2. To add to that, I was up to midnight the night before, due to my climbing course and then up for work at 3a.m.; 3. I had my in-laws coming from Calgary; 4. There was an outing planned with my friends. In my mind, all reasonable reasons to skip class.

But then the highway was closed due to an accident and my in-laws had to turn around and go home and try to come the next day. Plans fell through with my friends and I managed to sneak in a small snooze. I had run out of excuses.

As the class started, we ended up with only six people due to a UBBT meeting. My negativity began to sneak in. What will we do with only six people? That feeling snowballed when Sifu told us to gear up for sparring. I do not enjoy sparring. I began to feel that I should have stayed home. This was my feelings at the beginning of class as unreasonable and negative as they were. Despite all this, I left class feeling fantastic and utterly pumped with excitement!

We started class off with just sparring drills and I was comfortable with that. It allowed me to ease into the sparring dissolving some of my fear, building a small bit of confidence, thus calming my emotions. After some time on drills, we sparred. I really enjoyed it. I had never worked with Sifu Kelsey Simpson before and I enjoyed having the opportunity that night. Her cheerful disposition really helped to set me at ease.

I got hit in the face, more than once, which I really don’t like and I received a lump on my shin but none of that seemed to matter. I had a great class. I learned some sparring skills, to know a black belt better and worked up a sweat. When I left the house for class, I decided that if I was going to go, I hoped that we would work hard because I had not made it to the gym that day. I got my wish. I came home soaked, and full of adrenaline that comes from a good workout.

The real lesson for me had nothing to do with kung fu. I learned how easy my negativity can get the best of me. It showed me that no matter how desperate and challenging an experience you may be expecting, with the right attitude, you can make it whatever you want to whether that be good or bad. While I was using the excuse of not having enough energy to make it to kung fu, I was putting what little energy I did have into a wrong outlet - of negativity.

Keep On Pushin'

2009-11-22T09:13:00.000-08:00

I have been going pretty strong to finish up my requirements for the UBBT. I have been determined to complete as many of the requirements as possible. Then....wham! What happened? I don't understand how I could change my way of thinking so quickly.

I have had some problems with aches and pains that make working out a bit tougher than usual. I told myself not to worry, they would eventually go away, and I would feel back to my usual self. But that didn't happen, and still hasn't happened. The worst of it is the back of my right knee and my shoulders. I have had chronic problems with my shoulders anyways, but the discomfort was moving into the armpit and chest area. I've also had issues with my left ankle from a climbing incident, that isn't too bad until I try to do my forms, or drive the lift equipment at work that requires me to stand up. Both of these requiring the use of muscles in the ankle for balance.

I've talked to a few people this week about getting myself behind in abs and push ups. Because of this, I have had to do a lot of them every day. Three times last week, I had people say to me, "is it really worth it?" "Is it really that important to complete the requirements?" I don't know why or how I did it, but I managed to let this kind of thinking sink into my own. The world isn't going to end if I don't complete all my push ups and ab work. That, along with my aches and pains, gave me good reason, or so I let myself begin to believe, to slack off on what I needed to do to complete my requirements. I slacked off for about 3 days and then snapped out of it. I realized that yes, it really is that important. Maybe not to the rest of the world, but to me, it is. I have been determined to finish the required amount of push ups and sit ups, and I still should be. I don't want to give up. I am not doing this for anyone else but myself. The rest of the world will not change if I do 39,000 push ups, or 29,000. But I will, and slacking off for 3 days has only gotten me one thing...further behind.

So I may, or may not do as many push ups as required, but I am not going to give up without a fight, so to speak. I can't just abandon my determination. I pushed myself this far, and we are too close to the end to give up. I started to get back on track yesterday, although I have modified some of my push ups to being on my knees or on the wall, but I am doing them. This way, I can work hard on what I need to do, and take care of my body at the same time. I have never been a quitter, and I don't intend to start now.

I'm Falling and...and I can get up.

2009-11-16T08:27:00.000-08:00

(sorry, I can't figure out how to rotate this yet)

Well, it finally happened. The class I have been dreading for months now; climbing course, class #8. Falling. We had to learn the technique of falling for a kind of climbing called "lead climbing". This is a closer assimilation to climbing outdoors with all the clips and gadgets. When the two young instructors demonstrated it the previous week, it didn't really look that bad. They made it look so easy and fearless. Still, the closer we got to the climbing gym, the more butterflies I got in my stomach. There had been a lot of hype about this falling stuff and all the students in the class were kind of freaking out about it.

After a quick demonstration of how to position our body during a fall, it came time for us, the students, to give it a try. More butterflies. I sat on the arm of the couch, next to my friend Tim. Tim isn't in the class, but he comes along every week to climb on his own. This week, I needed him there for moral support. He's done this before.

We all took turns, and I waited to go last. Partly due to procrastination, but also because I wanted to observe the others and learn the do's and don'ts. One of my classmates climbed to the top, and attempted her fall. The proper technique is to bend your arms and legs, in "frog" position, then "simply" (ha ha) let go. My classmate pushed off the wall a bit aggressively with her arms only, and ended up falling head first. Seeing her suspended above ground with her feet towards the ceiling, did not help my anxieties one little bit. One of the women in my group started telling me how one of the staff at the gym broke her ankle doing this very fall that we were doing. GREAT!! With one more classmate to go before it came to my turn, Tim was constantly reassuring me I could do it. "No worries". Still, I could feel my emotions well up and my stomach was in terrible shape.

My turn. I had to climb to the top while clipping in to the bolted carabiners along the way, fall, climb to the top again, fall, and then repeat it a third time. With his last words of encouragement, Tim left to video tape my fall from upstairs, overlooking the tower.

The climb up was no big deal. What was really difficult, was clinging to the top of the tower, looking down and seeing the last clip I was attached to, below me. That left me feeling so incredibly insecure. I was used to climbing "top rope", in which you are attached at the top of you climb. When you fall or let go, you only swing away from the wall, not down. Here I was, attached from the bottom up. Letting go of the wall, definitely meant falling. The one thing I did have going for me was that I truly trusted my instructor on the other end of the rope. He would insure that I didn't fall all the way to the floor. I knew that. I just didn't trust myself to do the technique of falling properly. So many thoughts going through my head. "What if I get hurt? I won't be able to finish the UBBT, and it's so close to the end." "If I get hurt, I can't go to work". Another lady in our group said, "we are just too old for this stuff". I was starting to agree with her.

I tried to get my head on straight. I told myself over and over again, "don't grab the rope". "Keep your torso tall". "Arms and legs bent". Trust, focus, believe, do. I knew that if I hesitated for even a second, I may never do it. So, when my instructor counted down, 3, 2, 1, I just...let go. No hesitation. Although I did push off a bit more aggressive than I needed to, my fall went as it should have. So I had to climb back up and do it again. It was still a bit scary, but at least I knew what to expect. I knew what it would feel like to fall. On my second fall, I did somehow manage to get my left foot caught against one of the clips as I came down, and it turned me slightly on the wall. My ankle has been hurting just a bit because of it, but nothing major.

Trust is incredibly important when doing this kind of a climb. You have to have total trust in the belayer, the person at the bottom who is also attached to the rope. As the belayer, you too have specific techniques to follow. If you release your brake hand, even for a second, and your climber falls, they hit the ground. If you keep the rope too tight and the climber falls, they suffer from a serious jarring. Too much slack in the rope and the climber falls much further than necessary, possibly to the ground. As a belayer, you have to stand with one foot forward, as in a bow stance. When you notice the climber begin to fall, you have to step forward with the lead leg as you thrust your back knee way up as if kneeing someone in the chin, let go of the rope with your left hand thrusting it up to the climber, and hang on tight with your break hand (right). As a climber, you have to trust that your belayer will follow all these rules and save you from a fall. You also have to have trust in the equipment, and, you have to trust yourself.

This was our next step: we had to change roles and be the belayer. As we partnered up to do this, of course it meant that one of us would have to fall again. Just like before, the climber had to climb up and fall, again, three times in a row. I could feel my emotions get a little out of control at having to do this again. I was not yet comfortable with it. I just kept real quiet, almost withdrawn, as I tried to focus on what I had to do. As it turned out, this wall that we were climbing on, was much easier to fall on than the tower. It wasn't really all that bad, yet still, after my 3rd fall, I was so relieved I didn't have to do it again.

My last climb of the night required just focusing on the climb as my partner worked on her belaying skills. I had to put all my trust in this person, who is somewhat a stranger to me. That was tough. It was a tough climb as well, as it required somewhat hanging upside down as some of the last clips dangled from the ceiling. My forearms were so pumped from the climb, they were rock hard. My friend Tim, excited for my success of the climb, called me superwoman, but told others I was much too modest to ever admit it. ha ha Superwoman... no. Adventurous...most definitely!

The End Draws Near

2009-11-01T14:33:00.001-08:00

I should have known, but it was still a bit of a shock when Sifu Brinker announced that there are only 8 weeks left of the UBBT 6. Eight weeks!? Wow! Where did the last year go? I rushed home and got all my numbers together to see where I stood in my own personal requirements. Some are good, some great, and some...well, not so great, and some...absolutely terrible.

I am behind in my pushups, but it is not yet a lost cause. I should still be able to catch up. I'm not as far along with my biking/walking as I thought I was. I actually thought for sure that I was finished and going just that "extra km". Not so, but I am close. I shouldn't have any trouble reaching my 2,000km goal.

I plan to finish my 300 repetitions of kempo this week. I am only 13 reps away. I feel that I made this requirement a bit too easy, and it didn't really take a whole lot of effort to reach 300. I plan to continue to do kempo right up through the next 8 weeks.

I have completed 8 written assignments about my personal accomplishments. I guess I need to get busy and accomplish something else in the next 2 months. But what.....? As far as my written assignments on heroes, I am only 1/2 done. I love to write, so once I choose my heroes, it won't be tough to do the written part. I just need to sit down and ponder on the heroes in my life and who has made a large influence on this personal journey of mine, or in the lives of others.

I am quite pleased with the acts of kindness. I think of this every day and it isn't hard at all to reach out to others at least 3 times a day. I know that my community is much more aware of doing acts of kindness now than they were before I first started this assignment. People at church and work talk about it all the time. Service plays a large part in my church community and people are constantly doing things to help others.

I am happy to say that I have completed my requirement of meditating for 30 minutes a week. Once I got into a routine of doing at least 5 minutes of meditation every night before bed, it became easy to reach 30 minutes a week. I believe strongly that meditation is a very important part of my daily health.

I haven't memorized my poem yet, but I have found one that I want to focus on. It shouldn't take too much to memorize it.

My big downfalls are sparring and Ju jitzu. I only have 2 hours of ju jitzu which is a long ways from 30. And 23 rounds of sparring is even further away from my goal of 300. So it all comes down to do or die. Or...die doing, in order to finish all my requirements in the next 8 weeks. I don't want to give up or give in. Even if I know I will never complete a particular requirement, I will still work on it and get as close to my goal as I can. I have never been a quiter, and I don't intend to be one now.

Can You Feel It?

2009-10-25T18:38:00.000-07:00

I have been driving the fork lift and reach truck at work now for several months. I remember the day when my boss was first teaching me to drive them. I was so terrified. Now, I take any opportunity I can to drive them. When I was learning, I remember my boss saying that he doesn't have to look back anymore when he is backing up in an aisle. He said that he can just "feel" where stuff is behind him. Wow!! I thought that must be so cool. I wondered how in the world could he do that. How do you feel an object? Sounds a little skeptical to me.

Last week I understood and came to believe what he said. I have been driving the lift equipment quite regularly at work lately as I try to help pick up the slack in areas of the store that are missing a lot of staff. Much of my work has been outside where there is lots of room, but quite a bit has been inside as well. I work in aisles that are about 8 feet wide. Some of the products on the shelves are very breakable like floor tiles, or mirrors. I have to maneuver a large square pallet full of product in these aisles and put them up on shelves 16 feet up. In some cases I have to take down the product. Eight feet may seem like a lot, but when on a reach truck or fork lift, it really isn't. There is a lot of back and forth to get the right angle, and make it smooth. I am not sure how long I have been doing this, but one day last week, I suddenly realized that I wasn't looking behind to see how close I was to product on the shelves. I simply could "feel" where the product was and how close I was to it. It was so totally cool. I was awe struck that what my boss had told me months earlier was actually true. You could feel things that you could not see. This is important because when you have a pallet 16 feet in the air and are trying to put it into a small tight area on the overhead, you like to keep your eyes on it. I even tested myself on this feeling thing. I would back up until I could feel that it was enough, and then look behind me to see how close I was to the shelves behind me. I was always about and inch or two away. Wow!

Of course my martial arts brain puts this into the area of fighting. Flashbacks of 'The Last Samaria' come flooding my mind. (I love that movie). Sometimes in the movies we see fighting scenes where the person fighting can feel the presence of an opponent. I always thought that to be foney baloney. Not anymore. I would bet that with a serious amount of faithful continual, hard training, a person would be able to acquire the talent of "feeling" what they cannot see. Imagine the benefits of this in a combative situation. Especially with more than one opponent. Oh, the possibilities!

I still marvel at this and the thought comes to my mind several times a day. Feeling what you cannot see. It's impossible to describe such a feeling, other than to say that there is just some kind of presence close by that wasn't there before. I wonder if this feeling is similar for people that devote their lives to God. They always feel Him close by, even though they cannot see Him. They feel his presence, as if He was physically close by. Very cool.

The unseen illness

2009-10-08T08:29:00.000-07:00

With so much talk about mental awareness week, I can't help but constantly think of my friends that I worked with a couple of years ago. I was a teacher's assistant for special needs kids. From my studies at college I learned a lot about Downs Sydrome, Depression, Cerebral Palsy, MS, Fetal Alcohol Syndrome, and many other challenges some kids have. Some of these for the most part, are a physical disability, until you add in the emotional abuse that these kids go through because of being treated "different". I understand that we sometimes don't really know how to react to someone with a disability, but it really is rather simple. Treat them, and especially...talk to them, as you would anyone else. That's what they want, and what they need.

I worked with a lot of kids with the disabilities explained above, but what was the most rewarding in my time as a teacher's assistant, was working with kids that seemed on the outside, to have no disabilities once so ever. These were kids that were struggling at home with either a parent that was addicted to cocaine, or one that was in jail for murder, or who's parents just weren't around because they worked the streets, or nightclubs all night, and then slept all day. Some of these kids suffered from the effects of long term physical, sexual, or emotional abuse.

These kids suffered so much by simply being unloved and uncared for. We may not see that as a clinical mental illness, but imagine for one minute how living in those kind of conditions as a child, would affect you. Some of these kids were scared of affection, yet some of them craved it. They had to learn appropriate discipline at school because either they had none at home, or what they did have was severe. They had to be taught about healthy living, healthy eating, and healthy loving. Hence the name of the program these kids were in, was called 'The Positive Development Program'

Working with these kids was not always a bed of roses. Aging from 9 to 14 years old, there were many issues to deal with daily. We had to teach them how to manage frustration and anger, how to focus and learn, how to get along in a group situation, and work together. They also had to learn right from wrong, and how to accept healthy discipline. It was not always easy, but it certainly was always worth it. Just seeing the smile on their face when I told them how proud I was of the work they had done, or the content in their heart by a simple hug, or the giggles they shared when I took the time to play a game with them. Those wonderful kids made every day worth waking up for. My work with them was the most rewarding I have experienced. I felt I made a difference in the lives of those who needed it most. Myself and the others involved gave to these kids what they never received at home; love, affection, respect, and a positive healthy atmosphere where they could feel safe and secure. It was ALWAYS worth it!

This is why I am a firm believer that it "takes a village to raise a child". It is so much easier to just keep our love, affection and respect for those in the walls of our own home, and not worry about any others. It may be easy, but it is not our only purpose as adults to look out for those we are close to. It is up to us to make sure that our children, our neighbors children, and our communities children are all cared for.

Raising our communities children is as easy as saying hello to them when they pass by. I know how the respect and affection towards a child can be the one thing that leads them into a positive direction of their life, even when that respect and affection doesn't always come from home. Have one small, rather short conversation with a child and in those few small moments you have given them a sense of worth, by letting them know that someone is actually interested in what they have to say, and that what they have to say is actually important. Show a child affection and it simply tells them that they are worthy of that affection. Give a child respect, and it teaches them how to respect others and themselves.

So much of what we learn and how we mold into adults is brought about by what we receive through others. It's not just what we receive through example, but also what we receive in the form of emotional support, that comes from the actions of others towards us. I have been in an unsafe home as a child, and I know the pain it can cause. I also know that it only takes one person to change the life of another for the better. When I realize the effects of one adult on a child, it makes me understand the magnitude of many adults in the life of a child. Kind words and actions from a community of loving adults can help build a child up to their full potential as a human being. Imagine a community full of children with a attitude of self worth, confidence, respect, and love for others.

I think it's easy for people to interact with children that we perceive as being "good". I also think that it is usually the kids getting into trouble that need us the most. I find it easy to empathize with the children out there that go through daily bouts of physical, sexual and emotional abuse at the hands of others. We may never see it, but it's there. We can't pick and choose which child or even adults for that matter, that need our example of respect and sincere concern. I feel it is necessary to show it always, to everyone. It only takes one person to redirect the life of another. One person can work miracles.

heroes

2009-09-20T19:05:00.001-07:00

When I asked my daughter what a hero was to her, she replied that they were someone who is a role model. When I asked my son, he said a hero is someone who is self sacrificing. The definition of a hero seems to change with the context of time, and it is very individual. I agree with my children, but would also like to add my own thoughts on the subject.

The first thing I think of when I think of a hero, is someone who has beaten the odds. That doesn't mean a person who wins the lottery is a hero. They are just lucky...REAL LUCKY! They simply beat the odds by sheer luck, without the use of any sense of character. A person who loses a leg to cancer and goes on to run across the country to raise money and awareness is truly a hero to me. They have beaten the odds by the use of strength, endurance, sacrifice, will power, discipline and the power of positive thought. All those things coming from personal character. A hero is one who faces and overcomes adversity and sometimes danger, from a position of weakness.

As my daughter says, people with this strong sense of character and integrity become role models and superb examples to others. They are people that we look up to and strive to follow, and we gain our own strengths by leaning on theirs. Through their actions, we receive strength to go on when faced with our own trials. Heroes are those that define courage and nobility, and blaze the trail for generations to come. It's important to mention here that showing courage does not always happen without fear. Harder still, a hero goes forward knowing that they are afraid, but does so anyways.

Ask a child what is a hero, and they will probably relay examples of fantasy figures; Zorro, Batman, Hercules. Children become very interested in legendary and fantasy figures because of the trials they overcome. Their heroes endure hardships, setbacks by villains, and dangers. They save one or many from worldly challenges through their actions of courage and selflessness. Heroes teach adults and children alike valuable lessons. To all of us, heroes are those that make a difference in the world, and leave a positive affect on us.

To me, heroes are defined not only by large selfless acts, but small ones too. Heroes are defined differently by everyone. A hero to one may be the lifeguard that saved their life while they were drowning. It could be the bus driver that drives your child to school, or a son or daughter fighting over in Afghanistan. It is easy to acknowledge and remember some heroes years and even generations after they are gone: Joan of Arc, Terry Fox, Martin Luther King, or George Washington. But we also need to realize that people are doing heroic acts all the time, every day, all over the world. People in impoverished countries striving to survive, and others caring for orphans in war torn countries, as well as those living with a terminal illness are in some ways, a hero to me. We rarely hear stories of these so called "small time heroes". If we do, it is only for a couple of days, and then we forget them. Aris Espinosa, for example was a 13 year old boy who died on Jan 30, 1994, after throwing his own body on top of a live grenade that was about to take the lives of his friends. Liz McCartney, who began a non profit organization that has rebuilt 120 homes for victims of Hurricane Katrina was another. Scott Silverman developed Second Chance, another non profit organization to help train and place people in jobs with the appropriate mental health support. These people are all examples of heroes making sacrifices and going forward with selflessness to better the lives of others.

Andy Rooney says that in war times there are ample opportunities to be a hero, but there isn't in times of peace. I disagree according to my own definition of what it takes to be a hero. The UBBT gives us a great opportunity to become heroes to someone every day. Through the numerous acts of kindness we lend a helping hand to others on a daily basis. I know of a man who was thinking about committing suicide, but because of a caring smile and a simple "how are you", given to him, decided that life was still worth living.

Whether we are young or old, somebody of high importance in a leadership position, or an ordinary citizen, we can all be a hero in our own way. Through selfless acts we can help others and do good deeds without expectations of payback or recognition. We can do it because it is the right thing to do and we're happy doing it.

To all those out there reading this and doing your own acts of heroism, whether large or small, I salute you. Together we can make a difference in our homes, our communities and in the world.

Child's Play

2009-09-10T12:22:00.000-07:00

Had an awesome long weekend! I went camping with my 2 oldest girls. One is 24 and the other 22. We got off to a bit of a bad start, or so I had thought. Apparently I was totally wrong about that.

As we got to the campsite, it was pouring rain. We debated sitting in the car a while to see if it would let up. but soon realised it wasn't about to. It was already past 6:00 and so we decided to bite the bullet and put the tent up in the rain. We would deal with it. So we started putting up the tent and it wasn't long before all 3 of us were soaked to the skin. Being the couple of goof balls that my girls are, (kind of like their mom), it wasn't long before they were laughing their heads off. They were having so much fun and laughing so hard that evey bit of muscle control had vanished from their bodies. They were rendered "useless". They definately were no use in helping me put up the tent. They were both absorbed in having too much fun!

As the tent got wetter, my patience got thinner. I am not one to get angry, but I was getting annoyed, and told the girls that we had to get the tent up so we could get the fly on, or we would be sleeping in puddles. Like a blast from the past my oldest daughter turned to me and said, "oh mom, we're just trying to be positive and make the most of the situation. It isn't really that bad". Ouch! Where have I heard that before? She was right, and I quickly realised that. Now, when I look at all the many pictures that she took at the time, we all laugh at what a bunch of drown rats we were. One of my families often used phrases; "it's an adventure". And that it was. We got the tent up, the fly on, and beds all made up without anyone sleeping in puddles. In fact, aside from the outside of the tent, everything remained very dry. An adventure. And a good lesson relearned.

It was a great time of bonding with my girls. We are all very close, and having this time together was a true blessing. We laughed, played, talked, got silly, walked the sandy beach in reverence, and we did lots of "frolicking" along the beach as well. We collected rocks, and shells, and discovered many cool pieces of driftwood. We made memories. Good memories. We took advantage of the moment, every one of them.

Summer 2009

2009-08-23T13:52:00.000-07:00

I love the mountains! In the mountains, I feel more like my real self than in any other time in my life. At home in the city, life sometimes seems like a bunch of puzzle pieces that I am always trying to fit together. In the mountains, everything fits perfectly. I am whole. I am at peace.

Prioritize

2009-08-19T12:53:00.000-07:00

Just when I think my life is so great and orderly, I come to the reality that it isn't. I suppose that isn't exactly true. My life is orderly, but my thoughts and ideas are not. I was sure that my priorities were all in order the way they should be, but I am feeling like I have to rethink them. I struggle a lot lately about where my kung fu training fits into my life and where my religion does as well. What are my beliefs about both?

Over the last several months, I have put a particular element of my life as a top priority and tried to force things to happen that I wanted to happen...that I thought I needed to happen. So far they haven't happened. My daughter tells me I try too hard and need to focus on other things and just let everything else "naturally" fall into place when the time is right. Pretty good advise for a 22 year old. I have given it a lot of thought and am going to try hard to direct my focus in other areas and see what the future brings with it. Kung fu of course is one of those areas. I make no promises to myself other than to give it a good positive effort.

2009-08-13T15:36:00.000-07:00

Well, it has been a busy summer, but I am happy to say it has been a busy summer doing things I enjoy doing. I was away backpacking for three days, and then my family was here visiting from B.C. The day they left, I left to go backpacking again for 5 days. Needless to say, I am almost 2 weeks behind on my situps and pushups. I was not at all consistent in doing them daily. (oopsies) I am not worried though because I have always done extra, even if it was only 10 or 20. Some days I doubled them. This way it is nice to be able to miss without getting all freaked out about it. No stress...aaaggggghhhhh.

I am not exactly sure where I stand with my requirements, but soon will have a birds eye view. My daughter set me up with a program on the computer that will help me know what my numbers are, every time I enter something. I have started entering in all the information, but there is a lot. I should have started with it sooner, but better now than having to add it all up at the end, or do it manually.

I know I am ahead or perhaps even close to finishing my biking/walking/running requirements. On the other hand, I know I will not be able to complete my sparring requirements without some serious dedication and catch up. I have no doubts about that. I am not a fan of sparring. That is why I made it a requirement. What was I thinking??!!

I am looking forward to getting the actual numbers all in and seeing just where I am exactly. I am pretty sure I won't be dissappointed with most of them. I feel pretty good about what I have done so far, and how well I have kept up with everything. Plus, seeing the places where I am lacking a little, will give me the push I need to GET BUSY!

Miraculous!!

2009-07-31T15:15:00.000-07:00

Do wonders never cease. I have had this sciatic problem for over a month now and have been getting quite worried because it wasn't getting better. Life becomes difficult when you are in pain all the time. My activities were disrupted and I was really getting concerned about completing my UBBT requirements. My sympathy goes out to all those people out there who live with pain every day, all the time.

I have already missed one of my backpacking trips due to this back issue, and was determined not to let it ruin another one. I live for summer and being able to get outdoors, so when it came time for my backpacking trip this past weekend, I went. I made the decision to go out into the mountains for three days carrying a 50 LB pack, while suffering from a herniated disk in my back. Call it stupid, determination, or mere desperation to get out in the wilderness, but I am now calling it "miraculous."

My sciatic problem is all but gone. Just a small bit of discomfort in my leg once in awhile, but otherwise, I feel no pain at all. When we left on Thurs I was in a lot of pain, and not sure what the outcome of the weekend would bring, but when we got home Sunday evening about 8:30, I felt great. Well, as far as my sciatica was concerned. After a 4 hour drive home, we both got out of the truck feeling, and acting for the first few steps, as if we were a couple of 90 year olds. ha ha The descent had taken it's toll on my arthritic hips, and my calves were as tight as climbing knots. But WOW! In a triumphant, I did it sort of way, it felt awesome! Three days later, I'm feeling like my old self again.

The first day, Friday, we hiked in just under 20 km. We saw amazing scenery, and the solitude and serenity was out of this world! My terrifying fears of bears was met with an encounter on our first night at camp as we went down to the water to prepare for supper. A little black bear amongst the thick brush stood up on his hind legs to check us out, as we checked him out. I guess he didn't like what he saw, because he tucked his tail and ran. That experience did calm my fears in a way that I witnessed what they all say: "they are more afraid of us than we are of them."

The next day we hiked further in for another 9 km. We had gained 3640 ft in elevation in total. Again, B. E. A. utiful scenery. Lots of meadows, streams, lakes, and in some areas very thick brush. Some of the spruce and fir in the area are 250 years old. It was absolute peace at it's best. As usual I did not want to return home, but the next day, we hiked out, and back into reality.

This hike was very intense and demanded a lot physically. Looking back, if I had known what was ahead for the hike, I wouldn't have been sure that I could do it, but I did, and what a feeling that is. The feeling of accomplishment, and knowing that I have the determination and physical ability to go where we went and endure what we did, makes me feel very good about myself. We are off again next Wednesday for 5 days this time and I can't wait.

What has Kung fu done for me? Without it, I wouldn't be going on trips like this. I wouldn't have what it takes. I know that for sure. My life would lack these type of experiences of getting out and enjoying complete simplicity and calmness. My friend and I are booked for the West Coast Trail next August. I know we can do it. I should be able to do it. I am a Silent River Kung Fu black belt. There shouldn't be any doubt.

Wrenches and Rules

2009-07-18T06:11:00.000-07:00

I have always been one to end my day with thoughts of all the things I am grateful for. Understanding how quickly things can change and be taken away from me, I don't like to take anything for granted. Some of the stuff at the top of my "grateful list" are the safety of my kids, a day without tragedy of accident, major illness or life threatening disease, my own health and having the ability to do the activities that I enjoy doing, my job, my home, and more recently...my bike.

Still, when a wrench get tossed into my daily routine of life, being grateful doesn't really make the pain go away. I am still very grateful for what I do have and know that things could be worse. "I once was upset because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet". I had that experience this week. Having sciatic problems in my leg is very painful, but when I ran into a guy at work that has MS, and has issues with just walking around, I put everything back into perspective. My situation will eventually get better, whether through my own doing, or surgery, or just time. My friends situation at work, will not improve, even with time or surgery of any kind. He will live with his MS for the rest of his life, and instead of get better, it will only worsen. There is no cure for him.

Being the independent and very active type of person that I have become over the years, I don't do well when I can't do what I want to do, and I especially don't handle it well when people or situations try to control me. Having a herniated disk pinching the sciatic nerve in my leg is doing just that. I can no longer go about my usual daily routines of life as I once could. I now have "rules". Can't do this, can't do that.

I have had this herniated disk for about a month now, and during that time, I have had a lot of people give advise as to what I should do, and things I have to avoid. Friends, doctors, chiropractors, and web sites I have visited. Desperate for relief of this painful situation, I tried everything. Over the last couple weeks, I have had days when I would start to feel a small hint of getting better. Then someone would say, "try this", followed by several testimonials of how it helped other people. I would try it and the next day be in worse pain than the day before. Three times this has happened to me, and three times I have had these setbacks. I have also either read through my research, or been told by someone, to sleep only on a firm mattress, nothing soft, don't sleep on your stomach, or lay on the side that hurts, no lifting, no leg stretching, take it easy, as well as stay active.

I woke up this morning with a decision to throw all that advise out the window and listen only to my body. I have slept on every bed and couch in the house to find relief, and the one that helps the most is my own bed. The softest, comfiest one in the house. So I am sticking to it. Laying on my stomach also makes me feel somewhat better when I am having a really painful day. Even laying on the side that hurts, sometimes helps. It seems to force the muscles in the leg to relax a bit instead of having free reign to be all tight and twitchy.

The only advise I will follow came from a close friend that is a doctor. "Find moderation and balance in being active and resting". This is good advise that does seems to help. I put it to good use first thing in the morning. I have to, no choice. I start work at 4 am. Mornings are the very worst for me and it takes some effort to get moving in the mornings. I brush my teeth, then have to lay down and wait for the wave of pain to pass. Get dressed laying down, do my hair, lay down, make up, (what little I wear), then again lay down. Needless to say, I have been late for work every day this week.

I do this type of alternation all through my day, but not quite so drastic. Once I get going, I loosen up a bit, and the pain is more tolerable. So, I start at 4 am, and when I get home for lunch at 9:00, I quickly make something to eat, and then lay down till I have to return to work. Immediately after work, I again come home and lay down for at least a couple hours. Get up, do some chores, prepare supper, then lay down. After that I am up for a while do my pushups and situps, and then shower and bed. I hate not being able to go non stop, but I have to "suck it up", as they say.

I have discovered that the worse things for me, are driving my car, and sitting, especially at the computer desk. I am grateful my son has a laptop, so I can half sit, half lay down on the futon with his laptop to do my journals. I am also grateful for my bike. It has become my most prize possession. I go everywhere on it, and don't drive my car unless I need to bring home something heavy like groceries, or absolutely have to go into the city. On days that I ride for over an hour at a time, I have my best days. So long bike rides will become part of my new daily routine. Doing kicks and a lot of twisting is not good, so for now, my kung fu training will be very limited, or adjusted. I am betting that now would be a good time to really polish up on my Tai Chi. Yoga is OK, if again, I adjust it and bend my knees.

I have always been grateful for my kung fu, and my yoga. Both have given me such an intense feel for self awareness. I think maybe this is one aspect of our training that people don't really see or notice the benefits of. It's there. It happens so gradual over a period of time, so may not be very noticeable, but I know for a fact that it is there. I know for a fact that it has been a great benefit to me. I know my body very well. That is why I have to do what works best for me. Just because something worked to cure someone else, doesn't mean it will work for me. By being attentive to what my body is telling me, I can do what is best to help cure it.

So, I have been thrown a monkey wrench to cause me to change my daily routine, and been given rules to make appropriate adjustments to those things I have always been able to do without even giving it a second thought. I don't like it, but am willing to live with it in order to get my health back to where it needs to be. It's my long term health that's important. Besides, I can't lose perspective of the fact that things could be a lot worse. Every day, I am grateful that they aren't.

The Why's of Life

2009-07-11T09:34:00.000-07:00

I believe Sifu Brinker has a gift for always being positive and uplifting, even when he is pretty annoyed. Even still, when I walked out of his office a couple weeks ago, I knew I had been reprimanded. Being late for my classes was irresponsible, and my attendance at the Friday night classes showed a lack of commitment.

We had a good conversation, and as always, Sifu Brinker reiterated as he often does, how important it is for me to learn to lean on my kung fu family for support and guidance. This has always been an issue with me. I don't feel that close to my fellow students and I know I should. And there is no way I feel I can ask for the help of any of them. I have thought a lot about these things since we talked, and pondered on why I feel the way I do. I often over analyze stuff, as I suppose I did in this case as well. Why? Why? Why?

I haven't come up with many answers, but just some things for me to think about. For starters, I don't feel I deserve that support from my fellow black belts. Why? Because I am not like them. Why? Because I don't make kung fu a priority. Why? Because I don't eat, sleep, drink, walk, and dream of kung fu as they do. Why? Because kung fu is not my only passion. . .

Is that the root of all this, or is it because of boredom, because I have been doing kung fu for so long that it doesn't mean the same to me as it did years ago? I don't know, but I am certain that I don't have that same eager, driven, can't get enough kung fu, feeling that I used to have. WHY???!!! Should I even worry about the why's, of just keep plugging along?

I don't go to any extra classes, except the ones I teach. I love that class, and I do feel connected with the students that are there. I feel a great sense of responsibility to open their minds and hearts, and physical bodies to the life of being a martial artist. But I don't attend the 2nd degree brown class, or the weapons class, and not always my black belt class. It all boils down to the fact that I don't make these things a priority, and it has done it's damage for certain. I am reaping the negative consequences.

Kung fu is not all that I enjoy doing. I love rock climbing, hiking, biking, and dancing. These things, along with my kids, are what have become my priorities. I am very passionate about all these things, and when I have the opportunity to participate in them, I will sacrifice my kung fu to do so. My dancing and social life with my single friends, is a top priority at this stage of my life. I live for the weekends when we get together. It is something that I never really have had up to now, and I am making the most of it. I also have been single for 9 years now, and it is important for me to get out and meet new people. If there is a get together Friday night, or the opportunity to go on a date, I go. I don't go to kung fu.

Although I feel guilty about my kung fu not being a priority, I also feel at peace with where my life is now. I can't say enough about how much I enjoy the dancing, and the rock climbing. The hiking is something that I can only do in the summer so I get in as much as I can. The same goes for the biking. I don't just get out for an enjoyable stroll. I bike in the mountains, or up very steep hills for an intense workout. This morning I started out at 7 am for a 90 minute bike ride. I can't do that in the winter.

Am I thinking all this to make myself feel better? It's always real easy to justify absolutely anything. Is that what I am doing? Justifying? Should I give up time with my other passions to put more into my kung fu? I have no answers. I just know that getting up at 3 am Monday to Friday, makes me want to make the most of my weekends. I guess I can say that I do what I "want" to do, instead of what I "should" do.

I am not one to judge others, but perhaps that is exactly what I am doing here. I feel that I am different because of my diverse variety of passions. Maybe that isn't true. Maybe my fellow classmates have other passions, but they still make kung fu a priority. It is this way of thinking that gets me into a rut. "I'm not as good as them because I don't train as hard, I don't attend my classes, I don't attend any activities outside of the kwoon, I don't write amazing journals, I'm not a good example to others." Because of all these things, I feel I do not deserve the support of my classmates. I don't even feel I deserve Sifu Brinkers time. Why should they put their time into me, when I don't put the time into my group training, into community events, or into helping with demos.

Where do I go from here? Again, no answers. I do know, however, that nothing is going to change unless I make it change. The problem is that I have to want to make the changes. If I don't feel that change is necessary, it is not going to happen. For now, I am going to make the most of my summer. The older I get, the harder it is to tolerate the winters here. So much so, that I have been tossing around the idea of moving somewhere that has milder winters. So, for now, I will spend as much time as I can on my bike, in the mountains, and climbing rocks. Come winter. . .?

These Feet Were Made For Walkin'

2009-07-09T09:02:00.000-07:00

Well, I made it back from Toronto early this morning, safe and sound. It was really awesome to get to see my daughter and meet her boyfriend. It was especially great to finally hold my grandson for the first time. He is, of course, adorable!

Although I didn't have the opportunity to practice my kung fu, I did stay active and connected to my UBBT requirements. I swam lengths in the hotel pool every night as well as did my required situps and pushups. I also walked a ton; at the zoo, downtown Toronto, the boardwalk, and along the parkland coast of Lake Ontario.

The walking was great because I seem to have a slipped disk in my back which is causing big issues with my sciatic nerve. I have had this problem years before and it took surgery to fix it, (after 9 months of waiting) so I am very nervous about the whole thing. Anyone who has had problems with their sciatic nerve, knows the horrible pain it causes all the way down your leg and mine goes right down to under my toes. The pain never goes away. Feels like someone is pounding a hammer on my right ankle bone non stop.

I know the worse thing for an injury like this is to stop being active, so I don't have plans to give up my daily training. Now that I am back home, I can get heavily into it again. I am supposed to leave tomorrow morning for a 3 day backpacking trip in Banff. I have waited all winter and really don't want to give up the opportunity. The walking will be great, but the heavy pack on my back...? I guess we will have to see how I am come Monday morning.

He's here!!

2009-06-13T23:53:00.000-07:00

It's late and I need to get to bed, but I just had to journal first. I have a new love in my life. He is fair of face, but has dark hair. My heart is already bursting when I think of him. His name is Damien Trace Persaud, and he was born by emergency c section at approximately 4:30 pm Toronto time today... 5 lbs 7oz, and as healthy as he should be.

It is such an interesting feeling to become a grandparent, and I suppose the feeling is heightened by the fact that this little bundle comes to our family from a daughter. There is this sudden connection I feel with her as she enters the world of being a mom. She is beside herself with joy, excitement, and a level of love that she never ever thought possible. I can't wait to see him, to see them both and hold them in my arms. Today, I am truly blessed.

Think About It...

2009-06-13T09:12:00.000-07:00

I never figured myself to be the type to be lazy. I like to think that I have a great sense of work ethic. But there are several types of work, and my work ethic may vary depending on what I am doing and what time of the day it is.

I work out every day, and I enjoy it. Nothing like a strenuous bike ride that makes you soaked in sweat, or a 40 minute bout on the elliptical that makes your legs want to fall off and become detached from the rest of your body. Then there is always running the 6 or 7 km to kung fu class instead of jumping in the car, or my bike. Doing push ups and sit ups everyday...I can do all that with no ease at all. I enjoy it, I am almost beginning to thrive on it, and to need it in my daily routine, or it feels like something is really missing.

On the other end of things...try getting me to do forms for an hour. I can't say that I have lost my passion for kung fu, or that I feel training isn't necessary. I know it is necessary and it is something that should be a routine part of my day. But I really questioned myself yesterday as to why I find it so much more difficult than just "working out". I think I may have found an answer. I have discovered the difference between the two in my life.

I think that I am too darn lazy. For me to jump on my bike and ride for 90 minutes is nothing. I jump on, put on my earphones, crank up the volume on my ipod, and away I go. No stress, no PATTERN OF THOUGHT. That's it! On my bike or at the gym, I can just let my body go all out without having to think about it. My mind can wander and wonder, and believe me it does. It wanders all over the place, and wonders about all aspects of my life. Anything and everything. I don't have to take control of it.

On the other hand, doing my forms, or any aspect of kung fu, is very different in the sense that I have to stay focused, and keep my mind on what I am doing, not just let it go all over. There comes a time when a person can just go ahead and do a form with out even thinking about it. Muscle memory kicks in and away I go. But if I truly want to improve my forms, I need to be more attentive of my stances, my blocks, kicks, and transitions, and a hard one for me...releasing my chi.

I can compare this to people who have TV. They come home from work and veg in front of it. I am not the only one who knows how much a days work can take out of you. To come home and not have to think, is a great relief. Some people sit in front of the TV so that they can get that rest from having to think. For me, working out is my form of "watching TV", I guess. It is a great release from my day. So to put it all in perspective, after having to think all day long at work, and really focus on what I am doing, especially now that I drive the lift equipment, I am too darn lazy to come home and have to "think" when I work out. This is a big deal to me that I have come to this realization, because now I can take steps to fix it. I can start to work on a solution because I have discovered the problem.

This adds to my understanding of my difficulties with meditation. I can't just let my mind go, I have to control it. To control my mind and my breath, controls the level of relaxation in my body. If I can't relax my mind, I'll fail at relaxing my body, and isn't that the whole point? Although I have to think about the breath, it clears my head from thinking about other things.

At kung fu last night Sifu Hayes was teaching us the Tai Chi broadsword. As the class was getting near the end, he asked if we wanted to learn a bit more, or have we learned enough for one day. Naturally all the younger students were keen and wanted more, while I was of the opinion, "no thanks, that's enough for me today".

As I get older in age, I know the importance of using my mind and having to think about things will increase. It is true what they say, "if you don't use it, you'll lose it". I prefer to hang onto it, thank you very much. So again, I am thankful for this realization I have come to. I don't have a loss of passion for my kung fu. I love kung fu and all that is beneficial about it. I have just lost a bit of my drive to continue "thinking" about it.

Reconnect

2009-06-05T20:27:00.000-07:00

Just got home from the black belt class. It was a very good one for me. We didn't do anything way out there, or so totally cool, but it was fun, and great to do something new. Boxing. I liked it a lot. What I really liked was how I felt just that little bit more connected to my peers.

I was lucky enough to work with Sifu Shipalesky and Sifu Simpson. Sifu Shipalesky and I have been together since white belts. It was really awesome to work with her again, and reconnect with that bond. I don't recall having worked with Sifu Simpson before. I was grateful for the opportunity tonight. She was fun to work with and taught me some things.

Tonight I felt very relaxed, and had fun working with the techniques. When I think about it, I guess I am usually quite serious when I come to class and all worried about doing the techniques correctly. Tonight was different and I like that.

This feeling of being connected continued on when we sat at the end with Sifu Brinker and "chatted". I felt like we were really a family, with similar goals, and aspirations. I felt a connection to the group, that I had been looking for for some time now. Not sure what brought it all on, but I liked it, needed it, and am grateful for it.

Seminar of Greatness

2009-06-01T09:55:00.000-07:00

What a great experience it was to be in the company of Master McNeill this weekend.
When I first walked into the room, I have to admit that I felt quite intimidated, having only worked with the cane a small bit. It only took a couple of minutes after Master McNeill walked in the room to feel comfortable. He has this amazing countenance that instantly makes you feel at ease.

I was only able to attend one seminar due to finances, but it was awesome! Master McNeill is a man who packs around an incredible suitcase of knowledge in that head of his everywhere he goes. I could have easily sat and just listened to him all day long. The things he taught us were very cool, and most interesting. I came away with a new sense of wanting to learn more, train harder and become better at what I do.

I really hope we can expect another visit from Master McNeill in the future. A huge thank you to Sifu Brinker for allowing us the priviledge of training, even for a small amount of time, with someone like Master McNeill!

Work Ethic

2009-05-31T19:03:00.001-07:00

This is kind of a tough journal to write on line because I am afraid of coming across as being arrogant or bragging. My subject is work ethic. Far too often I see people that just don't really care about doing a good job of whatever they are doing. They lack pride in their job and seem to just not care. I can't figure out what could be lacking in their lives to give them the impression that "it just doesn't matter". It does matter. Whether you are picking up garbage, building a house, planting a garden, sweeping up dirt, filling a cavity, or delivering mail, it matters how well you do your job.

I believe it is the same with everything we do; our training in kung fu, being a parent, going to school, learning a new trade or even how to dance. If we don't give it at least 100%, we have to ask ourselves, "why am I doing this?" The point isn't to do it perfect, but to do it with pride, and with everything you've got. Start at the beginning and work towards perfection.

We have a program at work that allows managers to award associates with honor badges. Every time someone does something exceptionally well at work, or goes beyond what is expected of them, they are awarded an honor badge. After 3 badges, they are given $50. and a bronze award. After 6, they are given another $50. and a silver award. After 10, they are given $100. and a gold award. Then after 15, (I think) the person is given a platinum award and a very nice dress watch. I have been the first one ever in our store to be awarded the platinum award. I have also received my 2nd round bronze award. I don't feel proud that I have received these awards. I do however, feel blessed to have the level of work ethic that I do. I don't work hard to get awards, I work hard because I get great self satisfaction out of doing so.

I believe in order to be a martial artist, it takes a high level of work ethic. I see it in my peers at the kung fu school all the time. They are true examples of individuals with great character and drive to do their best in all aspects of their lives. As I think about all this, it brings to mind my journals. It is expected of me, it is beneficial for me, it is necessary. It is an area that I need to put in at least 100%. If I do that in all other areas of my life, what right do I have to let my journaling slide by the way side. That goes for any aspect of my training. If I don't give it my all, I have to ask myself, "why not?" I am a martial artist, and martial artists are not lazy! We are ordinary people with ordinary jobs, families, likes and dislikes. But...we do extraordinary things. Like working hard and driving ourselves hard to reach goals we have set for ourselves, and to do great things in our lives, and helping to improve the lives of others.

I have heard it said that pride is a sin. Not sure if I fully agree with that. I am proud to have the level of work ethic that I do. It has gotten me to greater heights in my life. I always feel good knowing I have worked hard to do a good job at something. I also recognise that I have not done these things on my own. It has taken the encouragement, support, knowledge and direction of others to help me get where I am. Perhaps that is the difference. Being proud should be more than just self recognition. It is recognition of those that helped you move forward and grow to be who we are today. No one does it alone. We all are surrounded by examples of one kind or another, whether negative or positive. They have an effect on us even if we don't see it. I am so very grateful to be in the company of Silent River Kung Fu and all who associate with it. They are what make me proud.

Another Accomplishment

2009-05-25T14:16:00.000-07:00

I dreaded the day my boss would take me aside and ask me to train on the reach truck. It is kind of like a fork lift, but smaller and only used indoors. Using the order picker gives you control over the productbecause you are harnessed in and working directly with the product that you are putting up high on the shelf. With the reach truck, the control is omewhat limited. The product is on a pallet, and the pallet is on the forks of the reach truck and manoeuvered 10 feet overhead. Plus, when putting up or bringing down product, you have limited space to work, and have to move around in a way that won't destroy product on surrounding shelves. The idea of breaking product, or dropping it from high on the forks terrified me.

My boss started me off slowly in the receiving area in back of the store. I started on the first day by just moving the machine back and forth a nd getting used to the controls. I put empty pallets on the forks and lifted and lowered them to different areas of the floor. I suppose that wasn't so bad. Except I kept forgetting which button was for which control. Up, down, sideways?

The next day my boss had me remove full pallets from up high, but still only in receiving. He also had made me an obstacle course from shopping carts and hd me practice driving around them. To me this was extremely stressful, and it made me sweat like crazy. On occassion I would get frustrated, and then a bit angry at myself. Luckily my boss was very patient and encouraging.

Finally the day came to go out on to the floor of the store, but early enough that we weren't open, so no customers were around. PHEW!! My boss had me put up as well as take down full pallets of product. It took some doing just to drive around corners and down the aisles. Then lining up the forks just right to fit under the pallets was at first very challenging, and it often took more than one try. There is far less room in the aisles than there is in receiving and I found myself constantly looking at my back wheels to see which direction they were turned. My boss was always by my side giving me the guidance I needed. He also told me to try and "feel" the way the machine is moving instead of having to look at the wheels. This took a couple of weeks of practice, but finally the machine and I became one, and I always know now how my wheels are turned, without looking.

On one of my earlier days of being on the floor wwith the reach truck, my boss asked me to put up a pallet of light fixtures. The reach truck has these big feet on the front that stick a ways out. When picking up a pallet, the feet hit it first, and then you have to use the controls to move the forks all the way under the pallet. When picking up the pallet of lights, I forgot to move the forks all the way under and began to pick up the pallet. Needless to say, the I dumped the entire pallet of lights forward onto the floor. I was very lucky that nothing broke. I did, however have a big mess to clean up and had to re wrap the pallet. I learned a valuable lesson then and have never since forgotten to move the forks all the way under the pallet.

For the first couple of weeks, my boss was always by my side when I drove the reach truck. I was not allowed to drive it without him there. Now, I drive it all the time, with or without him there. It has become a routine part of my job and it is no longer stressfull. I have learned to trust myself, and the machine.

I have even since moved up to driving the fork lifts. The smaller one as well as the larger one that we all call, "Brutus". The fork lift steers more like a car, and there are seperate controls for the up/down, side to side, and tilt. On the reach truck there is one handle with all the buttons for manoeuvering the forks. The steering for the reach truck is done on the left side with a disk that has a handle sticking out of it to hold on to and rotate clockwise, or counter clockwise, depending on which way you want to turn. I LOVE driving the fork lift and most of my day is spent on it, outside now that the weather is nice.

It was a bit scarey the first time I had to move lumber because it is very heavy, and some of it is 16 feet long and if not balanced correctly, it can easily tip. I have seen this happen to others, and picking up a large load of lumber is no fun at all.

So all of this training happened in about 5 weeks time. It was scarey at first, yet the adventurous side of me wanted to see me succeed. I knew it would be something I would enjoy and my boss tried to tell me that from the start.

A few weeks ago while taking down a pallet of ceramic tile, I had the forks under it and was about to pull it off the very top shelf about 10 feet up. My boss happened to walk by and starting yelling, "wait! Hold it!" He was looking up at the pallet, walking towards me and still kept saying, "wait! stop!" I was a little freaked out, and frantically looking up to see what was wrong with the position of the forks and the pallet. Other employees had gathered around to see what I was doing wrong. When my boss walked up to me, I asked, " what's wrong? It looks OK to me." He smiled and said, "WOW! You really have those forks up high." He laughed and walked away. I have yet to get even. LOL!!

Kung Fu VS Ballroom Dancing

2009-05-25T13:37:00.000-07:00

First off, I would like to apologize to all the loyal journal readers out there. I have not been able to keep up with my on line journals due to a computer problem. Our computer has been in getting fixed for over a month now, and all I keep getting is broken promises about when it will be ready. I have been writing out my journals on paper, and will slowly try to get them on line by using the public library computer.

For as long as I can remember, I have always wanted to learn how to do ballroom dancing. My ex husband and I promised ourselves that we would one day take lessons, but never did. Now, finally, I am. I have joined a singles dance club that teaches all kinds of dances like the swing, tango, 2- step, samba, and so on. I absolutely love it!! We have a lesson for the first hour and then dance the night away with whoever we want until midnight. There is a small group of my friends that go together on a regular basis. One of the guys in our group is named Greg.

Greg and I dance a lot together, and one time we even went to a swing club full of university students and all they play for music is 1920 and 1930's stuff. It is simply a night of swing, with a fast or slower rhythm. A ton of fun! Greg made a comment that night about how easy I follow him when we are dancing. I said it was because he was such a great leader.

At another dance while doing the 2 step, he said again how amazed he was that I followed him so well. He said that when he twirls his partner, they usually end up crashing into him, and he just can't figure out how come I follow him so well. He asked what it was that I did that allowed me to follow so well. I didn't really have to think about it for very long. I told him the truth. I simply follow his movements by the feel of his body and how he changes the way he moves. I could feel the tilt of his shoulder, the change in his weight on his feet, the tenseness in his hands, and even the way he moves his head. He gave me a look like either I was crazy, or he didn't believe me.

The more I thought about it, the more I began to realize it is all because of my kung fu. Master Brinker says that our kung fu will improve what we do outside of the kwoon, and what we do outside of the kwoon will help us with kung fu. I understand that now, as I know this is what I experienced on the dance floor. How many years now have I been doing techniques involving sticky hands? How many years have I been taught to read the movements of my opponent? This is training that I haven't really been able to notice the benefits of...until now. I believe that I can follow my dance partner well, because of my martial arts training. The second my partner tenses up, or drops his shoulder, I know what move is coming up next. I know what I need to do, or what my dance partner is expecting from me. Just as I know that when my sparring partner shifts weight on his feet, he is about to make a move, and I will need to react.

I should not at all be surprised by all this, but have to admit that I am. My kung fu training is always full of surprises for me. We can be taught something for years, but it is so wonderful when you have one of those moments that just makes you sit back and go, WOW! It all comes together and it actually works like they said it would.

'Time Out For Women'

2009-05-02T20:04:00.000-07:00

I got a call late last night from my friend, telling me she had an extra ticket to a special woman's conference at the Mayfield Inn. I was very excited, but beside myself with what to do, for the conference was today, and so was the Kung fu Tiger Challenge. I had full intentions of attending the tournament, but was tempted by my friend's invitation. I told her to give me 10 minutes to think it over, and weighed my options. I decided to go to the conference, and I know in my heart now, having attended, that it was the right choice.

I learned many things today, and I can recognize a level of personal growth within. It was also a very special feeling to be in a room with 1400 other woman and feel connected in body and spirit and with the personal challenges that we all face as mothers, wives, sisters, single parents, and working women. It was wonderful to celebrate being a woman with musical entertainment, as well as very insightful speakers.

Amongst the many things that I came away with, one was the importance of being an optimist, instead of a pessimist. If faced with an opponent that is the size of Goliath, do we think, "oh, he is so big I will never defeat him". Or do we say, "he is so big, how can I miss". It is all about attitude, and how we decide to look at a situation. Some of us are born with a natural cheerful disposition, others have to work at it. I get a bit annoyed when I walk into work and say a cheerful "good morning!", and someone says, "what's so good about it?" I always have the same response. "Well, for starters, I am alive and healthy and my kids are safe". If nothing else, I know I at least have that.

This goes hand in hand with being part of the solution, not the problem. If we have an issue with something at kung fu and all we do is go complain to Master Brinker, we become part of that problem. What if we went to Master Brinker with our supposed issue, plus we presented him with a couple of ideas on how we can solve the problem? We have just become part of the solution, not part of the problem. We have become proactive, and we have learned how to think for ourselves.

I have a daughter that has caused me great concern in the past, plus a lot of sleepless and stressful nights. I tend to look at my children and judge my parental skills by their personal accomplishments, and the amount of integrity and character they possess. I learned a valuable lesson today about turning that around. Instead of looking at what my children have gained from me being their parent, look at what I have gained from being their parent. In particular, what areas of personal growth have I gained from going through a few troubled years with my youngest daughter? I could make a list as long as my arm. Among them would be patience, the value of unconditional love, true knowledge and appreciation of the strength of families, a testimonial of the rewards for enduring to the end, the power behind empathy, and a stronger conviction to never judge others, but to look at everyone as a child of God and know that no matter who they are, or what they have done, they all deserve the respect and understanding of those around them. Sometimes, those that deserve our love the least, need it the most.

"If it's worth doing, it's worth doing badly." That's right..."badly." Think about it. If it is something really worth doing, and you do it badly, you are going to work your butt off and keep trying until you can do it right. Until you can master it. And think of the limitless things you learn and gain by doing that. A perfect example of this is when I was rock climbing Friday night. I attempted a very difficult climb that included an overhang of about 3 or 4 feet. I really wasn't confident that I could do it, but wanted to try anyways. It was as tough as I thought, and as I got to the last 2 holds right at the overhang, I just couldn't grab and I fell. My partner at the bottom had the other end of the rope, so all I did was swing against the rock. I tried again, and again, and my arms felt like they wanted to literally fall off. They were yelling at me, "no more, please!" My partner asked if I wanted to be lowered, but I told him no way. I was not going to give up until I touched that last hold. After about my 4th try, I hung there and looked at what I had to do, I chalked up my hands, and told myself that I would get 1 million dollars if I made it to the top, and that my kids very lives depended on me getting there. I took a deep breath, got my feet in place, visualized the route I had to take, ignored my screaming forearms, saw that Tim was prepared in case I fell again, and I gave it everything I had. I gave my call down to Tim, "climbing", pushed with my feet hard, reached up and over the cliff, and grabbed those last 2 holds. I did it!! I was so excited to have beaten this battle with the rock wall. I won! I came away having learned more about the technique of where to put my feet, proper angling of leaning into the wall, where to center my weight, and the power of pure determination. "If it's worth doing, it's worth doing badly."

People often tell me that I have endured many adversities in my life and I have endured them well. I have overcome many things, and for that, I am stronger in many ways. People are surprised by my positive attitude and sanity that is still intact...somewhat. ha ha. There was an analogy at the conference that when faced with a trial, it is like walking down a tunnel into the darkness. When you get to the end and are about to fall, you either stand on a box to reach the light, or you learn how to fly. I learned over the years to be very good at flying. I am a far better person for it. Sometimes when my wings were a little out of shape, I would stand on a box and get held up. To me, that box is the many people in my life that have helped to hold me up out of the darkness. To them I am forever grateful.

Perhaps one of the most important things I came away with, was a softening of heart. Over the years I have noticed a hardening of my heart. I have closed it off somewhat to the more gentler things in life. I don't let myself get all caught up in "feelings" so to speak. I have prided myself in being "tough". This is something that is very hard to put into words, but very easy to notice in myself. I can tell when I have closed off my heart, and allowed it to become hard, and I know that over the last month a huge change has taken place. There have been a few events responsible and I appreciate going through those and what I gained from them. Today was one of those times.

Some Things Work, Some Don't

2009-04-29T13:51:00.000-07:00

I mentioned in a blog a little while back that I was going to try working out on my lunch break to maximize my time during the day. I also said that I wanted to put time into doing yoga after my workouts. Well, the workouts at lunch just are not working for me. I have a pretty physically demanding job that requires a lot of heavy lifting and moving large items. I also wear steel toe boots and work on cement all day. I have found, that come my lunch break at 10:00, I need to sit for a bit and put my feet up. I prefer not to give that time up to do my workout. Plus an hour really isn't enough time to do a proper workout when you include traveling time and having to change my clothes. I am not going to fret about it. It was a nice idea, but it just isn't working for me. Instead, I have been doing my workouts about 3:00, or 4:00 in the afternoon. This gives me enough time after, to get home, make supper, and relax for a bit before going off to bed about 8:30. (I am up at 4:00 am for work).

The power yoga is going great! I have had success in doing it for my stretching after my workouts. Feels so good to get back at it again. I forgot what a workout it is in itself. It amazes me how each activity or excersize can target, and finetune muscle tone in so many different areas. Yoga for example, brings back to life muscles in my butt, back, and shoulders, that even cycling, running, and pushups don't seem to hit. The internal heat I feel while doing my yoga is amazing too, and helps to cleanse my systems. I love the connection with the breath, and the total sense of entire body awareness that is connected with yoga. While holding a pose, I am focused on all areas of my body, joints and muscles, how they feel and how they play a part in that particular pose. Yoga is a great companion to my kung fu, and by training hard in both areas, the results and benefits are endless.

Streeeeetch!

2009-04-19T15:45:00.000-07:00

While out at a dance last night, I was dancing with a guy that I have got to know really well. He is a 2nd degree black belt in the art of Tae kwon Do. While in the waltz position, he said that he could feel that my muscles in my mid section, my low back in particular, were very tight and tense. He explained to me how it is very important for people like us who train a lot, to constantly stretch. He recommended taking hot baths once in a while too. I hate taking baths. I get in there all prepared for a bit of relaxation, but get bored within minutes. So I end up getting out. I can't read in the tub because my glasses get fogged up, or my book gets wet. He does make a very good point though, and of course I see the importance of it. I have had back surgery in the past, so keeping my back in good condition, is something I am constantly aware of.

I know how important it is to stretch as well, but I am usually so rushed that I skip that part of my training. I was grateful for that simple reminder from Stephen. He also reminded me that at our age it is especially important to keep limber. Getting up in age as Stephen and I are, tends to cause a lot of tightness in joints and muscles when they are not well taken care of. I definitely do not want that to be an issue as I age. I enjoy my level of activity, and would not be happy to have to give it up because of stiffness, due to a simple lack of stretching.

When I first started working out, I would always finish my workout with some power yoga. I used it as part of my strength training, but also because it is a means of stretching. I quit doing my yoga when my shoulder problem came about. Part of the yoga routine involves the push up position, and that has been very difficult for me. Now that I feel an increase in the healing of my shoulder and pec muscle, I have decided to try getting back to yoga as the end of my workout routine. It will be beneficial to me in a number of ways ; keeps my muscles stretched, builds great looking muscle, in my back, butt and abs in particular, it is a great way to slowly get my injuries back into action, and if I focus correctly on my breath while doing my yoga, it can be a form of meditation and relaxation.

I have added meditation as part of my training requirements, but as much as it is the one thing that should be easy to do, for me it is the hardest, and it is the one area of my requirements that I am failing at right now. My kids tell me constantly that I am ADHD. Maybe there is some small truth in that, but I don't really think so. I do recognise though, that being still and relaxing is a difficult thing for me. That is why meditation is a struggle, which in turn is why I made it a part of my requirements. I knew going into it, that it would be a challenge for me, and I would have to work hard to succeed in that area. I have a lot of catching up to do.

Myself

2009-04-17T13:44:00.000-07:00

I have to live with myself, and so
I want to be fit for myself to know
I want to be able as days go by
Always to look at myself straight in the eye.

I don't want to stand with the setting sun,
and hate myself for the things I've done.
I don't want to keep on a closet shelf
A lot of secrets about myself.

...and fool myself, as I come and go,
Into thinking that nobody else will know
The kind of person I really am;
I don't want to dress myself up in a sham.

I want to go out with my head erect,
I want to deserve all man's respect;
And here in the struggle for fame and wealth,
I want to be able to like myself.

I don't want to look at myself and know,
That I am a bluffer, an empty show.
I can never hide myself from from me:
I see what others may never see.

I know what others may never know;
I can never fool myself and so,
Whatever happens, I want to be
Self respecting and guilt free.

(186 Words)

getting back on track

2009-04-13T19:53:00.000-07:00

Just as I decide to really get going with my kung fu training...WHAM!! Something comes and gets in the way. But this is a very nice WHAM. My 19 year old daughter is home visiting from Scarborough, On. I haven't seen her in 8 months, so have been trying to spend lots of time with her. I feel guilty every time I leave the house without her. I have also had my (ex) mother in law here for 3 days, so needless to say, my training has taken a back seat to my company.

Sadly enough, my girl is flying home tomorrow, and I won't see her until her baby is born around the first week in June. I will miss her greatly. But, I will have the opportunity to get back on track with my training. I plan to really try and push myself to make up for lost time.

Innocent competition...healthy??

2009-04-12T14:43:00.000-07:00

I had a great experience last week at the gym. I sat down on a bike and began to warm up with a light paced pedal. About two minutes later, I was warm enough to start a quicker pace, and eventually began to really give 'er! About two minutes later, a gentleman about my age came and sat on the bike beside me. He started off right away with a very fast pace. The majority of the time when I am at the gym, people mind their own business, and don't pay much attention to the next guy. This particular gentleman kept looking over at my monitors on the bike. I thought it was rather odd, but I wasn't worried about it. I was doing 100 RPM's at level 10. I'm guessing he was impressed. LOL!!

So as the minutes went on, I began to get a bit tired, but there was NO WAY I was going to slow down. I kept pedaling my little heart out. So did he. I went for 30 minutes straight at a constant 100 or higher RPM's, staying at level 10. My legs were really feeling it, my heart rate was up, and I had sweat dripping down the sides of my face. But to me, this was competition, and I just couldn't pass it up. Neither one of us said a single word to each other the entire time. I wanted so bad to stay on the bike until he was finished. Let him give up first, but I had a tight schedule that night, and really couldn't stay any longer.

I left the gym that night with a huge smile on my face. It was a great workout!! It felt amazing to push myself like that. Often times it is too easy to just set a somewhat "comfortable" pace.

My usual workout partner has taken a break for the last 3 months to focus on his work, and other areas of his life. He is back to his usual workout routine this week, and I am very excited. Having him there helps to push me harder. Partly because of wanting to impress, (ha ha... can't help it) and partly because it is such a huge support to have someone there with the same goals and workout ethics as myself. We push each other.

journal smournal

2009-04-04T09:10:00.000-07:00

Yes, journaling is a very weak point for me. Master Brinker encourages us all the time to journal as he did again last night. #1 problem is finding time to do it. It takes me forever to write my journals...edit, edit, edit. #2 problem is finding time to get the computer to myself. #3 problem is the biggest. WHAT THE HECK DO I WRITE ABOUT??

I feel that every week is the same old, same old. Nothing new. Listening to Master Brinker last night say that we should be growing in our martial arts, and changing all the time, makes me feel like I am doing something wrong. I don't feel like I have anything new to write about. Yes, I am working out all the time, yes, I am practicing my forms, yes, I am working on all my requirements, (although I lack in one area). I eat, sleep, and dream kung fu. It is always on my mind. So what am I doing wrong? Perhaps I think more about it than I actually physically DO IT. Although I work out all the time, it isn't actually kung fu that I am doing. I ALWAYS go to the tri and work on the equipment there, and SOMETIMES go to the kung fu school to train. I simply didn't realise the difference there until I just wrote it down now. I can see that I need to ALWAYS go to the kung fu school to train, and I need to SOMETIMES go to the Tri to work out. Or at least find a balance between the two.

I have kept a personal journal for 30 years, and that is easy for me to do. I have the freedom to write about anything I feel in my heart, because I know it is my thoughts and my thoughts alone. No one has to agree or disagree, or ever read it. If I want to write about something I am proud of accomplishing, I can, and I can write all my honest thoughts about how it makes me feel. I can write about my encounters with friends, my family, the ups, the downs. Its all so easy. To write about what I am proud of accomplishing online makes me very conscious of sounding like I am bragging. So I usually try to avoid that sort of thing. I have tried to just let loose and let my thoughts flow freely in my online journals, but it is very difficult for me, and I usually end up trying to change my wording from the way I would usually word it in my personal journal.

I love doing my weapons, and it always makes me feel invigorated, excited, energetic, and my passion for the arts comes through very strongly. Doing the other curriculum is harder, especially the techniques that require a partner. I try to read through my curriculum and visualise the techniques in order to constantly remember them, and that does help a bit. I don't really know why, but I just don't feel as strong about kung fu as I used to, and that bothers me. It bothers me a lot.

Another part of it may be that I start work at 5 am which means that I am up every day at 4 am, and my job is very physically demanding. I don't get enough sleep because going to bed at 8:00 is very difficult for me, and that is the time I need to go to bed in order to get a proper nights sleep. I teach two nights a week until 7:30, and then go to the gym, then shower. I go to the gym that late because I meet friends there. I only have my evenings to be with my kids, and enjoy their company, so taking off to bed at 8:00 makes that more difficult. Needless to say, I try to have a small snooze after work, then make dinner, then off I go. I know that if I really want to do something, I have to work harder at making it a priority, and I know that it is possible to do just that.

All this is just a way of justifying my shortcomings, I suppose. There are two simple words that I need to follow without all the excuses, because excuses are easy to find. I am not one to slack off, so I should be able to follow my own councel and the councel of Master Brinker. The words are simply..."DO IT!"

My chapter book

2009-04-02T19:02:00.000-07:00

As I get older, I see more of life, and less of the material side of things. More of the emotional and less of the physical. More of the positive, and less of the negative. More of the fun side of life, and less of the depressed. I see more of what is important in the long run, and less of the short term self gratification.

Life starts at 40, I have heard some people say. I never understood that at all and thought people must be saying that as a sarcastic remark. Now that I am 45, and my youngest is moving away to go to school in June, I understand the statement....and it is true. I am entering a time in my life when the fun really starts!! I can be away from home guilt free. I can pursue things that I have wanted to for years. I feel like I have entered into a whole new chapter of my life, and I am enjoying every minute of it!

I have always wanted to learn how to ballroom dance, and now I am. I have joined a singles dance club, and we meet every second Saturday. I often go to other singles dance clubs on other Saturdays that ours doesn't meet. For the first hour or so of the night, we have a dance lesson, and then after that, it is just a free for all dance and we have a great time. My children give me a hard time because I often come home in the wee hours of the morning after they are already home from their night out. It is a very clean, non drinking, pleasant night of fun, fun, fun! I have learned how to Fox Trot, 2 Step, Jive, as well as a few different styles of Swing. Just this one evening of dancing makes the rest of the week always bearable no matter what comes about. I am meeting a lot of people and my circle of friends is growing. This is always a good thing. We started as a small group of four, and now have grown to a larger group of about 12. We have become a tight group, and very supportive of each other.

I have also made plans to do a lot of hikes this summer. My friend and I are meeting to plan out which ones we will be doing this year. I plan to spend most of my non dancing weekends out hiking and biking in the mountains. That is my favorite place to be!

As my children are older and moving on to very successful lives of their own, I enjoy watching them grow and experience life in the beginning chapter of their adult life. They are good people, and they know what they want and where they need to go to get it. I am also starting the old-age chapter of grand parenting, as my first grandchild is due the first week in June. I am so very excited about this event, and wish that he would be closer to me and the rest of my family here.

My work is good as well, and I feel blessed to have a good employer with great benefits, and holidays and sick days. Being that I never get sick, my personal days accumulate, and give me the option of taking days off when I need them for other special events. This is a huge blessing because it gives me the opportunity to go away and get paid even though I am not working.

This new chapter of the freedom side of my life also allows me to put time into my martial arts training whenever I want to. I can't explain why, but years ago, I had way less time to myself, and yet I trained much harder. I am still a very busy person, but still, I have more time to train than ever before. Yet...I train less than I used to. I need to pick up the pace, and push myself harder. Now is not the time to slack off. Now is the time for me to really dig my heels in and become the martial artist I truly want to be. I have no excuses.

So, yes, I agree that life starts at 40, or even at 45. I loved raising my kids and it was a very exciting and rewarding chapter of my life. It was a long chapter of my life and I worked hard to raise my children to where they are today. It was a growing experience for me as well. My children taught me insurmountable things about life, about what is really important, and about the true meaning of success.

UBBT Week 16

2009-03-05T08:09:00.000-08:00

Not a good week for me. I was sick all week, and my energy level was real sucky. I find that as I don't work out, my arthritis is bothering me more. I usually don't even remember I have it, but I have felt it this week. Sure shows the importance of working out in relation to health issues. I am grateful every day for being able to do the things I do, and for the strength I have to do them.
I always go back to thinking about my mother. She is around 300 pounds and has arthritis, diabetes, blood pressure problems, blood clots in her legs, fibre mialgia, deteriorated disks, you name it. I know how much healthier she would be and that her quality of life would be increased 100 fold, if she would just eat healthy, and at least go for walks. She admits that she can't give up her McDonald's, and A & W. It is really sad actually. I have talked to her several times, and once in awhile she will take a step and not eat after 7, or walk a few minutes a day, but it never lasts. She has to want to do it. I can't make her. What I find the saddest, is that she can rarely even travel to see her family, grandkids included, because it is too painful. That in itself would be enough to make me want to get healthier. She is a part of what drives me to do the things I do to stay healthy.
A friend of mine is in the medical field and he sees this stuff all the time. We talked about it just a couple of days ago. People who have the start of diabetes, but can control it and even get rid of it, by a healthy diet, and a few pounds lost. They don't and then eventually end up on insulin. Why? I wonder of the root of this type of thinking. Is it simply lack of will power? The lack of strength to change, lack of self esteem, or respect? I like to see people happy and at peace, and when I see that they aren't, it bothers me...a lot.
I look back now at when I used to run a fitness studio. I did great things, helping people to stay healthy, and have fun while doing it. I miss that. I do still try to help others by my example and just even a friendly smile. I know that there are people at work that have started to work out a bit, just by hearing me talk about it all the time, and what they see in me. My desire to eat healthy, stay fit, and the cheerful disposition I always carry with me. They say, they see it, they like it, they want it for themselves.

UBBT Week 13-15

2009-02-09T14:38:00.000-08:00

Things have been a bit tough lately in a way that life has thrown one of those obstacles my way, and as a result I have let my training slip. I am not behind, but anytime I miss more than 2 days training out of the week, I consider it not acceptable. Lately, I have been missing 4 or 5. I notice that my focus and motivation has been a bit MIA as well. It takes me all I've got to get myself to the gym or kung fu classes. Even cleaning my house seems to take more energy than I care to put out. I know that this is temporary, and look forward to getting my act together and being back on track.

mo'ti-va'tion n.

2009-02-09T10:35:00.000-08:00

The set of reasons that determines why one will engage in a particular behaviour.

As I have gone through some difficult obstacles in my life, I have noticed a reasonable decline in my motivation for my kung fu training. I have asked myself, why?. Sure it's easy to say that feeling a bit depressed leaves one feeling unmotivated. Why? In order to answer this, I have asked myself what it is that motivates me in the first place. What really lies within the definition of motivation? A reason to minimize pain, and maximize pleasure, I suppose.

I remember from my college days that there are 2 kinds of motivational factors. One is intrinsic and one is extrinsic. Intrinsic means that my reasons for being motivated are due to something that comes from me. I can see results coming from my own doing, by the amount of effort I put in. Extrinsic means that the reason I am motivated, is to gain something from someone else: praise, acceptance, love, recognition, fear of punishment, or some kind of physical reward: money, trophy, gifts.

There are 2 forms of intrinsic motivation. One based on what I enjoy, and one on obligation; when I am motivated to do something, not because I feel I want to, but rather I feel I have to. I am obliged to.

So why am I motivated sometimes and sometimes not? What are the results I want to see, or for others to see. Which is most important to me? I am often motivated in order to see personal results that come from my own doing. I am proud of my work ethic, and the amount of effort I put into whatever I am doing. I believe I can be effective in completing most goals I set my mind on completing. I am also very interested in mastering my goals. I like to prove to myself I can do things, I may have thought I couldn't. As I am learning to drive a fork lift at work, I am terribly frustrated with the fact that I have not mastered it...yet. These all define me as an intrinsic motivator.

When I look at what motivated me in kung fu years ago, I can easily say that there were more than one factor. One was to do good in the tournaments, earn trophies, gain recognition by others, get promoted to a higher belt level, maintain an acceptable body weight, and good health, which would all define me as an extrinsic motivator. So does that mean that I am defined as both? I suppose I can honestly say that it all depends on the situation and the goals I have set, and why. Although, now, perhaps because of age, and a higher level of maturity, (LOL!!) I don't feel I train to attain recognition from others. That is no longer as important to me as doing good for no other reasons than my own feeling of personal accomplishment, personal growth,and enjoyment.

I am also very motivated when I want to reach a personal goal. Reaching that goal is a reward in itself. I suppose that is why I have taken on the ultimate black belt test. I have set a goal that I want to reach for my own personal satisfaction. I am not doing it for anyone else. In order for me to reach this goal, or any goal, I have realised the importance of how to set goals, in a way that will improve my chances of reaching it. Master Brinker has drilled this into me, but it all means so much more and hits closer to home now that I have this ubbt, and my personalized 3rd degree requirements to complete. Master Brinker can not force me to complete my goals, he can only give me the tools. I must be self motivated in order to accomplish my goals without failure. I must find within me, the necessary strength to do what I feel I have set out to do without needing to be influenced or pushed by someone else. I must work consistently without giving up. I do, however, understand the concept of a helpful support group all too well. I can testify of my increase in motivation after having a most enjoyable and uplifting experience at the Chinese new year celebration.

If I am to be efficient in reaching my goals, I need to have 3 things clearly defined. Proximity, difficulty, and specificity. For proximity, my beginning and end to my goal need to be close, not years and years apart, and I need to clarify the date for my goals to be completed. For difficulty, my goal needs to be a challenge, and yet also reachable. Specificity means that I have to clearly specify what it will take to reach my goal. A young child that says he will get straight A's on his next report card may not understand what it takes to achieve that. To say I want to attain 3rd degree black belt, must include the fact that I know what it takes to achieve that. I need to break down my goal into steps, and revise a plan. I have to know exactly what it is I need to do, and how I intend on doing it. This will allow me to see exactly what it will take for me to reach 3rd degree. A child may not want to get straight A's if he finds out he has to study 1 hour every night, get over 90% on all their exams, give up TV, or computer time to attend extra classes.

Failure to reach certain goals is a direct result of motivating factors. If I can't clearly see my motivating factors or the real meaningful reasons behind wanting to do something, I won't have what it takes to succeed. I absolutely have to know what is behind it all. I know that I am motivated when my social needs are met as well. I love being around people, and socializing with friends. When I go to the gym, I am so much more motivated to go, and to work harder when I have plans to meet friends there. I think this is the same for a lot of people. When our social needs are met, we feel much more liked and that we are important. This is something to remember when teaching classes.

I also need to remember that boredom, and repetition of tasks are 2 leading factors that deplete motivation. My job is a lot of hard work. It is very physically demanding of me every day. But I am never bored, nor do I do the same things over and over. Each day I meet new people, and perform different tasks. I like being there. I have a lot of fun with the people I work with, including my boss, I am well liked, and a leader in my team. When I am positive and motivated, I always look for a better way to do something. I am more quality oriented, and much more productive. This is the same in my kung fu training. I suppose that is why when I let life get me down, my motivation goes down as well. I fall more on the negative side of the fence, and this makes me feel like I can't accomplish things I wish I could. Perhaps deep down, I feel I am a failure at life, which in turn makes me think I will be a failure at accomplishing my goals. So I tell my inner self, "why even try?"

There is a direct, medically proven connection between negative feelings and the chemical imbalance of our bodies. They feed off each other and can become a viscous cycle. They also in turn cause physical and mental health problems. They deplete my motivation, which in turn reduces my chances of completing my goals. This all leads to a decrease in my self esteem. All of this from the power of negativity. The power of positive thinking is of course a direct result of nothing other than continued personal success, and a happier lifestyle.

It has taken me years to really and truly know this to be fact. Through all my personal experiences and guidance from Master Brinker, I know that at all costs, stay away from negative thinking and doing things that we know will bring us harm. It has taken me writing this journal, to bring it all home and become clearly defined for me. I understand the connection between my personal experiences and my decrease in motivation. I am not feeling regret, embarrassment, or self pity. I am feeling rejoiced in once again adding to my personal strengths, growth, and overall well being. I understand now what motivates me and what doesn't. I know what it will take for me to complete my martial arts goals, and I also will be able to recognize more clearly what to look out for when I feel my motivation slipping, and to keep it from slipping. With positive thinking, clear definitions of my goals and motivating factors, organization, and self determination, I will succeed.

Me, Myself, and I

2009-02-09T01:54:00.000-08:00

It's the middle of the night, and I have to be up for work at 5:00 am. So why am I unable to sleep? There are far too many things going around in this head of mine. I tried meditating, but was unable to force my focus long enough to relax. One of the things on my mind is my ongoing search to find the real and true me. Not who I think I am, but who I really and truly am, naturally, without trying to be or pretend to be someone else.

My daughter showed me a tag on her face book, which asked her to list some things about herself. This got me thinking about what I would list about my own self. Without sugar coating it, here is an honest, and open list of things about..."me"

1. I am 45, (46 in May), 5' 4", and 130 Lbs.
2. I am a baptized member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, but at the present time have a weak testimony of some of it's teachings and principles. I do however, know that God, and Jesus Christ live.
3. I am afraid of the dark.
4. I am very compassionate, kind, and easily empathize towards others.
5. I am often very shy outside of my comfort zone, and have been told that this comes across to others as being a snob.
6. I have a dream of one day learning how to ballroom dance. I love dancing!
7. I love to read and my favorite books are historical fiction.
8. I enjoy doing family history, and have traced my grandmothers side of the family back to 1636.
9. My favorite food group is ice cream. LOL! My second favorite is Chinese food.
10. I love the mountains and miss them terribly. It is in the mountains that I feel most like myself, and as if I belong there, and always at peace.
11. I have 4 amazing kids: 3 girls and 1 boy.
12. I have survived years of sexual abuse as a child and years of emotional abuse as an adult. I am eternally grateful for the personal strengths, and characteristics, that experiencing these obstacles have given me.
13. I never swear, even when I get angry, and I have a hard time staying angry for any length of time.
14. I still miss my border collie "Morgan", who has been gone for 5 years now.
15. I am terrified of getting old alone.
16. I am passionate about kung fu, and want so much to be better at it.
17. I struggle with always feeling guilty, and although I have come a long ways in the last 9 years, my self esteem needs work.
18. I am a very deep thinker, and this often makes life harder for me. When I hear of a tragedy on the news, for days, or even weeks, I will think about the families involved and what they must be going through. My heart literally aches for them, and it saddens me.
19. Master Brinker is my hero, and I wish there were more heroes like him in the world.
20. I need to be loved, but, I feel an even more important need TO LOVE.
21. I feel sorrow that my dad has never met my kids, and although he shows no interest in me, I wish I could spend time with him, and tell him I love him.
22. I love and respect my children, and they have always been my reason to keep living when I have felt I didn't want to. I have always been an awesome mother, and am grateful to know that my kids would agree.
23. I love animals, and although I chase cougars in the winter, I am terrified of bears. They are my constant occurrence of nightmares. The only other thing I have nightmares about is that I am in a war and the enemy is looking for me. I hide anywhere I can think of in an attempt not to be found. Sometimes behind my bedroom door, which seems silly.
24. I am passionate about the concept of it taking an entire village to raise a child.
25. I have kept a personal journal for about 30 years, but hate journaling on line. One day I want to write a book about my life story in an attempt to give hope to others who need it in their life.
26. I get intimidated by others easily, usually because I feel they are better than me.
27. My very most favorite outdoor activity is tromping around in the bush when there is lots of snow. I also love photography, gardening, hiking, camping, mountain biking, playing cards wiyh my kids, scrap booking, and working with wood.
28. I am always hoping for a better tomorrow, but am trying to live for today.
29. I love to do jigsaw puzzles, and am very good at them.
30. When I am myself, I am a great person to be around, with a happy, upbeat, very energetic, and positive outlook on life. When I am depressed, even I don't want to be around me.
31. I cry at certain bank, or Tim Horton's commercials. This is great entertainment for my kids who tend to think it's funny. HA HA? As an added note, I don't have (cable) TV at home because I believe life is more enriching without it.
32. I have seen death, and will never forget the smell of death. Once, I had to dress and prepare a body for a funeral. The second time was in the hospital. I was with my grandmother when she died. My mother said that she was not strong enough to be with her, so asked me if I could. I saw a small child drown. I am not afraid of death, because I don't think it is the end.
33. I do not like computers.
34. I love to write.
35. I love teaching anything and everything, and as long as I am passionate, and well educated about what I am teaching, I am very good at it.

Who are we?

2009-01-18T12:56:00.000-08:00

Some things that I have read recently have angered me, and they have given me reason to ponder and reflect on who I am, and why I am, who I am.

Every second of every day, we make choices. These choices define who we really are. These choices decide our future, and often the future of others. Most important of all, these choices always come with consequences. Sometimes positive, sometimes negative. Choices are always constant in that they always create change.

In our everyday life, choices aren't really such a big deal. We make choices and decide what to do, or say, by the way we have programmed our character. We don't have to take time to think about what choice to make because it is most often just a natural thing to do. The decision is often made ahead of time because of who we choose to be. If I decide not to drink, then I have nothing to think about when someone offers me a glass of wine. The answer "no thanks" automatically comes out. I believe that this is the reason that teaching our children to have good morals and standards from an early age is so very important.

Who we are is a result of many different factors. Some of those factors are a product of decisions made by others when we were very young. Our upbringing is huge in the final product of who we become, but it certainly does not stop there. I know this first hand. We all have potential to become much greater than a product of our environment. How...By the choices we make. For me, I have been lucky enough to have great exemplars in my life to help me to rise and become who I am today. Without them, I know that I would not have the quality of life that I have. One of my earlier blog entries explains all that.

Who I am also has a great deal to do with my years of martial arts history. I have learned a lot about work ethics, my self worth, character traits that are important to have, what it takes to build strong communities, the difference between what is right and what is wrong, amongst other things. I have learned what it takes to truly be a Martial artist, and I have said this many times. Martial arts is a way of life for me. Bottom line is that when I make a choice, I make a choice according to my own beliefs and personal character...that comes from being a martial artist. There is not a Sifu Stoddart, and a Brenda Stoddart. The two are one and the same. There aren't rules to follow in the kwoon that don't apply outside of it. Of course we don't bow to people out in public, but what about showing self respect, and respect to others? The non profanity? Living healthy, and taking good care of our bodies, and helping others to learn how to do the same, through our encouragement and example? Working hard, and always giving 110%? Combine that with the rest of our training, and those are all things that give a martial artist character.

What I choose to do outside of the kwoon, reflects what I do inside of it. The choices I make on a daily basis, no matter how large or small, reflect who I am ALWAYS. Do I sometimes make wrong choices. Of course I do, and I recognize that, and then I make a point of creating change. Without that recognition, change cannot happen. That is why there is no such thing as a mistake. They are all opportunities for learning.

They say that nothing is as constant as change. How does change happen? From personal choices we make and the choices others make as well. Sometimes the choices we make come from many hours, or days of hard thought and comparing pros and cons. But most come from everyday things we do. Most come from simply being who we really are.

week 8

2008-12-25T12:12:00.001-08:00

As the holidays get close, I find it harder to find time for my workouts. There are holiday parties to attend to, gifts to buy and wrap, and baking to do, along with other preparations. This all added to my usual daily activites. I have missed 3 days working out this week, but I haven't let it give me grief. On my good days, I do double my requirements for situations such as this. That way, I never get behind, and can miss a day guilt free.
My right pec has been giving me grief again. It gave me problems a few weeks ago, but after a couple days of letting it rest, I was Ok. This time though, it seems to be taking longer to heal. Simple things such as putting on a coat become a painful chore. I have had to be creative in getting my push up requirements filled.

Joy in the Journey

2008-12-25T10:20:00.000-08:00

As I drove home from work this morning, I breathed in the beauty and peace of a town at rest for the one day of the year. For the other 364 days of the year, the town is full of hustle and bustle from morning till night, even on Sundays. It's sad that making money has become more important than building strong families. In the end, it's the family bonds we build that really matter in life.

We may chase rainbows day after day looking for that better life, but what we really want and need is right under our noses. My youngest daughter has learned this lesson the hard way. She couldn't wait to get away from home, be on her own, live in a big city, and fulfill wild dreams. She left 4 months ago to start that journey. Today, living in Toronto, expecting a baby in June, she's terribly home sick. She misses her family and the unconditional love she never recognized at the time. She misses all that is familiar, all that is home, and she also misses being able to see the stars at night.

Last night I was planning a lesson for church on Sunday titled, "Finding Joy in the Journey". It teaches that we should "relish life as we live it, find joy in the journey, and share our love with friends and family".
This past year I have tried hard to find joy in my journey of life. Far too often I was always waiting for a better tomorrow and never fully appreciating today. I have learned that if I pile up enough tomorrows, I'll soon find I've collected a lot of empty yesterdays, because there are no tomorrows to remember if I don't do something today. What I have and what I don't have exist together in my life. They are parallel realities. I understand that it is up to me to decide which secret garden to tend to. Will I focus on what is missing in my life, or celebrate with knowledge of all that I have - love, health, home, a job, joy of the outdoors, kung fu and other pursuits that bring me happiness?
Instead of being fooled by illusions of a different tomorrow, I need to drink in the appreciation of today. That doesn't mean I can't set goals, and work towards tomorrow. It simply means I must enjoy today because there may not always be a tomorrow. It's a reality of life that we all have lurking around the corner.
I have never taken for granted the blessings of personal health and that of my children. I am deeply grateful to have children who love and respect me, and love and respect each other. As I think of my 4 children today in 3 different parts of the country, my gratitude and love for them is strong. I am missing them on this Christmas day. They are what have made my journey worthwhile. They are what have filled my memory banks overflowing with fun, laughter, learning, and really great times.
We hear often how the destination is not as important as the journey to get there. Getting a black belt means nothing without all the hard work and effort to achieve it. Being on top of a mountain is breathtaking, but the journey to climb it is unforgettable. To take a helicopter to get on top of a mountain would take all the joy out of the journey. The smells of wild flowers, sounds of trickling streams, view of nearby mountain sheep, muscles working hard, the beauty of being one with nature, the people you meet along the way, the personal growth and accomplishment are all important parts of the journey that would be lost. The destination means so much more when it involves a journey of enjoyment, of personal growth, strength, sacrifice, and accomplishment.
As my children have grown and moved away, I am left with only my son at home. I am enjoying my time with him. I am enjoying this time in my life when I can bend my focus more towards doing what I like to do, for me and me alone. I'm finding it's a whole new world out there when I can put in guilt free time away from home to pursue things that bring me joy. I am finding great joy in my personal journey. I also recognize the joy in the journey I have taken with my children and other loved ones over the years. The time has gone fast.
It wouldn't be proper to discuss my life's journey without acknowledging the role that kung fu has played . The largest part of my personal growth has come from my kung fu, and all that I have experienced through my training, and from my mentors in the school. My kung fu journey is very special to me. It is personal and meaningful in ways that no one will ever be able to understand.

week 7

2008-12-05T09:47:00.000-08:00

Discipline, commitment, strength, sacrifice, self awareness, mental health, balance, flexibility, empathy and appreciation ,have all come to mean much more to me than before. They are all actions words, and they require my actions everyday, not just on some days.
Through my commitment, comes the discipline, yet with the discipline, comes my commitment. They work hand in hand to see me accomplish what I set out to. They make me a better person because they cause me to work hard and push myself. Not just in my training, but it spreads to my workplace, and in my home. Through that I gain strength within myself.
I sacrifice a lot every day to do this quest. Mostly I sacrifice my time. Taking a minimum 90 minutes out of my day, 6 days a week, adds up to a lot for me. I am not the type of person that has a lot of spare time on my hands. Not that many people do anyways.
Self awareness has become huge for me. My awareness of my physical and mental health has become clearer, and therefore a bit easier to monitor. As I push myself harder and have upped the intensity of my workouts, I notice little things that start to bother me. My knee, my shoulders, and my hip. I know that my physical activity is great for my arthritis, but I also know that pushing so hard that I am in pain for a couple days after is not good. I have come to know a good pain from a bad pain, and I monitor them both. With bad pain, I slow down a bit, or change my workout, so my body can recover, then I will pick it up again.
My mental health is just as important, if not more important to keep in check. If I start to let negativity enter my life, everything else falls apart. When my arthritis acts up, I have trouble fighting the idea that I am too old to do this. Becoming a grandmother has somehow become reality of my true age. When I am negative, I get grumpy about having to work so hard, and I feel that much in my life is a lost cause. Yet, when my mental and emotional health is where it should be, I feel I can take on the world, no matter what comes my way. I love that feeling! My self awareness has become so refined, that I can read my mood the instant I wake in the morning. From there, it is all about the attitude I put forward to see I fulfill my day to it's fullest with the most positive outlook.
The empathy and gratitude that I feel comes from the idea of "look what I can do". Not in a prideful sort of way, but rather how blessed I am to have the physical ability to do what I am doing. I am grateful for it everyday, and never forget that in the blink of an eye, life can change.
Doing my workouts everyday often requires flexibility. Obviously I can't work out the same time everyday, so I have to be flexible enough to rearrange other things in my life to accommodate my workouts. Or vise versa. I also have to keep in the forefront of my mind the importance of balance in all things. I know what my needs and my wants are, and it is important for me to not forget them.
As hard as it is for me to write these journals on a public site, I think it will be interesting to go back in 2 months, or 6 months from now, read through my entries, and see where my path of growth has taken me. If I made a graph of my attitude, my ups and my downs, my accomplishments and my setbacks, what would it look like? Only time will tell.

week 6

2008-11-23T13:04:00.000-08:00

This has been a great week for me. After working out one evening, I was explaining to my boyfriend how I just don't seem to be getting results I want, and I don't really feel exhausted after my workouts. My other concern was that I can't raise my heart rate above 130. His professional position and the knowledge he gains from his own personal trainer, allows me to have this easily accessible insight to my own fitness routine. "Make your workouts more intense", he says. Then we talked about what I could do to intensify the workouts I was already doing. Duh...I should already know this.

On the stationary bike, I went up 3 levels, and lengthened my diration on the bike to a minimum of 45 minutes. That did it. It was a very strenuous workout, and I managed to get my heart rate up to 151. Yahoo! My boyfriend is going to lend me his old heart rate gadget so I can test my heart rate while running. I know there is room to add intensity here as well, perhaps adding ankle weights, or just setting a quicker pace.

The changes I have enjoyed and noticed the most are with my training at the kung fu school. Usually, I work on a form for a while, stop for a drink, change to another weapon, stop to change my music, or switch to bags, etc. I have learned this week that to build up intensity, don't let my heart rate drop back to my base heart rate. Duh, again. So what I have done in my kung fu training recently, is simply keep going. I keep my pace at a constant level of intensity, instead of a start/stop. I only stop long enough to very quickly grab a different weapon to work on, or put on my bag gloves while doing my situps. I don't rest after doing kempo, but rather start the form over again, as soon as I get to the end of it. I don't know what my heart rate is by doing this, but I do know that even in the chilly room by myself, I sweat like crazy. I didn't use to. This to me, is great progress. What is even greater progress, is how stiff and sore I am for the next 2 days.

Week 5

2008-11-23T12:55:00.000-08:00

Not much to say for this week. Feels like the same old, same old. I have been expecting greater results that I have not yet seen though. Between my job and my workouts, not to say the rest of my daily abligations, I feel somewhat like my life is getting monotonous.
I do have to say though, that my appreciation for my forms is growing everyday. A form that I have done over and over again in the many years since I have learned it, is actually becoming quite a joy to practice. I set a number of times that I will do that form, but usually do more than that. The more I do it, the more intense I get, and the more real it becomes. This has been my focus this week.

Who is she?

2008-11-23T11:45:00.000-08:00

I have thought a lot this week about who I am, and why am I here, and why am I here now. I am a firm believer in a connection between everyone and all things. I am constantly asking myself, am I doing what I should be doing? Am I living up to my potential as a human being in this vast expanse that we call a world? Do I change the lives of others enough to really make a difference?

Far too often I judge my worth in the martial arts, by the recognition that others around me receive. Some days I feel like I play no part at all in the whole realm of the kung fu school. My life is such right now that I want to be selfish with what little "free" time I have. Most days it feels like all I do is work at my two jobs, do my physical workout, take care of my home and kids, sleep, and start all over again the next day. I could find time to do more, but I don't want to. Do I feel guilty about not being a part of more at the kung fu school? Sure I do. But I always find ways to justify my reasons. I don't believe in overfilling my plate so much that I can't take moments to enjoy my life. Besides, if I am to take on something, I have to give it my all. I don't believe in saying yes, but then only doing a partial job. It's all or nothing. I do not enjoy constantly having something that I MUST do, so why push myself to that extent? In the past few months, I have made a commitment to myself, to really and truly enjoy my life. To make time to do the things that bring me joy. Life is far too short to just "let it happen" I prefer to make it happen.

When I choose to get involved in something, it has to be because I really want to engage in that activity, not because I am looking for recognition. It used to bother me to not get recognised for some of the things I did, but I have recently realised, and come to peace with the fact that some things just don't matter. Being recognised for winning awards at competitions, writing the best blog, doing the best technique, are all meaningful in a way that is self gratifying. But what really makes those things successful, is if and when they inspire others.

I have come to this realization that for me to want personal recognition is such a selfish thing. It may change me, (temporarily) but does it do anything to change the world? I don't want to be recognised for having the nicest stances in my forms. I guess I don't really want to be recognised by others at all. I do, however, want to recognise within myself that I reached out and helped a child feel they have self worth. That I have made someones day by smiling, or offering a helping hand. That I have cheered up a friend, who was feeling very down. I can't find the cure for cancer, but I can, every day, reach out to everyone I come in contact with. Maybe they don't need me, but maybe in some small way, there are those that do. It is not for me to judge who does and who doesn't. It is just up to me to show compassion, tolerance, and understanding to everyone.

Working with kids in the inner city schools a couple years ago was very rewarding to me. I felt I made a difference in the lives of those kids who otherwise never knew what it felt like to be hugged, appreciated, or understood. I still wonder if what I did was enough. Working with those kids was a win/win situation, because of what those kids also did for me. They have left their mark on me that will never fade.

I will always be the first to notice my own faults. Wanting recognition used to be one of them. It no longer is. It is not about looking to see who I am, but rather looking and seeing who you are.

made it one month. YAHOO!

2008-11-11T20:00:00.000-08:00

Well, I made it through another week, with no problems to speak of. I have read that to do the same excersizes every day eventually becomes non productive. So I have ventured out and tried the rowing machine at the gym. WOW!! Talk about butt pain the next day! It hurt so good. I could only do 10 minutes the first time I tried it, but am now up to 30.
I feel like I am no longer getting anywhere with the ab excersizes, so have decided to make them more intense with weights, or some other type of equipment. My quest is to research and find new and refreshing ab excersizes that I have not done yet, and mix them up a bit. I am doing lower and upper ab stuff, but will add something new once in a while.
My big challenge right now is the pushups. They really bother my shoulder and wrists, but I have found many ways to alternate the way I do them as well, including tricept pushups. Doing 10 or 20 at a time throughout the day does not work for me with my excersizes. It's all or nothing. I take a couple of hours, and get all I want and need in, and then am done for the rest of the day. If I leave something and say, "I'll finish it later", I never do. My days are always full, and once my focus is elsewhere, it is hard to bring back. Plus, I shower enough times in a day as it is. ha!
I have noticed a great improvement in the balance of my workouts. Now that I have my workouts centred a bit more around an equal amount of effort in all categories, I feel I am going in the right direction, and progressing at a much more even keel. Before, I felt like I was leaving some stuff out, and overdoing it in other areas. Now that I have an updated schedule and chart of my progress, I feel much more prepared and positive about going in the right direction.

week 3

2008-11-11T19:59:00.000-08:00

I had a good week this week. I am so excited about how the acts of kindness have taken off at work. It is great to see everyone so aware of being kind to others. I posted a binder at work for people to log in their acts of kindness, and have almost 80 from this week alone. One lady has made it her own personal goal to do at least one act of kindness every day. My co workers talk about acts of kindness a lot and are looking for ways to perform them. I have noticed how this makes the workplace a much more positive atmosphere and people are working together more as a team. They are not only aware of their acts of kindness to others, but are more aware of, and appreciative of, kindness done to them. They don't take it for granted as they perhaps used to. This is a great thing!

week 2

2008-11-11T19:56:00.000-08:00

This week has been pretty good. I had a bit of a setback in my personal life on Monday, that affected my attitude towards my training. I recognised it, and dealt with it. I forced myself to find deep within me, my most positive attitude and promised myself everything would be ok. By the next day, I was fine, and continued to go forward.
I feel myself getting stronger with the forced effort of my pushups. If I stretch quickly after every 10, or 20, I can do more in the proper plank position. I have noticed though, that they are not only a problem with my shoulder, but also cause problems with my wrists. I am hoping that by strengthening these areas, my arthritis will not be a hindrance, but will become less noticable.
I find myself thinking about the UBBT all the time, which in turn has contributed to my focus on my 3rd degree requirements. My training is always there, whether in the forefront of my mind, or in the background behind all my other dealings of the day. This weekend, I learned to "boulder". It is a different kind of rock climbing than I am used to. No ropes or harnesses are used. On my first attempt, I fell about 6 feet. I kept trying and listening to the advise of my boyfriend, as well as ask lots of questions. After a couple of hours of practice, I finally made it accross the wall, and part way back. The first thought in my head was...I wonder if this could be classified as an accomplishment for my UBBT? I also find myself looking for ways to do acts of kindness, and noticing acts of kindness in others. No matter where I am and what I am doing, I am always thinking, "how does this pertain to the UBBT", or "am I acting the way a black belt should act?" I already notice a difference in the way people around me think about martial arts. Those that know what I am attempting to do, are starting to realise that martial arts is not all about fighting. I am proud to be a part of helping to spread this insight.